Doug Collins @ get this straight @ SOME NEWS takes a long time to vet around. So it wasn't unui recently that discussion in the legislature and that I Jearned 1 had been the subject: of Attorney General Brian Smith was considering how to put these old bones under lock and key. The matter goes back to Feb. 15, when f revealed what | really think about immigration scans. Students of the literary arts may remember that Uhe lead of the col- umn went this way: “Listen, you bubble-headed blowhards of all parties in O1- tawa. You cheap chatterers and chimps. You cowardly caw- juicers. Have you no guts at all? Is there no single soul among you with the stamina to stand up and make a speech about how this country is being gashed in the gizzard?” Your man Doug delivered his broadside as rumors swept the land that a second boatload of phoney Tamil refugees was bound for these shores, Someone has to man the ramparts, f thought. My attempt to save Canada from the invading hordes did not meet with the approval of a Mr. Colin R. Jones. So he wrote to Emery Barnes, MLA, the socialist intellectual and bike-rider. Jones stressed that he was not in favor of censorship. Of course not. But | had to be stopped... On May 2), Barnes read parts of the column in the House and asked whether my modest effort violated the Criminal Code of Canada, whereupon Smith the Mailbox _ Socred joined the NDPer in a solemn wringing of hands, f quote from Hansard: “fomight just say to the member,” stated Smith unctuous- ly, ‘“hat it’s the most appalling stuff Pye read for some time. | read it only yesterday and was quite appalled by it, and appalled that the newspaper would print it. We're going to have a legal opi- nion on it, but it’s an appalling piece of journalism.” One gathers that Smith was ap- palled, whict is a typical reaction from a guy who represents an all- white, smugly liberal community like Oak Bay. Well, | am appall- ed, too. Appalled tnat he should be appalled, and appalled (hat he would kiss Emery Barnes on both cheeks, if you know what ! mean. Since then, of course, the whole country has been appalled. Not by me but by cheats who arrive by boat, plane, and pretty soon, no doubt, by parachute. People are appalled, too, by an immigration system that favors Asiatics, Africans and West Indians. Even double-tongued Brian Baloney is appalled, he never hav- ing expected the peasants to revolt. But they did, with the result that parliament is being recalled. It turns out, too, that Smith's boss, the Hon. Vander Slam, is he basing har- bored thoughts suspiviousty Similar to ming. bor was it not The Slam who said that the bad ship elaelte should be sold) for scrap and the money used to sent the 174 East Indians back whence they came? Ain't that hate literature, too? Even John Turner, the well-known funk, thought the ship should have been turned back. So did the premier of Nova Scotia. My views regarding such boatloads were, admittedly, a lit- tle more colorful. They should be sunk, said |. Failing that, they should be towed back across the Auantic. ‘The sick would jump from their beds and praise the Lord.”’ } wroie, ‘The young would curse the day they didn’t join the navy. Old men would dance down the road. The mob in my watering hole would be bigger than itis en Remembrance Day.”’ Some of my thoughts were even more colorful. Or, if you will, more appalling, and Barnes wanted me charged under the hate laws. He’s not in favor of censor- ship either, of course, but... 1 have not heard from the cops yet, but have happy visions of paddy wagons and handcuffs and judges and being sent off to some Canadian gulag organized for anti- social slime. What a story! When it is all over, perhaps the JUz.S. will accept me as a refugee and 1’ll write a book. Its title would be: ‘‘One Day In The Life of Ivan Desinovich Col- lins’’. IF you know what | mean. also uppalled. Reader would like home swap Dear Editor: I was more than amused when I read the article on Angus Ree and his ‘‘disturbed'’ sleep that he’s been having for the past six or seven years. Myself, | wouldn't mind in the least the ‘‘clanging of rigging’’ that three baby raccoons living in the carport. They come out at night and make terrible noises but sup- posedly this only lasts for a few months until the .babies grow up and move on. So that’s not too much sleep to lose. And the West Van council or the SPCA, for that matter, can’t do anything about it. So if Mr. Ree doesn’t want to swap I guess I'll just have to put up with the noise of the raccoons and he’ll just have to put up with noisy Batchelor Bay. Miss Tod West Vancouver 9. Sunday. 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