42 - Wednesday, August 31, 1988 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES mr erapist back self-confidence Q. MY PRESENT boyfriend went with his ex-fiancee for four years. Six months ago she broke off the engagement, having decided that marriage was not what she wanied. He had professional help and was released from seeing the doc- tor. The present problem is that when we try to have sex, he becomes erect and then loses it immediately. Is this due to the fact that he is still in love with his ex- fiancee and not with me? Does he need more counselling? A. More counselling might be helpful, but I have to guess what kind of doctor your boyfriend was seeing before he got ‘‘released.’”’ Right now he has difficulty about having sex with you, and I think it would be wise for both of you to see a sex therapist together — not necessarily to begin sex therapy, but so the therapist can talk to you ask Dr. Ruth Dr. Ruth Westheimer both and come to a conclusion about what kind of help you and your boyfriend need. Perhaps you need what is called couple counselling, marriage counselling with the name changed to suit unmarried couples. The therapist may conclude that some- thing quite different is called for, such as psychotherapy for your boyfriend. I can’t tell you if your boyfriend is still in Jove with his ex and not with you. He may hate her for dumping him, or he may in fact be relieved that she broke off with him. After four years he might have been unsure himself about having a future with her. It would not be unusual for him to have strong feelings for her and for you at the same time. He probably is in love with you but still full of com- punctions about “deceiving” her. Over four years it became a habit with him to give her his loy- alty. Habits like that don’t change overnight. Without talking private- ly with him, this is only a guess on my part, and the only reason I am doing it is that I don’t want you to get the idea that he loves her and not you and that this is the reason for his lovemaking problem. When you leap to that conclu- sion, you are only giving in to some of your worst fears and not even considering some of the very real possibilities. For instance, his Joss of confidence about lovemak- ing might have begun with some unfortunate experience with that ex-fiancee. A man’s sexual self- confidence is easily undermined. I don’t want to portray men as weak or wimpy; Wace men can be This V. NORTH VANCOUVER 251-1116 strong, physically and morally. One private anxiety-borne inability docs not make such a man into a weakling. The fact is that male sexual performance is not con- trolled by the will, like courage and endurance. A man who is frightened can force himself to go into a danger- ous situation and behave bravely. But he cannot force himself to have and keep an erection. That calls for a tota! absence of fear. . And while he can suppress and hide fear in other situations, he cannot banish it by an act of the will. So, once a man ioses faith in his ability to have and keep an erection, it takes a whole change of attitude and behavior to bring back his confidence — and sexual therapy can be of real help for this. It may be that in some passage of love with his ex, your boyfriend lost his ability to keep erect. That is different from being in love with her and not with you. Sharing sex is done by two peo- ple, and you may well be able to make a big contribution to restor- ing his confidence, That is why I suggest that both of you see the sex therapist. Q. How can a woman ‘‘just relax and try to enjoy lovemak- ing?” 1 think I try too hard at it. A. 1 think you are probably right, and the advice you have been given is hard to follow. Relaxing and trying are hard to do at the same time; another hard thing to do is ‘‘try to relax,’’ which is very close to ‘‘stop worrying.” The worrying people do that spoils sexual encounters is often directly related to sexual perfor- mance. The men worry that they can’t obtain and maintain erec- tions; the women worry that they will never have an orgasm. And the biggest obstacle for either the man or the woman is this worry- ing. “Actually, the worrier is not thinking ‘Will I make it this time??? so much as thinking ‘‘I know I won’t.”” That thought br- ings on failure every time — the self-fulfilling prophecy. It is hard not to have that thought when it is the biggest thought in your head. Thoughts don't go away just by being told to. They have to be replaced with other thoughts, and this is why sexual fantasy is so much a part of human sexual en- joyment. I want to emphasize that sexually helpful fantasy is not always thinking up pictures or short stories full of sexual excite- ment, Many women use such vivid fantasy effectively, but many others use much more generalized and vague fantasy. The head can be filled with sounds, colors, situa- tions or scenery that are compati- ble with sensual enjoyment. The idea of arguing witn your boss, for instance, will keep you from enjoying sex; so will the idea that you are going to ‘fail’? your husband and ‘‘fail’? yourself and, in fact, just generally fail. But the thought of being in bed on a ship plowing through the ocean with music you like in the background, may relax you, block out all the negative thoughts of failure and worries and allow you to enjoy the sexual situation you want to be in. a’s For You WEST VANCOUVER 926-554 1 can bring North Vancouver City Library announces NEW HOURS Starting September 6 9:30-9:00 Tuesday-Friday 9:30-5 on Saturday Another thing that helps, of course, is having had a number of good sexual experiences and know- ing how to have them again. It is usually the case that women wor- rying about not having orgasms are also women who know little about their own sexual anatomy and responses. Once again I recommend the book ‘‘For Yourself’? by Dr. Lonnie Barbach, published by New American Library. Invites you to try out their new and improved equipment from Italy at a savings to you! 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