UESTION: Fve got
this very good friend
who scores zilch for
reliability. I never
know whether she is going to
do what we agree to. I like
her a lot and whenever we are
together I feel comfortable

ask hayden
stewart

Freetance Counsetios Hayden Stewart may be
reached at 261-6242 for appotwnimeni for
indivadual, family or group counselling

with her and really enjoy
myself. We have a lot in com-
mon and I want our good
friendship to last. However,
this business of her being so
undependable gets me
furious at times and I want to
really tell her off. The other
day - it was Wednesday - we
were to meet at my place at 3
o'clock. She turned ap at
about a quarter to two! Jt
could have been 5 or 7 or
even the following Friday.
Whether she’s a day early or
a day tate, she comes breez-
ing in al) enthusiastic about
something and never a men-
tion of being late or early or

Don't bank o
reliable friend

on the wrong day. If I say
anything to her about it, she
hardly seems to hear what
I’m saying and goes on with
her exciting interest of that
particular hour. To her, it
just doesn’t matter whether
it’s Tuesday or Thursday,
morning or night, there’s
always something far more
important than that. We’ve
been friends for about six
years now and you know, I
think she’s getting worse and
worse. Ejther that or I'm get-
ting more and more upset by
her. I'm getting to be more
sarcastic with her and more
critical and I’m afraid that
one of these days I'll blow my
top and lose the friendship of
one of the most enjoyable
people of my acquaintance.
I’ve thought more than once
I'd like to give her some of
her own medicine and see
how she likes it. I’ve thought
that if she didn’t arrive by the
time we've agreed on [’d just
go out and leave her flat. But
I don’t like being tike that.
What can I do? How can I
get her to be more depen-
dable? She seems to be
basically unreliable. 1 can’t
bank on her.

STEWART: if you can’t
bank on her, the first thing to
do is not bank on her
anymore. The thing that
bothers you is that she does
not live up to your expectac-
tions of her. You have not ac-
cepted the reality of her
unreliability. You are still
pretending she IS reliable,
but has bothersome lapses.
You are still wishing she were
different and even trying to
figure out ways that you can
make her different. If you
liked everything about her ex-
cept that she has red hair
(which you deplore) you'd be

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- C19 - Wednesday, April 4

. 1984 - North Shore News

shightly bonkers to pretend
she’s a blonde or try to get
her to be a blonde, or get sore
at her for being a red-head.
Listen! She comes with red-
hair as standard equipment.
Can you still enjoy the rest of
her? She also comes with a

dependable trait of
unreliability. You need not
enjoy her unreliability

(anymore than her red hair)
but you can give yourself the
pleasure of accepting it as a

part of herself and enjoy
HER!

Have no specific expecta-
tions of her, and that in-
cludes the expectation that
for some reason or other she
will start being reliable. She
may, and she may not. Ac-
cept her as she is and get on
with your enjoyment of her.
That’s the way she is - so far.
Will you have her, as is, or
would you rather do a
number on her and find she’s
not around anymore?

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