eet

QUESTION: My mother
and father were divorced.
about four years ago and my
sister and I live with her. Pm
12 and my sister is nearly 17.
My sister says that after the
divorce my mother didn’t
have any friends in and
didn’t go out much for a
couple of years. I hardly
noticed that because I was
pretty young. But that sure
isn’t happening now. I think

- mom wants to get married

again or something. because
she sure has lots of boy
friends now. Two different
guys come to see her pretty
often and another one comes
once in a while. As soon as
one of these guys comes over
she gets me and my sister to
to to our rooms or downstairs
to the play-rcom. Why can’t
we stay with them part of the
time? If she wants to get

Freelance Counsellor, Hayden
Stewart does private counsel-
ling as well as a great deal of
group work. He can be
contacted at 261-6242 for
information and appointments.
Letters are always welcome.
Malt them to HAYDEN
STEWART, c/o the North
Shore News, #202-1139 Lons-
dale, North Van.

page 16, July 14, 1976 - North Shore News

married, I'd like to know the
guy at least a little. My sister
says i should niind my own
business and let them be
alone because they don’t
have much chance because
mom works and she doesn’t
like to go out much and leave
us kids alone. OK, that
sounds OK, but what about
us? I feel like mom hardly
knows I’m alove. I don’t like
being left out by my own
mother. What should I do?

STEWART: First try to
understand your mother’s
situation. It was probably for
your sake that she went a
couple of years without
mixing with her friends. She
doesn’t want to be always out
with _ friends
ignores you kids. BUT she

right

QUESTION: Sometimes I
get the feeling von have
some sort of pipe-line into
my thinking. You don’t know
me and I’ve never written
you before, but it’s almost
like someone is telling you
-about me. The last time it
happened was when you
quoted that poem that starts,
“If you love something set it
free.’ That’s the very thing I
have been trying to do and
‘then you wrote the thing that

gavé me some. support.
‘sank you for your column.
Is there some way to make
that setting free a little easier

a; .. on the one who is trying to do

it?

STEWART: About ten min-

utes before your letter came,
-I received a ‘phone call from

- one of my counselling clients

who said, ‘*I think you wrote
that answer for me!’’ So, you
are not alone in applying
some of these comments to
your own situation. What you

while she.

to love

does want friends and it is
good and normal and healthy
for her to have men friends.
In some ways, your sister is
right. Your mother needs a
little breathing space with
her friends and you can help
by making that possible for
her. However, there may be
a way for her to do her thing
in a way that will be easier on
you. Be JURE she knows
how you jeel. Let her know
you want her to have friends
but that you feel scary and
lonely for her and that it’s
kind of hard for you to handle
it. Try not to be critical of her
while she is working out a
difficult time in her life. Ask
her, instead, to help you

‘understand because you love

her and want to feel that you
are important to her. You
may find. out that she needs
YOUR help too.

ive the

are trying to do (in setting
free someone vou
cannot ever be easy. It takes
a big person to give himself
to it without “‘hanging on’”’ at
the same time. So, don’t look
for it to be easy, If you feel it
is right for you, just do it. If
you are’ still hoping to be
loved by the person you are
setting free, you may get
some encouragement from
the words .of an author,
unknown to me, who said,
‘*You CANNOT be loved by
someone to whom you have
not given the right NOT to
love you.’’ Another’ persen
may choose a different route
and fight and claw and
scratch to hang on to
something he loves. It seems
to me your chosen way leaves
you with more hope of joy
and fulfillment. You are
more likely to keep your own
freedom to be, by offering
that sort of freedom to.
others.

love)
love?

Dependable help in overcoming
fears and ignorance about sex

_ QUESTION: For reasons 1

don’t need to go Into, Iam, at

‘age 21, very ignorant and
fearful about sex. I make

friends easily, with men or

women, but with men I feel
very immature and Innocent.
lam literally afraid that I will
have uncontrolled sexual
feelings before I know
enough of what It is all about
to handle my feelings prop-
erly. I don’t want to have a
sexual relationship simply
because I know I would
appear utterly unprepared
and stupid. am oven
ignorant about how to fearn
what I need to know. I don’t
really want to read any of the
hundreds .of ‘sex books’’ I
seo on the shelves, In case I
get hold of one that would
lead me into a wrong
direction. [I] would hardly
know If the book ' was
conservative or way-out or
oven just. plain dirty. How
can I got rellable, dopend-
able help from a knowled-
geable source

STEWART: There are
available to you helps from
adequately prepared indiv-

iduals, from reliable agen-
cies, from courses that are
“offered by colleges, church-

eS, agencies and individuals

and from available literature.

‘1. Skilled individuals: If ~

you have a doctor you feel at
home with, tell him frankly
what you need and ask him
for a referral to a psychol-
ogist, counsellor, or medical
specialist. Or, if you sense
that. your minister is app-
roachable, ask him for a
referral. I would be happy to
set up appointments with
you, or refer you to people J
know and trust in this sort of
situation.

2. ‘Reliable agencies: I
know that the Vancouver
Resource Board offers cour-
ses on Human Sexuality and
Iam sure the Family Service
agency on the North Shore
would help you or pass you
on to some help. The North
Shore Living and Learning

3. Courses: Check the
curricula of the commmunity
colleges or the Universities
and even the various Comm-

unity Centres for courses |

that could be useful to you.
Some of the churches offer
help in this field. The

‘Unitarian Church of Van- ,

couver has provided courses

in the past and may still do.

4. Available literature: I
would hesitate to recommend
books or magazines to you
without understanding your
particular
better, however there is one
rather large book that you
probably could get from the
library, which covers the
general subject of human
sexuality rather well. It is
titled simply, Human Sexu-
ality and is written by James
‘Leslie McCarry. |

I hope these idcas may
provide you with something
you would like to explore.
You are wise to get on with it
rather than’ feeling badly
about your lack of informa-

tion and understanding. Best

- wishes,

circumstances —

The 3-B Mile Miser was developed in Victoria, B.C. to

*Increase gas mileage by as much as 30%
*Improve engine performance

*Improve combustion efficiency

*Aid in reducing exhaust pollutants
*Help smooth acceleration

Complete Kit- °29°°

WESTVIEW ESSO SHOP MANAGER AI Kroetsch states, ‘'| have found the
3-B Mile Miser to be so effective in improving gas mileage and improving
overall engine performance that I've installed one in my own car. By breaking
up atomized particles of alr and gas before they enter. the combustion |
chamber the Mile Miser has eliminated backfiring from overfueling In the

carburetor.
4-M.

GAS MISERS INC.
1500 Marine Dr. North Von .

V2 BLOCK WEST OF NORGATE SHOPPING CENTRE m ta

Mon—Fri: 0-6 | wt atts i
Saturdays: 6:30 - 3:00 mo My wh San f Ny