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32 - Wednesday, October 12, 1988 - North Shore News

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BOYFRIEND RETURNED TO WIFE

Q. I AM a single woman and [ had a fantastic three-year
romance with a 52-year-old man. (I am 50.) Our sex life was
absolutely 100 per cent fantastic.

when you love him so much, but it
seems to me he has the best of this

Five months ago this man decid-
ed to reconcile with his wife. I
think he feels guilty that he had
abandoned her, even though she
has always been able to support
herself.

In the five months since he went
back to her we have met and talk-
ed several times. He always tells
me that he still loves me. We have
had one big shouting metch, we
have talked calmly, and three times
we have made love. However, we
spend a lot of time ignoring each
other because we work in the same
place.

My probiem is that I can’t let go
of him. I was so deeply in love
I have been seeing
another man, in a@ strictly platonic
relationship. He is a nice guy, but
so dull compared to the one i love.
I can't get really interested. What
advice can you give me? I am emo-
tionally exhausted,

A. And you will go on being
emotionally exhausted if you keep
yourself in this situation. It would
be worth a great deal to get
yourself out of that job and into
other employment where you are
not going to sec him every day.

“Out of sight, out of mind”
may not be true right now for you,
but it would help in the long run.
You would not have these oppor-
tunities to get together with him
for an emotional replay, some sex
and a revival of your hopes.

{ don’t like to condemn the guy

entire situation. He has two
women, he calls all the plays, and
you have no man you really go for.
You say you can’t let go of him,
but it seems from my vantage
point that he just won't let go of
you.

OK, your job may be too good
to give up, but this love affair
isn’t. Stop the talks with him; stop
the exchanges of sad and longing
looks; stop having sex with him.
Too hard? Every day thai you
avoid him entirely, except when
it’s strictly business, wilh make it
easier.

You aren’t giving the aew friend
a chance, always comparing him to
the one man you have had good
sex with. It isn’t really a good idea
to go around with someone else
when you are all wrapped up in
your mind with the guy who left

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SPACE
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you.

Give yourself the advantage of,
Iet us say, two whole months in
which you have avoided all emo-
tional contact with your ex-lover.
Spend a fot of time thinking about
your future without him and how
you can spend it as pleasantly as
possible, with thoughts and plans
for your career and for enjoying
life in general. You will never see
the value of a new man if you are
always looking for your ex.

ask
Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

A new man can’t appeal to you
if you won't let him. He will never
appeal to you if you won't let
yourself see him on his own, out of
the shadow of that guy who left his
wife, then left you while continu-
ing to call the plays.

It’s time for you to call the
plays.

People keep asking how they can
forget someone. What about it,
readers? Send in advice, in care of
your local newspaper, about get-
ting that lost love back into. the

past where he or she belongs and
out of your mind, where room
could be made for somebody else.

Q. Lam living with a man who is
stil! married. His divorce is in the
works. I think I want to marry
him. What are the chances?

A. If you have a good relation-
ship and he is really going ahead
with the divorce proceedings, your
chances are pretty good. In your
mind, set a reasonable time for the
divorce to become final, After
that, set a reasonable time for the
two of you to make up your minds
about getting married.

You say you think you want to
marry him. | think so, too. That
means you think he would be the
right husband for you in more
than one way — right? When you
are sure you would like to marry
him, don’t Jet him toss it around in
his mind or keep stalling you for
years. Give him time — but not
forever,

Women in your situation have
ended up married to the guy and
having good marriages that lasted.
Just because a guy has one bad
marriage, or even more than one,
doesn't mean he won’t be a good
husband for you. Good people get
into bad marriages that just won’t
stay stuck together.

If you were thinking about hav-
ing sex with a separated guy, or
one who says he is unhappy at
home, { might give you different
advice, such as ‘‘Why? Around the
corner is another nice guy who
isn’t married.”’ ,

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