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PPC RON EES MR teres

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SERRE

Ghee es

Doug Collins

* get this straight

THIS MAY be election day, but I am not going to tender
any political advice. A fellow could be arrested for doing
such. But whoever wins, changes in the bureaucracy are
in the offing. And that’s where my friend Dr. James

Boren comes in.

Dr. Boren is the author of
Fuzzify!, When in Doubt!,
Mumble, and other literary
masterpieces. He is also the
founder of INATAPROBU (the
International Society of Profes-
sional Bureaucrats), has ambi-
tions to be President of the Unit-
ed States so that he may free the
slaves of the bureaucracy (mean-
ing the public, both American
and Canadian) and has recently
issued examination papers for

i those who wish to be Certified

Professional Bureaucrats (CPBs).
a]

“Come, let us
mumble together.
Let us share the
marginal wisdom,
sing the inspiring
words of the
bureaucrats’
ballad...’

nil

You do not have to be a gov-
ernment employee to sit the ex-
am. Corporate and academic

FPROBUS (professional

bureaucrats) are eligible, as are
clergypersons. Space does not

{ permit reproduction here of the
whole test, naturally, but you can

get the drift from the following
multi-choice questions.
To survive a sudden change in

J your boss or bosses, you should

(a) residuate into a !ow profile,
(b) hunkerfy into a state of men-
tal neutrality, (c} wear clothing

A that blends with the wallpaper,

(d) halljog at least three times a
day, (e) lackify. Editor’s note: to
halljog is to trot around the cor-
ridors of your workplace with a
bulging briefcase, looking impor-
tant and busy. To fackify is to
become a joyful lackey.

If you are forced to testify be-
fore a parliamentary or legislative
committce about some stupid ac-
tion by you, your company or
your organization, you should (a)
profundify your words and fuz-
zify your response, (b) globate
the issue, (c) plead ignorance and
apply to file a statement later (d)
blow the whistle on a junior.
Editor’s note: To globate: to go
global, thus avoiding corners into
which the globator can be back-
ed.

To stay awake at boring staff |

meetings, you should (a) twiggle,
meaning to twiggle the toes with
rhythmic variations, (b) initiate
simultaneous interdigitation
(meaning to interface the digital
elements of the hands in a pro-
fessional manner), (c) boobidoo-
dle (boobidoodles usually reflect
the boobiness of the presenta-
tions being made, not the
boobiness of the boobidoolater),
(d) molarcheck, (e) check the
bridge of your nose. Editor's

note: to molarcheck is to count |

your molars with your tongue.

To preserve the bureaucratic
way of life, be it in the public
service, in a university, corpora-
tion or church, you should (a)
learn to cut red tape lengthwise,
(b) master the art of vertical and
linear mumbling, (c¢) increase
your production of complicated

forms with cross references, (d) |

globate and abstruct all issues, (e)
ego stroke your superiors, (f)
backupuncture your enemies.

If given a 10-page memoran-
dum about the need to keep tax-
payers happy, you should (a) file
it, (b) read and initial it and send
it to another office, (c) make
corrections and send it to the
originating office, (d) set up a
study committee.

if you pass the Boren test you
can become a CPB for the
modest sum of $15 (American).
The Canadian bureaucracy hav-
ing been so effective, it will cost
you more in phoneycoin, natural-
ly. But don’t blame my man for
that. He has been trying to save
you from such a fate for years,
and you have taken no notice of
him.

The master’s final word on our
becoming CPBs was:

“Come, fet us mumble
together. Let us share the
marginal wisdom, sing the inspir-
ing words of the bureaucrats’
ballad Let’s Fingertap Together,
and march with pompostic strides
toward the ultimate goal of
dynamic inaction.’’ (Fingertapp-
ing: to tap your desk seriously
with the fingers. Also known as
thrumming.)

To sit the exam by post and
become a CPB, send the requisite
fiscality to Dr. James H. Boren,
INATAPROBU, 926 National
Press Building, Washington,
D.C. 20045, U.S.A.

BLINDS

gsor-

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College
registration
down

REGISTRATION at) Capilano
College has dropped slightly from
registration a year ago.

In the fall of 1985, 4,292 stu-
dents had enrolled at the college
compared with 4,189 this year.

Of the current enrolment, 2,044
are port-time and 2,145 are full
time vompared with 2,218 part
time und 2,074 full-time students
enreficd in the school fast year,

Man stands trial

A 29-YEAR-OLD North Van-
couver man has been ordered to
stand trial on a pair of assault
charges.

James Raymond Sewell was
originally charged with one count

of assault and one count of assault J

causing bodily harm.

The charges were laid against
Sewell in connection with a June
27 incident in which he is alleged
to have assaulted two other males.

Appearing before Judge J.D.
Layton, the North Vancouver man
was remanded to Jan. 14, 1987 to
stand trial on the charges.

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