44 - Sunday, March 18, 1990 - North Shore News Feminist must be tolerant of motier-in-iaw’s choices DEAR MISS MANNERS — l am a born feminist soon to marry into a family with very traditional attitudes. This family has a_ large like-minded social group. Recently my fiance and { were introduced at a retirement party with “This is John Doe and the future Jane Doe."’ In a flash of annoyance at the presumption that I would carry on a tradition deeply rooted in sexism, 1 responded tersely, ‘‘No, the forever-to-remain Jane Smith."* This exchange upset my future mother-in-law, who directed the question ‘‘Why are you getting married if she’s not going to take your name?’’ to my fiance, out of my hearing. I do not wish to offend my future famiiy and their friends when the issue arises, but it is dif- ficult for me to keep my zeal on the subject in check. I realize there are forums more appropriate to such discussion than a formal banquet. How might I gracefully correct others who might make the error in the future? [ would also like them to know that I am open for a discussion of the subject at another time. GENTLE READER — It is not that Miss Manners does not sym- pathize with your desire to be ad- dressed, in your future married life, as you wish to be. It’s just that she has so much more sym- pathy for the poor lady who is about to acquire a zealous daugh- ter-in-law in search of proper forums to debate a personal deci- A graceful way to let people know what your name will be after marriage is to enclose at-home cards with your wedding an- miss manners Judith Martin nouncements, with your and your husband's names on a fine each, instead of as Mr. and Mrs., and to have paper made with your name, on which to write letters of thanks for wedding presents and all the rest of your correspondence. An ungrateful way is tersely to correct people who make a simple mistake, based on years of tradi- tion, and to tax them with sexism for following social custom. DEAR MISS MANNERS — I last saw my friend three years ago. She was having some health prob- lems that were undiagnosed. A few months later she wrote me about the cause — a brain tumor. Since then } have not heard a word from her. I have continued to write and send Christmas cards buf have never received a reply. Finally I called her house (she lives up north, and I live down south) aud spoke with a relative. He said she was still seriously ill, too ill to write, but he felt she would stil enjoy getting mail. Miss Manners, if [ lived closer, I would be able to visit in person, but that is not possible. Would it be rude of me to telephone the family again to inquire about my friend and extend my wishes for a recovery? Several months have elapsed since my fast phone cali. I feel un- comfortable calling, as the fact that no family member has replied to any of my letters indicates to me that they may not appreciale more inquiries. Should a family member have the responsibility to answer the mail for one too iff to reply? I know cach family handles a serious illness in its own way. GENTLE READER — Indeed, one of the many heavy respon- sibilities of family members is to fulfill the social obligations of their relatives who are unable to do so. But Miss Mamners begs you not to penalize your friend for the omissions of her family. The tike- lihood is that they don’t even at- tend properly to their own cor- respondence, or feel awkward about having you know that they must be privy to your cor- respondence in order to respond. It can only be gratifying to them to have you inquire after your friend’s health, and you should know — as you have already been assured once — that it is gratifying to her to hear from you. 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