36 - Wednesday, February 3, 1988 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

results, says

Q. MY fiance and I make love often and I enjoy it very
much, but my pleasure is in the intimacy and in giving him
physical pleasure. I have never orgasmed.

We try and try, all positions,
soft music, long foreplay, oral sex,
everything, but ! have yet to
climax.

This doesn’t bother
friends teli me it will harm our
future relationship for him to
think that he can't give me an
orgasm or that I won't let myself
have one. Am I freakish? It really
doesn’t matter to me except that it
may be bothering him.

A. It happens that sometimes |
have had clients who were not in-
terested in sex. So why did they
come to a sex therapist?

They were religious and wanted
to fulfill the rituals of faith. They
wanted to consummate the mar-
riage — to have complete inter-
course. And they wanted to have
children because that was what
their marriage was about.

They were not interested in her
having an orgasm. Sometimes after
their immediate problems were
solved, when she had given birth,
they came back to me with a new
interest in her: getting more out of
their sex life. So then we went to

_ work on that.

You say you are satisfied with
your sex life, but of course if there
were no cause to believe that the
shared sex is not satisfactory to
your fiance, you would not be ask-
ing my advice. You are both trying
all kinds of things to bring you to
orgasm and I won’t argue about
who wants the orgasm — I only
say to both of you ‘‘Relax.””

What you want so earnestly wil!
evade your tense search for it. It
will come to you, pleasing you
both, when you need it less, want
it less, are not trying so hard.

I am not saying to stop trying,
but to do everything to bring about
your orgasm — only without feel-
ing it has to come or the world is
lost. Stop feeling that it must hap-

- pen this time, or you both retreat
into defeatism. When you try now,
you are telling yourself gloomily,
“It won't happen this time,
either.” That will prevent its hap-
pening. That is what we call a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

You will go on enjoying sex in
your own way, .using every varia-
tion of foreplay ‘or intercourse you
like, but it would be best for you
to talk to a sex therapist.

Not a marital counsellor, but a
sex therapist, who will help you do
what is called a ‘‘neat trick”? —
something on the face of it hard to
do.

about what worries you at the very
time it worries you most.. That is a
neat trick, yes, but that sex thera-
pist, listening to you and consider-

ing how to. proceed. with your.

special and individual problem,
will have you. forgetting the worry
that is blocking you from the
fullest pleasure. :

Since you are concerned about §

your sexual relationship, you may

want more information...I have |
prepared a pamphlet that may help-

you, called How to Improve Your

Sex Life. To obtain it, send $1 and’

a stamped, self-addressed, . legal-
size envelope to Dr. Ruth/How to
Improve Your Sex Life, P.O. Box
19709, Irvine, Calif. 92713-9709.

Q. My deepest relationship was
with a woman, lasting six years
during and after college. But I
have always had homosexual feel-
ings and I was aware of them dur-
ing that good relationship.

1 am in good health, physically,
and I am cheerful. My intention is

to remain celibate until [| meet the:

me but

That neat trick is not.to worry’

right person — and my idea is that
it will be Ms. Right, not Mr. I
want to have kids.

My questions, more than one,

are, first, how will a woman react
to what I think I have to tell her
about myself? And, will a deep,
long-term relationship with a
woman come to someone like me
or will I have to ‘‘mske it hap-
pen'’?

A. Very possibly some woman
who is ready to make a deal with
life may agree to marry you when
you have told her all about your
underlying feelings and also about
wanting children and a mainstream
lifestyle.

On the other hand, you may well

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find that some women who seem
just the right sort for your plan
will not want a man who has all his
fantasies about other men. And
the relationship will not come casi-
ly, and will always be threatened
with disaster by your own sup-
pressed sexual instincts.

Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

I am paying attention to your
statement that you have always
had homosexual feelings, and to
the fact that you are a grown man,
not a confused teenager who
wonders why he should have a
flecting thought of kissing a male
movie star.

If I were you I would get some
psychotherapy — not sex therapy
— because you need to talk to
some informed person familiar
with conflicting desires like yours,
so that you can find some peace of
mind and base your life plans on a

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fuller understanding of your own
feelings.

The good relationship you had
with a woman carly in life was one
you knew would end. [ suspect
that in a more committed relation-
ship with a woman you would feel
trapped, with your stronger sexual
feelings bottled up.

Q. I room with a guy I have been
friends with for some time.
Recently his girtfriend and I began
having sex. 1am ina quandry.

1 know you will say to break if
off with the girl, but this is more
easily said than done. She keeps
coming on to me and J have no
girlfiend of my own now, Besides,
what If she really prefers me, and
would give him up? What should I
do?

A. It may be more easily said than
done, but all I can do is say it and
you are the one who has to do it. I
say, move out of that room
because the strain of staying there,
whatever happens in the next few
weeks, will make it better to be out
of there.

If the two of you go on pulling
the wool over his cyes, that is still
bad for you. You have to wonder
when he is going to wise up, and
what will happen then.

And you have to have this
perception of yourself, that you
are a guy who will do this injury to

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someone and go on living in the
same room with him.

Move out, and teil her it is over.
When you do that it will be
anybody's guess what she does,
and then you will be glad you
moved out. She may tell your
roommate, hoping he makes some
kind of trouble for you. .

I would not count on an ongoing
thing with her, because what kind
of woman does what she has done,
sleeping with her boyfriend's
roommate? What she has done to
him she would probably do to you,

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