é

THE FAMILY went off on a two-week vacation. For the
first time maybe ever I was left with the house and two cars

to myself.

It’s amazing how easily and
deeply we get stuck in routines. As
a twice-married father of four
kids, ] have become somewhat ac-
customed to evenings at home be-
ing times of major sit-com and
high drama.

Suddenly the house was empty,
except for the finches.

Well, thought I, should I throw
a party? Stage an orgy? Calla
revolutionary committee meeting?
I mean, I ought to go wild, right?
Wife and kids gone. House to
myself. Wow!

The question of what to do in
the evenings is usually not much of
a question: take turns with the wife
waiting on our five-year-old
daughter hand and foot; talk
about the meaning of Bat-life to
my 10-year-old Bat son, who has
been working for weeks to buy a
Batman costume so he can star: his
own detective agency... How much
Bat-talk can a father and sen really
savor?

In the evenings, my wife and I
like to babble at each other about
our mutual workday adventures.
We particularly like to do this after
the kids have been fed and shoved
downstairs to watch video or out-
side to interact with the real world.

My wife is in management,
which means she gets to tell me
about hiring and firing people,
ruining their lives, changing their

destinies, all that real-life sort of
stuff.

Me, at the moment I’m doing
more television work than it can be
considered safe for one’s sanity to
do, so I tell her about the politi-
cians I met during the day, the

bachelorhood.

Bachelors, as I understand them,
are fiercely independent guys who
know how to cook and wash their
clothes and keep their place clean.
Where they acquired these skills, I
don’t know. All I know is that I
never acquired those skills. And
after a week of being on my own,
it showed.

Newspapers were strewn from

\

Bachelors, as I understand them, are
fiercely independent guys who know how to
cook and wash their clothes and keep their
place clean. Where they acquired these skills,

I don’t know.’’

- oer

bizarre scenarios that unfolded be-

fore my wondering eyes, the gen-
eral state of the planetary eco-
sphere, and whatever my current
set of gripes happens to be.

But now there was no one
around.

No princess to wait on hand and
foot, nobody to Bat-talk with, no-
body to " +bble to.

Very s"" ange.

I’m one of those males who
went straight from being taken
care of by my Mom io being taken

. care of by my first wife to being

taken care of by my second wife,

* with not much more than a couple

of months in between of actual

bonelessk

inside

Edgemont Village
3230 Connaught Cres.
North Vancouver
987-7917

“

one end of the house to the other.

Dishes had piled up in the sink to
the point where I was having to
stack them on the counter. The
air... there was something wrong
with the air. Aha — the garbage
had to be taken out!

It had often crossed my mind
that making the bed in the morn-
ing was a fetishistic thing, since no
one is around during the day to see
how neat and tidy our bedroom is.
Why bother? After a week, how-
ever, it dawned on ms that merely
pulling the covers off the floor at
night wasn’t quite as pleasant as
climbing between clean, crisp
sheets.

§ Washington.

y No.i grade @

corn

7on the cob

| 8 cobs

Upper Lensdale
3030 Lonsdale Avenue
North Vancouver
987-6644

17th & Lonsdale
1632 Lonsdale Avenue
North Vancouver
987-6911

q

Speaking of the bed, it was kind
of fun at first being able to sprawl
all over, twisting sideways or even
upside down without bumping into
the Beloved One. But this par-
ticular thrill quickly wore off, to
be replaced by the existential shock
and horror of sleeping by oneself.

This sleeping by yourself
business is a real drag. It’s unnatu-
ral. There oughta be a law.

Then there’s the food issue. As
soon as J knew I was going io be
on my own, I stocked up on Spam.
The first day, I had Spam and eggs
for breakfast and Spam and a can
of corn for supper and another
Spam sandwich before bed. Not
bad.

The next day I had Spam and
eges for breakfast, Spam and a can
of peas for supper and a Spam
sandwich before bed.

By Day Three, I was going out
to restaurants for lunch and supper
and skipping breakfast.

Apart from the sleeping compa-
nion stuff, my wife, I suddenly re-
alized, feeds me. That’s how I sur-
vive. If I didn’t have a wife, |
would die. It’s as simple as that.

The wonderful two weeks of
bachelorhood bliss seemed to last
an awfully long time. Aside from
the need for sex, food and some-
one to babble to, I discovered I
craved a small person to wait on
hand and foot. And it seemed like
a long time since I’d had a good
Bat-talk. —

I guess this was a column about
love®

PACKAGE

$9 gee : .

| rom 91 74°

* Most.cars ‘— includes drums-or rotors

j.turning, cepack bearings, install heavy

uty, brake shoes or organic pad

- 820 MARINE DR.

‘(OLD CAL VAN BUILDING

| ¥ga0-2999

“IN-EVERY WA

nl

orange
juice

*concentrate

Lyith Valley
1199 Lynn Valley Road
North Vancouver
987-7221

Park Royal

1020 South Park Royal
West Vancouver

926-2215