IT WAS MISE MAN-
NERS’ own dear
mother who first made
to her the case against
Mother’s Day. It had to
do with the fecilishness
of conceding that there
might be 364 days of the
year in which Mother
need not be fussed over,
and also, possibly, with
the fact that the lady
could never abide
breakfast in bed.

Nevertheless, here
Mother’s Day is, with its
built-in expectation that
children make it a special oc-
casion to demonstrate their
devotion. In that, it is rather
like the school-day events in
which mothers were expected
to be on call to participate,

with the clear implication to ~

children whose mothers
couldn’t — for example,
those who were out self-
inculgently earning a living
— that they. must not really
care.

So, begging the pardon of
her own mother by violating
her tradition and recognizing
the occasion, Miss Manners
will suggest some methods of
celebrating, for those
mothers who also don’t like

by Judith Martin

miss

manners

breadcrumbs in the sheets.

One way to honor Mother
is not to go around tattling
on her. The 4-year-old who is
on the spot for something to
contribute to Show and Tell,
the teenager interested in ex-
changing information about
the adult world, and the
grown-up child who is after a
laugh, are all exposed to the
temptation to report what is
guing on behind the scenes.
This includes:

Statistics that Mother does
not routinely give out herself,
such as her age, her income,
how many times she has been
married, what organs she has
had removed, and how much
of a discount she got on the
dress she is wearing.

What Mother does to make
herself look good, including
how she looks in a mudpack
facial mask, whether she dyes
her hair, how much makeup
she uses and what she looks
like without it, and how fun-
ny it is to see her struggle into
her girdle.

Mother’s little failings,
such as what she says or does
when she loses her temper,
what tricks she uses for
cheating on her diet, funny
examples of how her
memory, sight and hearing
seem to be going, and what
her attempts to help with the

homework demonstrate
about her own education.

Another way of honoring
Mother is for her children to
pretend that her competence
as a human being equals their
own, It takes some doing,
even for a small child to act
as if he presumes that Mother
could manage her fife
reasonably without his
critical advice, much of it
retroactive, but the effort isa
polite show of respect.

This means that the child
does not explain to Mother
that her appearance, conver-
sation, values, opinions,
politics and choice of
associates are sources of em-
barrassment, and must be
renovated to meet the child’s
tastes, It means trusting her
to make her own judgments
in these matters, even if they
differ from the child's, and
acting as if one is nevertheless
proud of what Mother makes
of herself.

It means not informing her
that she is always being
measured against Everybody
Else’s Mother, as in
“Everybody else’s mother
lets them stay up as long as
they want,” ‘‘Everybody
else’s mother gives them $20
a week spending money,”’
“Everybody else’s. mother
lets them have their noses
pierced.”” Even if Everybody
Else’s Mother could be pro-
ven to exist, one honors one’s
own mother by pretending
respect for her right to
dissent.

The retroactive part means
that the child must assume
that Mother has always done

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Rockwell

the best she could, under
whatever circumstances ex-
isted, and neither blame her
for what the child considers
failings in child-rearing, nor
point out how much better he
plans to be at the same tasks.

Finally, Mother can be
honored by being treated as if
she has a legitimate interest in
the lives of her children. This
does not preclude keeping
secrets from Mother,
especially those that would
only cause her pain, such as
one’s rebellious thoughts or
the gender of one’s room-
mate. But it does mean
refraining from groaning
when she shows concern, and

informing her about the ma-
jor events in one's life before
she finds out from the
neighbors or the newspapers.
DEAR MISS MANNERS
— What does one say when a
gentleman kisses a women’s
hand? While it is not an
everyday occurrence, it has
happened often enough for
me to become uncomfortable
with my lack of knowledge.
Unfortunately, by the time
the young man gets around to
kissing my hand, 7 have
already told him how nice if
is to meet him again, and
have inquired about his wel}-
being. Thus I've always end-
ed up blushing jike a fool and

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ek

haters

mumbling something like,
“How sweet. Thank you.’’
GENTLE READER —
Are you speaking of the
gentleman who kisses the air
above a matron’s hand (never
an unmarried girl’s) in the
European equivalent of a
handshake, or the gentleman
who plants his kisses on an
unmarried lady’s fingers and
palms as a prelude to heaven
knows what?
Miss Manners just wondered.
Actually the answer is the
same, although the response
may be different.

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