ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

Keep breathing and

QUESTION: Five years ago I
first had the horrible thought
that our marriage was sot
much good and would get
worse. For the next two years
I tried everything I knew to
‘‘save this marriage’’. It
didn't help. Then the next
two years were spent in mak-
ing a decision to leave my
husband, followed by a no-
action time when I put off
doing anything about it,
followed by a very busy time
of working out ‘‘the § ar-
rangements’’ and starting the
divorce proceedings. That br-
ings us up to three months
ago when our divorce came
through.

Before 1 ask my question,
you should know that I was
the one who was more
dissatisfied (my husband
seemed quite content) and I
was the one who made the
decision and wanted = the
divorce and took the = in-
itiative in seeing to the
legalities. I was the one who
wanted my ‘‘freedom’’, who
looked forward to a ‘‘new
life’’, and who talked quite a
lot, I'm afraid, of ‘‘walking
away from the past.’’ Well,
I'm walking away all right,
but where am I going? I don’t
know how to break in on the
‘*new life’’ I’ve wanted.

Don’t get me wrong. | am
glad we have divorced. [It is
better for both of us that we
are apart. Neither one of us is
thinking of trying to get
together again. That part is
O.K. The question that I am
asking myself — and asking
you —- is “*NOW what do I
do?" I'm so used to thinking
‘‘we’’ and all of a sudden the
importance of thinking ‘‘I"
is making me realize how
much ! have to learn and how
many changes are forced on
by my own chooosing.

me

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How do I get started in my
new life?

STEWART: I would say,
pretty much like you always
have! Keep breathing and
making choices. Every breath
you take starts you off on the
latest new life you are living.
Every choice you make
rewards you or teaches you in
preparation for your next
choices.

What sort of person do
you WANT to be in your new
life? in your new freedom?
Make that choice anmd BE
there! It’s pretty much like
that you know.

A place to live, a way to
pay your bills, a job, are all
vitally important, of course.
But they are not nearly as im-
poratnt as is your choice to
allow yourself to be really
YOU. That is your first step
(and second, and third etc.)
So, look deeply into your
Self, and start trusting the
power and the beauty and the
love you find there. They are
central to your being. Allow
yourself, therefore, to start
trusting that Centralitiy of
yours and see where it takes
you. It is YOUR new life, so
please! do not weigh it down
with limitations. Let it be.

QUESTION: What to do? I
was in a restaurant yesterday
and experienced sitting near a
young mother and father
who almost completely § ig-
nored their litthe boy (about
three) even when he
wandered all over the place,
talking (to people at their
tables and finally wandering
out into the kitchen. One of
the waitresses brought him
back (to his parents and I
swear they made no sign of

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make new choices

discipline or love. They made
no effort whatever to keep
him with them. They just
kept eating. He apparently
was not hungry and that
suited them. I was annoyed
by him running free all over
the restaurant. But what to
do? Those parents have a
problem.

STEWART: Perhaps not.

Every little while 1 become
pretty sure that someone else
has a problem, only to
discover that I have.

Then again, like you say,
those parents may have a
problem.

QUESTION: 1 don’t think
people can change very
much. Do you honestly think
I can change my life?

STEWART: No. Not as long
as YOU think you can’t.
Your ume will come. You

WILL change someday.
Perhaps you've already
started.

Why not stay like you are
until you can’t stand it any-
more. That happy day will
come. Be ready.

QUESTION: Is there a
chance in the world that you
might know the author and
the tide of the poem that
starts off with, ‘‘It matters
not how straight the gate...."’
etc.

STEWART. I love to show
off! The author is Wilham
Ernest Henley The poem 1s
called Invictus And the spell
ing ts NOC “Show straight"” but

“Show strait?’ (as in narrow,
lamited, confined )
Anytime

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