40 ~ Wednesday, September 12, 1990 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Confused woman wants fo marry homosexual man Q. f AM a 25-year-old woman. A few years ago I had an experience with a woman which convinced me I was les- bian. Then I became friends with a gay man and the friendship has turned into love, at least on my part. I want to be with him. I want to make love to him, marry him and have his baby. But he says he isn't sure about those things. I know there are two chances, slim and none. But I want to be with him. I can‘t stop loving him. What can I do to per- suade him? A. It sounds to me like you have some confusion about your own sexuality — and his. Yes, a gay man could father a child if he wanted to do so. But is that what you really want? It would not be easy to live the rest of your life knowing that man you love is loving other men. Perhaps you are thinking that he will change his mind about being gay as you have apparently changed yours about being les- bian. If he’s truly gay, he can’t change. It you were truly lesbian, you wouldn’t be so obsessed with this man, would you? You must discuss these ques- tions with a therapist. Entering in- to a relationship with this man will cause pain and problems for both of you: Why not look for a straight man, who can unequivocally commit to you and the children you might have together. Q. | am 23 and I have been married for two years to a wonderful man who is 27. We have an adorable little boy, no fi- nancial problems. We love each other’s families. Everything is great, except for one big problem: He is a prude in bed. Basically, be is mechanical in his lovemaking, reluctant to engage in foreplay and unimaginative in trying new posi- tions, times, places, practices, I want these things! He asks me, “What do you want these things for? Everything is fine the way it is.” Dr. Ruth Westheimer ASK DR. RUTH I am dying for some sexual variety in my life. Once I brought home some erotic literature. What can § do? I've considered an affair, but I love my husbard. How can I get him out of his prudish ways be- fore it’s too late? As you can guess, am very frustrated. A. There is only one thing to do: You must take the initiative, Take your little boy to visit his grandparents for the night. When your husband comes home, be waiting for him in an exotic out- fit. Tease him sexually, but don't allow him to reach orgasm. Then sit him down and say, ‘“tLook, 7 know you are satisfied with our sex life, but I am not. | want more. And you will have to do it for me.”’ Then you choreograph the lovemaking session. Tell him what you want and insist he give it to you. As long as you sit back passively allowing him to continue his prudish ways and still have his orgasms, he won’t change. If, however, he realizes you need something more — and he won't get his satisfaction until you do — he will come around. 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