STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER

QUESTION: Perhaps ours is
a hopeless care. My husband
wants the both of us to go for
counselling but I can’t figure
out what good it could do. As
long as he is determined not
to admit to fault and do
something about it, what's
the point? How can a person
put up with and live with and
make love to another person
when that person is
thoughtless and cold and
deceitful, not to mention

STEWART: Not really. You
see, human beings have an
unbelievable ability to
change. But I’ tell you this.
If one of them comes with a
prepared list of all the things

ask hayden
stewart

drunk?
Here’s what he says and
does...

(Note from Hayden: At
this point, the writer goes in-
to a very long detailed listing
of all sorts of things that are
wrong with her husband,
describing in crass detail how
he ‘‘carries on’’. Now, back
to the letter.)

I wish he would grow up
and begin to act like a human
being. I keep telling him how
awful he is and how to
change, but I don’t think he
even hears me! That’s why
I'm wondering if our mar-
riage is hopeless. Do you ever
have a couple come to you
for counselling and you
decide their situation is
hopeless?

=]

SS
SS
aS SS
=

OC

Freetance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be
reached at 261-6242 for appointment for
individual, family or group counselling

that are the matter with the

other and leaves me with the
impression that it’s all the

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other one’s fault, | feel pretty
sure there’s not much hope,
if that attitude is continued.
If BOTH come to me with
that attitude my pessimism is
increased.

Occasionally, however,
when a couple discovers how
ridiculously useless it is for
either of them or both of
them to lay all the blame on
the other, they seem to snap
awake and be party to what
might be called, without ex-
aggeration, a _transforma-
tion. Forget about whether it
is wrong. or inaccurate to
lay the blame on the other
fellow, the point is that it is
counter-productive. It does
not work. It fails. It indicates
that another way must be
better.

Those of you who are Love
Principle-nuts are expecting
me to quote the first princi-
ple. So - I will. It says, ‘‘Be
the change you want to see
happen, rather than trying to
change everyone else.’’ In
relation to the above letter, it
is saying, ‘‘Be, in yourself,
the change you want to see
come about in yourself,
rather than wasting time and
energy and creativity in
assuming a prerogative (that
even God shuns) and trying
to make over another human
being.

An oversimplification?
Sure it is if you just read it, or
argue about it. But if you
take a reckless leap into put-
ting it into practice, it tends

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to work. And that’s more
than can be said about what’s
going on in the experience of
the writer of the above letter.
It isn’t the whole answer, of
course, but it’s darn good
starting place.

QUESTION: Sometimes I!
think Life is a willy-nilly
hodge-podge melding of
good luck and bad. Other
times I think it has purpose
and plan and order. How do
you see it?

STEWART: Perhaps you are
a bit too serious and pro-
found for me. [| don’t feel a
need to have an answer to

C11 - Wednesday, October 26, 1983 - North Shore News

that conundrum. Life is real
and I’m a part of it. Whether
or not Life has purpose and
plan for me matters very little
because either way, I[ sense
that | am invited by Life to be
wide awake enough to
discover my OWN purpose.
In fact I feel that one of my
very few responsibilities is to
be aware of purpose within
me and treat it with respect
and gratitude and love. If life

Hopeless marriage needs a ‘transformation’

own. But if I accept the op-
portunity to be aware of my
own purpose, then I (as a
part of Life) and Life itself,
are at one. Life seems, to me,
to be offering me the free-
dom to find my _ purpose
within it. It trust me with that
responsibility. As for PLAN:

The more I become aware of

my purpose, the less I need to
sweat about “*

planning”’ life,

has purpose for me it would more it feels

be purpose other than my  ‘‘planned.’’

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