36 ~ Wednesday, April. 12, 1989 - North Shore News

BRING HOME BOOKS |
Start lessons slowly

Q. IF ANYONE ever asks you whether an experienced relationships do read or watch
woman can love 2 guy who doesn’t “‘kaow his way around’’
-in a bedroom, you can quote me as saying it is definitely
possible. I am nuts about the guy and even married him.

Here is my problem: F have ever
0 many good things to teach him
about lovemsking, but X don’t
want to start him asking where I
leamed it all, and I don’t want him
to think I’m a loose womaa, even
if Isort of was.

A. Well, you have to do this
very slowly. I think you can bring
some books home and pretend. to
be getting your ideas from there.

.Q. Do you think it is wise to
spend “living”? time with your
fature spouses before marriage?
Would this help avert a divorce
later on? .

A. We know from divorce
statistics that people who have liv-
ed together: before marriage do not
have a lower incidence of divorce.
Living together does not insure the
future of a marriage.

When the idea of living together
was, in this country and in most
European countries as well, a pret-
ty daring idea, people often
discussed the idea of partners hav-
ing a trial period of living together
before marriage.

This seemed a logical idea, and
people often cited, in their wise
discussions, certain peasant
customs of youth and maiden not
getting engaged until she was
pregnant — that is, until the out-
come of the marriage in terms of
children seemed reasonably well
assured.

But much experience of
premarital living together has not
shown this procedure to have any
advantage over keeping that close
experience of each other until after
the wedding.

In fact, one often hears, ‘‘It was

at the

all pretty good until we went and
got married.”” Mauy things keep
couples together, not always fo:
the best. .

Two strong influences for
preserving marriages, more reliable
than premarital living together, are
a shared belief in marriage or in

Dr. Ruth
Dr. Ruth Westheimer

the beliefs or philosophy or
teligion that the couple share.

Q. Do you think ii is sick to
watch a pom video while having
sex?

A. It is not “‘sick.’? Even though
we can point to cases of disturbed
people who made use of erotic ma-
terial, or were obsessed by it, it has
to be said that many people in
good mental health and in good

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LIFESTYLES

porn.
For some perfectly well people
(and there are some almost
perfectly weli people, at least!)
porn or erotica is only an atten-
tion-focuser and mood-changer
and not a constant preoccupation.
If it is enjoyable to both part-
ners, what you suggest is more
helpful than harmful. It is definite-
ly not required fer good sex,
though sex therapists may recom-
mend arousing reading or viewing

it to couples when no strong objec- |

tion comes from either side.

Sometimes one partner can ac-

cept the other’s enjoying porn sep-

- arately. Actually watching porn
while engaged in sex is possible in
a limited number of sexual posi-
tions, right?

Q. What is your professions!
opinion on dating someone you
work with? :

A. How can I be against office
romance, when the workplace is
where most people spend most of
their waking hours and meet peo-
ple most easily?

There are some sensible ruies,
however. Keep it outside the shop
as far as you can, because being
love-birds around the work team is
distracting and often creates jeal-
ousy and irritation. It may be un-
necessary to keep the relationship
secret, but it is a good idea to be
businesslike on the job.

Have in mind. that this affair
may come to an end, and then you
will need to have a way to go on
being businesslike with each other
— no temper, crossness, coldness
during work hours. If you can’t do
‘that, one of you may have to get
reassigned to another branch or
even leave the firm.

There are firms where marriages
between employees are forbidden.

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