@ - Friday, February 8, 1991 ~ North Shore News Nothing worse than being rechristened y AMEX 1 AM used to smiting my enemies left and right. This particular smite just took a little longer. Our story begins last spring. It was then that, like the man who begrudgingly admitted around 1950 that the automobile was maybe here to stay, I unwillingly got myself one of those fancy credit cards, American Express. It had taken me quite a while to realize that the slogan ‘‘Don’t Leave Home Without It’? wasn’t merely advice. It was an order. Until then, like the man who used to cry ‘‘Get a horse!”’, I had maintained a touching faith in cash, a chequebook backed by money in the bank, and a semi- honest face. None of the above, however, will get you a car rental if you are five miles out of town. Or even in town. So, after twice being rudely refused a rental in distant, exotic places because I had no major credit card, I conceded that the quill pen was dead and that the 20th century had arrived. And I got an AMEX credit card and settled down to test another of its slogans: ‘‘Membership Has Its Privileges.”’ But not, it seems, the privilege of using your own name. The card, you see, was issued to one ‘‘Trevor R. Lautens.”” Now, I haven't met this Trevor R. Lautens. Who knows? He might be a nice fellow. Soon, however, I was getting his mail — and his bills. The fact is that my birth certifi- cate reads: ‘‘Robert Trevor Lautens.” Now, you may have read recently in the daily papers — for the 400th time — about the dif- ficulty that the left-handed experi- ence in a world created Sargely by and for the right-handed. But that is nothing compared with the tortures inflicted by the remorseless computer, and all who feed her, on people who use something other than their first name. Certainly I'll happily answer the mail for ‘Robert T. Lautens.’’ It’s even a useful tipoff: when a friendly, enthusiastic voice says over the phone, ‘‘Hello Bob? Hey, Bob, how are yuh, eh? Howza family, Bob?’’ — 1 know at once that this is seme salesman peddling insurance, cemetery plots, or whatever, and who has my name ona sucker list that his computer bought from some other company’s computer. But this was different. The credit card was made out to “Trevor R. Lautens.’’ You see the enormity of it all? American Ex- press had renamed me. { think I know why. The Amer- icans — and, of course, AMEX is American heart and soul — have a strange penchant for middle ini- tials. I guess this adds, somehow, cadence and nobility. Thus the presidents of recent decades: Franklin D. Roosevelt. Dwight D. Eisenhower. Richard M. Nixon. Lyndon B. Johnson. Ronald Reagan somehow escapec — too friendly for an ini- tial, I suppose — and so has George H:2rbert Watker Bush, probably oecause rwo initials would drive the system into a tiz- zy. Trevor Lautens | eS awee GARDEN OF BIASES This nutty compulsion was famously extended to Harry Truman — who had no middle name. So an initial was created for him: Harry S. Truman. Time magazine, which didn’t like him, mockingly called ‘‘Harry S (For Nothing) Truman.”’ And so I became ‘‘Trevor R. Lautens.’’ And, because I needed to use the card immediately, I had to sign it that way. Which must be illegal. Probably a fraud. Because there is, I can confidently assert, no one of that name on the face of the earth. At first I was merely annoyed. But then I got irritated by being constantly deluged with slick junk mail from AMEX for this “Trevor R. Lautens.’’ The com- pany never stops selling. I wrote a letter. No response. No change. { began to return my AMEX account bills — I’ve probably given the company only about $500 worth of business — with the old proofreader’s mark, transposing the ‘‘R."’ to its proper place. I got progressively ruder: “Get my name right!”’, | scribbled beside my transposition. I wrote a second letter of con:- plaint, to one Margaret (No Ini- tial) Arway, vice-president, whose name appears over the endless line of AMEX’s letters beginning “Dear Cardholder ...’’ Again, no reply. But this week I finally got a new card. It is made out to “Trevor Lautens.”’ Which ought to end the matter. But there was one final insolence. With the card came an outra- geous letter — a form letter, No. PC-PRLE (7-90) — signed by Ms. Arway. ««,. You have always known that Cardmembership offers you an emergency Card Replacement service,’’ it says in part. ‘‘Now you know how important and convenient this replacement ser- vice truly is. ... We’re glad that we could replace the American Express Card quickly and that you can continue to enjoy the many benefits of Membership ...’’ Get it? The good folks at American Express admitted nothing. No apology. Instead, this oily, purring reassurance that they had stood behind their customer pledges — and the gentle insinua- tion that I had lost their damned card. Which is what | intend Ameri- can Express to get. Lost, that is. COMEDY NIGHT | EVERY SUNDAY ‘Coach: Hou - PRESENTS “a fn. " COUPLES NIGHT & EVERY SATURDAY AND wie wt ONLY 18.00 — SAVE ‘10. available only at the Chevron Gas Station 2698 Capilano Road 987-8821 — NO RESTRICTIONS!!! Be FORMORE 985.6013 Me OUR HOME ALSO OFFERS R.R.S.P.’S OUR R.R.S.P. PACKAGE OFFERS* - ¢ SIX MONTH TERM DEPOSIT - 10 1/2% @ ONE YEAR TERM DEPOSIT - 10 1/2% © 18 month term deposit - 10“W% ® Two year term deposit - 10% © Three year term deposit - 10% ® Four year term deposit - 10% * Five year term deposit - 10% * Variable Rate - 7%* * All rates quoted ase subject to change without notice Transfers We will do all the work for you! Transfer your R.R.S.P. to Gulf and Fraser and invest in any of our term depo-.its and we will guarantee the interest rate in effect on the date of your transfer request. Instant Tax Receipts A convenience for you when wanting to file your Income Tax Return as soon as possible. No Start Up Fees No hidden charges when investing in your Gulf and Fraser R.R.S.P. VANCOUVER BRANCH GULF and FRASER s03Esst Hastings Street oa, FI S H K R M E N , Ss STEVESTON BRANCH CREDIT UNION 3471 Chatham Street Richmond, V7E 2Y9 Tel: 271-5911