C8-Wedmesday, May 28, 1980 - North Shore News

Always struggling
to reach a decision

QUESTION: “Why can't you
EVER reach a decision?”
That's what my husband says
to me once in a while. He
says it too often to suit me.
Here's what led up to it last
thee. He said, “How would
you like to go to a show?” I
said, “Great — Id like that”
He said, “I see that ‘10° ts on.
How's that?” Now, I've
wanted to see ‘10’, so I
agreed with enthusiasm.
Then he said, as he looked at
the paper, “Oh, Kramer vs.
Kramer 5 still on too. That's
a good one, it's won all sorts
of awards. Would you rather
see it?” I don't want to see
Kramer vs. Kramer really,
but I knew he did, so, I said,
“That's O.K. with me.
Whichever one you say”. So
then came the top line of this
crary script — “Why can't
you ever reach a decision?”
You see I DID reach a

decision, but it was not the
decision HE reached. What
went wrong? And why does
it keep going wrong?

STEWART: It went wrong
away back when you started
hiding your own desires and
preferences and handed over
the decision-making to him.
In this current script, it went
wrong when he asked you if
you'd rather see Kramer vs.
Kramer and you failed to
say, “No, I'd rather see ‘10’”
and then went on to add,
“Whichever one you say”.
He probably knew he was
trying to manipulate you a
bit, and, feeling guilty about
it, he needed to put the
blame on you. There was an
alternative answer open to
you. You might have said,
“I'd really rather see ‘10’. but
I know you want to see
Kramer vs. Kramer, so, this

What about friends
who come and ‘sponge’?

QUESTION: It's happened
again! You bad a letter like
this last year. Friends of ours
have written saying they are
going to be in town for a
week im July and that ht
would be swell to sce uw and
spend some time with as.
Then — now here's the rub
-— they say, “Could you help
us locate a nice, incxpenstve
hotel?” They might just as
well have said, “Can we

Scars

Capilano Mall

sponge on
peopleT

STEWART: That's not hard
Write them immediatcly and
invite them to stay with you
at your house Or, if that

you good

does nol appeal to you, write
them immediately with a list
of inexpensive hotels (If you
want to be sure they come
back again in afew years 11!
tell you a couple of hotels to
from your last) On oaf

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time let’s go to the one you
really want to see and next
time I'll make the choice.
OK?” At least he would then
have a clear answer from
you that would be unt-
wistable.

If you've been practicing
for years to keep him happy
by expressing choices that
were not really your choices,
it may well be that you have
actually become even more
indecisive than you realize.
Ask him if he would feel
better if you were more
decisive more often. If he
says he would, tell him you
will try it on for size, then
start doing it. | have a feeling
it would be better for both of
you.

Did you hear about the
woman who said, “I've
decided to take a course in
self-assertiveness — if it’s
O.K with you”?

them NEVER to
return again, | could name a
couple of hotels that would
encourage that

you want

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QUESTION: I was brought
up to be a_ goal-oriented
person and to REACH MY
GOALS. I think it's a good

way. I've set some high
standards for myself and
time and again, in fact,

usually, I stick with my goals
and achieve them. Of course
the goals get higher all the
time and right now I'm in a
terrible mess because I'm
simply not making my ex-
pectations. I've GOT to
meet the goals I've set lor
myself, but right now I'm
pretty sure 'm not going to
do it. That's hard to admit,
but things are piling up and I
think I'm in for faflure. Once
I set a goal I've just got to
meet it. So now what? I
know my goals are too high
for me to reach, even though
i sec them myself. What's to
do?

STEWART: It) gives me
great pleasure to tell you to

throw out your poals
Usually they are a hoax
anyway Remember YOU!
set them. and youve set

them high in order to make

(Inti May slat Oaty

922 4B14

st enngy AL Phe cn

yourself achieve. Your pride
has pushed you into setting
impossible goals, so, out of
honesty and compassion,
throw them out! Replace
them with a dedicated effort
to do well. Youll never do
your best anyway — none of
us do — so, just do well. Do
very well, but do it without

ask hayden stewart

freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
forappomiments for individual, family or group counselling His new
office in the Internanuonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the

convenence af North Shore residents

Forget your goals

specific goals. Just do it.
Youll love it, and youll
probably climb closer to the
old goals you have wisely
thrown out. I stole a quote
for a column not long ago, it
said, “Remember, only a
mediocre person is always at
his best”. Forget your goals
and do well.

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