Winners losers QUESTION: Pve become. so very, very tired of my husband and me arguing about everything in the: world. I can’t say or do a thing without him telling me, where I am wrong and how his way is better. Pve been so aware of his attitude and so mad about it that I didn’t realize till just lately that I am doing the very sam thing to him. Ot We are continually trying to win out and to avoid losing - out. It’s a wonder we haven’t sei up a system of keeping : score! Seeing that I am always trying to win [just as: much as he is] makes me feel that I have suddenly stum- bled onto something impor- tant. How can I use it? STEWART: Congratula- tions! You have stumbled onto something vitally im- portant. When two people who love each other are often trying to ‘win,’ each of them loses nearly all the time. Remember how you felt the last time your husband ‘won.’ Wasn’t it awful? Well that’s the way he felt that © last time you ‘won.’ So, even when you win you really lose, because you: are living with a person who lost and is very unhappy or angry or ashamed or dep- ressed. You are so right! So what will you. do with your new insight? Well, for your own sake, don’t try to win ever again, and don’t try to avoid losing ever again. Instead, make the change you want to see happen, rather than trying to change your husband. . Give your love and your- self, without expectations (we’re back to that again!) and provide him with oppor- tunities to give his love and himself. You may be able to share your new insight with him, if you do it without ‘preaching’ at him. Let him know that you have made a discovery about your rel- ationship that you want to do something about. Then let him know you mean it by concentrating on your being © rather than your winning. Best wishes! Not all carollers sing for cash QUESTION: Just after reading your comment about carollers collecting moncy for: TOTAL CARPET AND UPHOLSTERY CARE. a Carpatizing is fast, ‘conven- miont and olfective. Carpotiz-. a ing guarantees no soaking, | ‘no shrinkage, no matting or: colour toss. Carpotizing does A not require furniture removal (OL. mand your carpet can be used a immediatoly. I PRESENT THIS AD FOR | $85.00 ON ANY COST F YOUR CARPET NEEDS. PHONE ANVTIME FOR ANO OBLIGATION ESTIMATE residential commeorcial industrial page 4 - January, 7, 1976 - North Shore ' News Freelance. Counsellor Hayden Stewart does private counesiting as well as 2 great deal of group work. He can be contacted. at 261-6242 for information and appointments. Letters are “always wolcome. Mail them to HAYDEN STEWART, c/o the North Shore Shopper, #202-1139: Lonsdale, North Van. themselves, our door bell rang and hefore we ant there the carollers were singing their hearts out—beautifal! We asked them would they like a treat. ‘Oh no thank you.”’ We asked them what purpose they were collecting for and did they want a donation. They refused that too and said, ‘““We are just ‘singing carols because we . enjoy doing it.’’ We want to mention here that we appreciate the efforts -of these young people who kneck on our! door singing carols for us and sincerely hope they will be back next year! ; Expectancy beats expectations QUESTION: What in the world do you mean when you advise us to “‘love without expectations?”? If I don’t have any expectations, for example, In regard to my husband, what do I have? J Noel? 1910 Lonsdale : north vancouver : 985-5552 . unlimited experiences. living fully in the here and. _ pectations, | PAPERBACKS -1o* EACH | Pacific Book 1135 Lonsdale hearing | loss? See us for ‘good hearing ald’ servicd —sales,repairs,. ‘batteries, and ‘advice. ( Anorthwestern - | | \\ p hearing centre 9:30-5 Sat. 9:30-1- STEWART: — What I said, I think, was that it is far more rewarding to have no Specific expectations, but rather abundant expectancy. The difference between ex- . pectations and expectancy is | vast. it is the difference. between looking at a beaut-— ifully lighted pathway threugh a clogged keyhole behind a jocked door and walking freely through the the pathway offers. It is the difference bet- ween limited perceptions and ° Living out of abundant expectancy includes a lot of ‘letting’and very little (if any) dealing and bargaining and demanding. Being abund- antly expectant, and without specific expectations, I will have created no opportunity to be disappointed or to receive limited or limiting results. I will let be what will be. I recognize that there may still be some _ dis- appointments, or limiting results, (which I will be able to handle) but they will not be forced upon me because of my specific expectations. Having no specific expec- tations, but rather abundant expectancy, has to do with now. When we are living out of specific expectations, we are living in the future and therefore in non-reality. Ex- pectations are always out of phase with what is. They are © . pre-conditions we put on life in‘our effort to control life: The trouble is they do not deal with what is, but only what might be. A better way to relate to the future is to focus in on being in the present what we would like to see come into ~ | being in the future. Be it! Do it! Here and now, with abundant... expectancy and without limiting specific ex- 12, for $1 ¢ ROMANCE | °: DETECTIVE | e WESTERN — ‘North Van, open door into the exper- © -4ences that town & country clothes semi-| annual storewide clearance. 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