C8 - Sanday, May 23, 1982 - North Shore News

THINKING OF MARRIAGE, BUT-::

Wants freedom to ‘see’ other women

QUESTION: My friend of
three years says he has come
to a point in our relationship
where he wants me to be his
“main lady” while he is free
to “see” other women too.
We are both in our mid-
twenties and are thinking of
marriage in a year or so. He
wants this “freedom”, as he
calls it, at least during the
time before our marriage,
and perhaps for afterwards
too. He says 1 am the only
one he loves and that I am
the one he wants to be with.
At present, although we both
have our own places, we are
practically living together, at
one place or another.

His idea of a couple
having their home-base,
while he has his other
women, really does not
bother me much FOR
OTHER PEOPLE, but I am
having a very difficult dme
accepting it as a way of life
for us. I don’t like the idea at
all when it has to do with

Somet

QUESTION: I have had a
long lasting friendship with
Eva that was always a
comfort and a joy. We spent
a lot of times together in all
sorts of interests. I should
point out that ours was not a
lesbian relationship even
though it was warm and
intimate and of great value
to both of us. Now, for some
reason, we just began to see
less of each other. We had

ME. I think I don’t want to
put up with it at all. But I
love him dearly and want to
marry him and want him to
be true to me. But he seems
to think this is something he
wants to do and must do in
order to “try out his
freedom,” as he puts it.
There its also another part
of this problem that is a
mystery and a worry to me
and that is that he is really a
very religious person and has
very strict morals. He is
more religious than | am and
he believes that doing what
he is wanting to do is not
good. In fact, he calls other
people “sinful” who do what
he is proposing for himself.
That is something I just

cannot understand. Can
you?
What do you think I

should do? At times I feel
like I should give my ap-
proval to what he wants to
do, just to keep us together
(most of the time) and to

hope he'll change his
thinking. At other times, I
think I should not have
anything to do with the idea
at all because it is all wrong
and simply will not work. I
am like a pendulum. Will
you please comment and tell
me what you see in this
situation.

STEWART: If you have not
done it already, be sure to let
him know that you do not
feel in the least comfortable
with his idea. Do it in a way
that will help him know it is
very important for him to
understand how you feel.
Could you tell him that
because you love him so
much and want your lives to
be together, you are willing
to offer him the freedom he
wants, but that more than
likely you will find it too
hard to handle. In a way,
you are saying, go ahead and
do as you wish, but I cannot

ing to heal the

taken courses together, went
to the same club, took in
movies, did all sorts of things
together and without
friends. Then it began to be
that we'd not see each other
for a week, and then for a
month.

We never once had a fight
or a squabble. We just
seemed to drift apart. The
point ['m making is that
there was no specific reason

for us to be less friendly. It
just seemed to happen. I do
not know any reasons for it
and | do not think she does
either. We just drifted into
other channels. I feel badly
about it and would like to do
something to heal the breach
and bring us into our former
friendship space.But, when I
have done nothing to bring it
about, why should I make
the first move?

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guarantee that I will be able
to fit into it for any great
length of time.

He should understand that
you abhor the idea but will
offer him the freedom he
wants, even while you
realize that you, also, have a
freedom you must respect, a
freedom to say, this is not
the way of life I want. You
should make no promises

STEWART: And. for that
matter, why should SHE?
You are the one who wants
to “do something to heal the
breach.” Do it then! Don’t
waste time deciding who
should go first. You want to
do something about it. So get
going.

ENGST sha

about the length of ime you
will give him for his ex-
perimenting, letting him
know you are going along
with HIM, but not with his
chosen way, and that you
have no way of knowing
whether you can do that for
a week or for fifty years. He
needs to know that he simply
cannot bank on you to set
aside your principles
regarding loving relation-

ships. The freedom 1s
already his, you know.

He'll just have to decide
how he wants to use it and
you'll have to decide in what
ways you can be a part of it
and in what ways you find
yourself outside it. Trust his
love. Trust your love. Love
will find a way to enhance
your togetherness or to bless
your possible separation.

ask hayden stewart

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

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