34 ~ Wednesday, July 13, 1988 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES WORKING OUT A COMPROMISE Q. 1 AM ASHAMED of this, but I hate for my wife to wear skimpy bikinis on public beaches. Physically she is great, very arousing. But when I see her in a bikini in front of strangers, I don’t see » model, I see my wife being specifically arousing in ways that 1 want oll for my private pleasure. I don’t know how to tell her. A. Just tell her — only don’t get mad, but let her know just what you have said in your letter, That she is ultra-arousing to you, and, while you may be modern and tol- erant in most ways, in this matter you feel like a sultan with a terrific harem of one. How can she not like that? It is so flattering. ask Dr. Ruth Dr: Ruth Westheimer There are new one-piece bathing suits now that look wonderful, but maybe not so ‘‘specific.’? Cut out an ad for one of these and tell her to go try one on, that you want to buy it for her. And maybe suggest that she wear her bikini around the house just for you and see what happens. Having to conform to other people’s ideas of being modern is just another way of giving in to peer pressure — and that doesn’t a SUMME happen just to teenagers. I-have a funny idea about this; If she gives in to you about this, acknowledges and caters to your feeling about it, that may be just what you want. So maybe you won’t really mind if sometimes she wears the one-piece and sometimes the bikini. Some women who are seductive do not have bikini-type bodies, and their husbands know this. But the thing to say is, ‘“Honey, you are too much in a bikini, You are turning all those guys into animals. Give me a break — I want to go to the beach for swimming and sunn- ing, not to suffer.”” Q. Sometimes I ask my husband to pretend he’s forcing himself on me for sex — and this is terrific for me. But we both have been wondering if it was a bad thing to get into. A. Fantasy is fantasy — not really having sex at 120 mph in a BMW, not actually doing it at high noon in Macy’s window or underwater among a school of sharks, but im- agining these things. But if a fan- tasy both attracts and troubles you, don’t use it all the time. Balance it with others. If you have a standard fantasy and can’t have sex without it, and if it is vio- lent, even though it is exciting, then you should use your imagina- tion to change your imaginings. Taking turns pleasuring each other will obliterate a forcing fantasy like yours. The activity makes its own fantasy. You have to understand, what you like about this fantasy does not mean that you really want to be forced. Real rape you would hate. The fantasy has another function — to relieve you of all re- sponsibility and let you concen- trate on having sex with your hus- band, or surrendering to sensual CLEARANCE ALL PATIO SUITES CHAISES UMBRELLAS & CUSHIONS SALE PRICED. for your Summer enjoyment TAS 2082 West 41st Ave. 261-4116 ‘ttles It happens to be a frequently us- ed female fantasy, a favorite even with women who operate power- fully in real life. It opens a door into love-making, and certainly does not mean that the woman wants to give up bossing in her real-life office, or having her say in running the family. A sensible woman who knows she has a sensible real-life husband may pretend sometimes that he is a pirate. She does not really want a pirate. She wants a nice husband pretending to be a pirate — at a certain time, not all the time. When a client tells me that she or he is worried about using a dangerous or self-destructive fan- tasy all the time, and dwells on it mentally day and night, then I worry, too, and usually suggest some psychotherapy. That begins to sound like an obsession, not like imaginary fun. Q. My hushand wants me to be friends with his ex-wife. 1 can’t handle that. I don’t think I have to, and I don’s {xe guilty. My problem is how to make him understand. MODEL 88 - very good buy | hi Ago) ONLY $189.00 ve “Ss Sani RY ace ONLY *229.00 \Sor Xa) ONLY $249.00 aL) ONLY $399.00 ——____timited stock ECONDITION LIKE NEW: “one unit-per: family. 'NO DEALERS PLEASE A. Well, I think you still need to understand it because it is hard to explain and persuade when you don’t really know just what you feel and want. The fact that he wants to go on be- ing friends is impractical. It is not good sense to try to make triangles friendly, and this has to be a tri- angle. Tel] him, ‘Look, a marriage doesn’t end just because you two fought and got a decree. That’s like thinking summer ends when the calendar says it ends. Now you are married to me, and that means you have to give her up and she has to give you up. I didn’t marry you to be part of 2 harem, or to be her rival.” Tell him, ‘‘When a husband keeps his ex around, that is least good for the woman who least en- joys rivalry and least likes causing trouble. If I were an intrigue-lov- ing woman or man and spiteful, I might get something out of pretending to be friends with the woman you knew and who knew you that well. She is in the position of having had you and left you. That puts her a step or two higher Our entire stock of better yourself, . than me on the stairs. If she sees us being out of sorts, she revels in it. 1 don’t want her seeing the pictures I hang on the wall, my jogging clothes or hearing the way I call you honey. Those are part of our story, mine and yours. She wanted out of your story, let her stay out. Or you wanted her out of it ~ now leave her cut Of it.’’ Tell him, ‘‘Please don’t tell me to be fair or understanding. This is not something I have to be fair or understanding about. If you want me to understand something, make it this — that you left her and after a while married me, putting her behind you.” There are people who can make a foursome of two exes and the replacements, and that is their business. But you didn’t marry him to be made uncomfortable, you expected just the opposite. You can tell him, ‘‘I can be fair about her, but not friends with her; 1 can wish her well, but that means well out of my life.’’ This doesn’t mean you won’t be civil to her when chance puts her in your way. But let it be chance that puts her there, not choice. © TANGIERS ¢ ESPRIT ° MAGI CAT ¢ JE SUIS ° KIDDO * BUGATCHI ° JO JOE * DALESPORT sizes infant to 14 Entire Summer Collection 20%-50% OFF CHILDREN'S FASHION