24 — Sunday, June 14, 1998 — North Shore News

Mark Fancher
Contributing Writer

PERHAPS the most
misunderstood and

maligned individual in
all of creation is the
father of a family.

It really doesn’t matter

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whether vou’re talking abour
humans, animals, fish, insecrs
.. You name it, when it comes
to the uaiversat fall guy,
fathers come first.

Let’s take insects as 4 for
instance. Here we have the
dutiful single male, rooting
around the garden floor,
cking out a pleasant life of
subsistence when lo and
behold, he picks up a scent
trait that Jeads him to the sil-
very lair of a female.

Now up until this point in
his six-week long life span, the
toughest travail that's befallen
our exoskeletal buddy is the
occasional starling atack, per-
haps the random spraying of a
an insecticide, or in some of
our more urban areas, the
total destruction of his domi-
cile by the focal bipedal pri-
mates who seem to think they
own the place.

Such is life.

But back to the scent trail.
What's happened to this poor
male insect is a two pronged
attack of instinct and gad help
him now, pheromones. ,

For same reason, atid
nobody, from lowly insect to

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stands this one, once the poor
male of the species picks up
that scent it leads to only one
conclusion: propagation.
Women can talk all they
want about the ticking biolog-

. ical clocks they hear in their

wombs, but when the male

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overhears that subtle smp,
snip, snip of time cutting away
at fife’s pleasant canvas, the
poor soul enters thar most
awkward of male rituals: the
urge to pair-bond.

Fortunately for the survival
of species, there is a genetic
blind spet built into the male
and all memories of his own
childhood, adolescence and
adulthood are obliterated.
Suddenly, the idea of going
out and having a nectar with
the boys is passe.

And it’s a damn good
thing too, because if more
males could recall the fact that
their own fathers gave head,
thorax and abdomen to the
mating ritual chat brought
about their existence, then all
species as we know them,
including our own, would be
rendered extiner faster than
you can say “Hey, mama,
what are vou dving to my
head?”

Think about ir. When
Mama Mantis has had her fill
and the brood sac is a-perco-
lating, Papa Mantis had better
beat a hasty retreat with his
head down or he'll! be liable ro
lose it.

e model has bugs to work out

And please, don’r try to say
that it’s passion that causes
mantiscita to go for a bite to
vat apres Pamour. That myth
was obviously starred ya
sympathetic, albeit distaff,
member of the human species.

We all know that insects
only teel passionate around
fight bulbs and those insect
zapping things that go zap,
zit-2ap.

So it goes. Whether you're
a mate sea horse, who is fated
to carry the gestating next
generation in his belly while
mama frolics in the kelp with
her sisters, or you're a human
male sentenced to long
decades of responsibility that
you never would have taken
on if you'd only been able to
remember what happened to
your own father, nature's
huge cosmic joke conuinues to
be played on the pitiful,
unsuspecting male.

And the worst part?
Annually we all celebrare the
fact with a day dedicated to
fathers.

So this Fathers Day, when
someone wishes me well, Cl
use the male mantis’ rejoin-
der: “Bite me,” okay.

Tool Time for the
man of the hour?

DO you have a handy
dad?

As Father's Day approach-
cs, it’s time to start thinking
about a gift that’s just right for
your dad. Why not make a
departure from the traditional
necktie or golf shirt and check
out these useful gift ideas.

Begin by looking at how
your dad spends most of his
time at home, and then pick a
gift that will enhance his activ-
Ities,

For the man who gets a lot
of satisfaction from outdoor

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maintenance, a pressure wash-
er may be the perfect gift.
Available in several power lev-
cls, it offers tremendous con-
venience for the upkeep and
maintenance of your home.

A gas-powered crimmer is
another great gift for the out-
door dad. Some brands have
attachments that expand the
trimmer’s capability so thar
you can add blowers, vacu-
ums, edgers and pruners.

If security is high on dad’s
Priority list, he might appreci-

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m@ RECREATION COMMISSION

| No ties or socks
for this guy!

Score big with Dad with a
gift certificate for a North
, Van recCentre program

v
>

or fitness pass this

Father’s Day.
You can even
throw in a hat,
sports bag,
sports stool

or fanny pack!
Available at
all centres.

 987-PLAY(7529)

Filla water bottle
with body lotion for |

dad and raise money -
for a good cause.

Odorof oi

HELP Dad to smell and
look iis best and raise:
money for the Canadian
Mental Health as
Association at the same
time, ;

With its “Thirst =
Quenching fundraiser,”
Eseents Aromatherapy in
Park Royal South has.a
Father's Day gift idea that’.
will do both. 1

A load of empty water.
bortles bus been shipped
to the shop and Escents
will fll them with your
choice of any of its men’s
bath or body product _
line, called HIM.

The water bortles, i
which hold 16 0z., would °
normally retail for $22.
Instead, SEO will have
Dad smelling fine, and
half the proceeds will go: |
to the CMHA. .

The goal is to raise.
$5,000 — approximately
1,000. water bortles —
through ail four store
locations. : ca

The locally-made bath:
and body. products avail-.',
able at the ‘store are scent-:.*
ed with 100% pure essen-
tial oils. a SE

— Deana Lancaster.
WHY not treat Dad to’.
a fun meal out and © ;
come home with a
keepsake? - :

It’s become.a tradi-
tion at the Cactus Club,
Café for children to take:
their fathers to the
restaurant on their big
day for brunch, lunch 'or=;
dinner, and get a
polaroid snapped by t
staff as a momento. ©"

Although the photos
are free, any donations. .
made on Father’s:Day’
will be given to the Big
Brother’s of B.C: eo,

The Cactus Club Café *
is celebrating 10 years in
operation this year —
and its first location was
right here on the North ~~
Shore, on Pemberton
Ave. in North
Vancouver,