QUESTIO : .
himself)::A few issues back;
someone asked why 15-year-
olds. yun away from home.
At the time I offered to ask
some. “experts”. to list. the

most common reasons, For.
“experts”

our ‘purposes,’
meant people who work with
kids professionally, and
parents of kids around 15
years.of age. “Later; it: was
suggested we also ‘solicit

answers from the kids them- ©

selves. There follows our

“report.” I have summarized
the ‘replies we received.
Don't think of them ‘asthe
results of a scientifically
designed poll, or as reliable
statistics. They are no more
nor less than some opinions
of a few interested people.

SUMMARIZED ANSWERS

FROM ADULTS:
1. Kids feel weighted

down by their parents’
expectations of them, often
feeling their inability to meet
those expectations, and
feeling they are failing their
parents.

2. Unhappiness, resent-
ment and fear growing out of
parents’ bickering, fighting
and drinking.

3. Over-strict attitudes of '

parents make kids _ feel

; trapped. Getting out ‘of th

trap, they feel, can:
accomplished by es
from it, which means
running away. a

4. Poor communication:

. Parents. talking - -about., rules

and regulations " ‘and ‘kids,
wanting .. “share their
feelings. Result? No com-
mon ground for sharing. The
‘kids feel the parents don’t
understand and the parents
feel the kids can't

un-

derstand.
5. Abuse — either
physical or mental. Kids

“make up their minds they
will not stand for it, long
before they run away from
it. Then, when something
new goes wrong, they act on
their earlier decision.

' 6. Some kids, loving their
parents dearly, feel ashamed
and guilty about being
“bad.” They feel that their
“badness” is hurting or
embarrassing their parents.
Often they leave notes
saying, in effect, “you are
great and you don't deserve
what I am doing to you. So,
I'm running away.”

SUMMARIZED ANSWERS
FROM KIDS

1. My parents are too
strict and I want more

and what I’ve got to do.
3. What I can’t stand is to
see or hear my mom and dad

_ arguing or fighting. Usually —
their fights are about me. I ©

saw my dad hit my mother

‘once. I just can’t stand that ;

hassling.

4. In each list we received,
mention was made of the
fear of punishment. The kind —
of punishment varied from a
bawling --out to being
grounded, losing allowance,
or being beaten up.

5. I can’t give you a reason
— I just can’t stand it at
home.

°- Abusive parents.

7. “My parents are so darn
suspicious “they never
believe me about where I’m
going - or who with or

anything.”

HAYDEN: Any comments
from parents or from kids?.
We'd be happy to hear from.
you about the above lists, or
about things you feel have
been omitted. I would like
to invite any kids who have
split from their family, even
briefly, to write us about

Musician inhibited

QUESTION: ['m a musician
and perhaps I should be
asking someone in my
profession for an answer to
my query. But I think
perhaps mine is a _per-
sonality problem, rather
than a musical one and so
here I am asking you if you
can give me a lead. I am a
pianist. I read music well
and rather quickly, and I
also memorize well. Being a
good memorizer and reader,
I am helped in my efforts to
approach perfection when I
play in public performances.
I like to feel that I] have
played a piece correctly.
Well, that’s all O.K. but,
when I play in a more in-
formal setting, let's say at a
gathering of friends, I have
the same desire to approach
perfection and so, I do not
really enjoy playing. | don't
have the fun and
exhilaradon I get out of a

concert performance. I
would dearly like to be able
to relax with my. friends and
enjoy a musical evening, But
it is not for me. F'anr up-tight
‘and quite stressful in an
informal situation. 1 wonder

' {f you would care to make a

comment. |

STEWART: Let me
establish that I am not a
musician and that what I
answer might be assessed as
poppycock by those who
know music. But I know
several people who have told
me the same story. They
have found help in getting
good instruction in sight-
reading (which would be
easy for you) and also in
improvisation. I suspect you
have difficulties in playing
“by ear”. Right? You can get

good help in that area which
will be rewarding to you.
But you are right about a

15th & LONSDALE

CLOSING OUT

Our entire stock of.

what you have learned
through the experience.
part of your difficulty

probably being related to
what you call a “personality
problem™. My guess is that
‘your difficulty. with being
relaxed and enjoying your
music and your friends has
quite a bit to do with how
you see yourself and what
you feel about yourself.
You, quite likely, will get
help along that line in a
course on improvising, but if
it is not sufficiently
rewarding, I would be more
that happy to talk with you
about your- personality
OPPORTUNITY.

ae
* De

“?

*

. . ma are

CS-Sunday News, July 20, 1980 ©

. hayden st stewart

QUESTION: My wife ts
really . ‘punishing herself in
her thinking because. she is
unable to have an orgasmic
experience. She says ‘she
feels incomplete and that she
is not making love-making.as
good as it should be for me. I
try to assure ~ her’. that
sta’ say that.60 per cent
of woinen are unable to have
_that complete™ “experience
- and ‘that.it-is not important
anyway. I fell her: that’ our
love is what‘ts important and
that she should not. feel
badly. She agrees that. our
love is the most important
thing, but she really. feels
- guilty about the other. Is

there some way, of “eettiog

her to accept, the facts and

not feel guilty?

STEWART: I don’t want to
refute your “statistics” by
giving you some different
ones, but I wish you'd forget
that business of 60 per cent
of women being unable to be
orgasmic. Disraeli said there
are three kinds of lies; lies,
damn lies and statistics. It is
closer to truth to say that
nearly all women (who do
not have some physical
inability related to their
love-making) aré ABLE to
have orgasms. Many of them
have decided they are
“unable”, and have given up.
Others refuse to accept their
“inability” and then try

ellor Ha yden Stewart may be reached a at 261- 6242

. for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new
office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the
convenience of North Shore residents.

harder to achieve their goal.

- In this area of human

relating, hardly anything is
more counter-productive
than “trying harder”.

Let me assure you that
without a doubt, your lady is
almost certainly able to
become orgasmic, if she
wants to get help in un-
derstanding her situation
and ways open to her to
bring about a rewarding
change. If I were to hear
from her, I would be happy
to refer her to reliable and
competent doctors or
counsellors. Meanwhile,
don't give up and don't “try
harder”. Instead, go after
the help that is needed.

JENN-AIR

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