THE MODERN wortd, eh? Here’s one for you. Teenagers in Toronto's North York area have been stealing vans latcly. Two people have actually been killed by teenagers roaring around in stolen vans, Why vans? Well, according {o police, the vans are slightly casier to break into than cars. But that's not the main reason. The main reason, apparently, is that they steal the vans to crash them agiainst a wall or a fence some- where, And why would they want 10 crash them? Get ready. They do it so the airbags will open, and they get the thrill of being flung forward airbags. Now, surely this tells us something about human nature. I would have sworn that the introduction of airbags as a safely _ feature was one of those great, pro- . gressive measures that was a good thing all around, and couldn't possi- bly tead to any unwanted negative side effects. But, no. Somebody has to find a 6@ Milk shakes have ibéen around since the first world’s fair in England over 100 years ago.99 way to abuse the system, or use it for some utterly unpredictable, _, tidiculous purpose, like playing | .. real-life crash-test dummy, a varia- “thon, [ guess, on old-fashioned = “~ Russian Roulette. The lesson here? Well, maybe ‘it’s that no matter how hard you try to get'things right, some idiot some- where will make a mess of i. - You don’t buy this? You want more evidence? .. How about this? | was driving along a highway the same day tie news broke about the teenagers stealing vans, when I got an urge fora simple, ordinary vanitla milk shake, No big deal, right? Milk shakes have been around since the first world’s fair in England over 100 STRICTLY PERSONAL years ago. A milk shake is almost an inalienable birthright, one of the payoffs for enduring the madness of the 20th century. There was a huge fast-food com- plex ahead, complete with a Petro- Canada gas station, a Wendy's, a Tim Horton's, a Mr. Sub anda Baskin-Robbins. Great, thinks I, how perfectly civilized. I don’t like big mall-like com- plexes off the edges of highways as a rule, but the milk shake urge was affecting my thinking. So 7 turned in to the gigantic parking lot, and marched inside into the gigantic complex, smacking my lips. The Baskin-Robbins was closed for the season. - No problem. I'll just go over to one of the other places in the mall. Do you think [ could get a milk shake anywhere? No, of course not. The deal Baskin-Robbins had cut with the other companies was that nobody would sell ice cream products, because that would involve actual competition between these cosy corporate characters. No way could that be allowed to hap- pen. .° So, accerding to contract, nobody was allowed to sall me what I wanted, a simple, traditional, easy- to-make vanilla milk shake. Millions of dollars they spent creating this super-stopover joint. The cash registers were all com- pulerized, Market experts had poured over a zillion data-bytes fig- uring out every trick in the book 'to get road-weary travellers to part with their money. There were immense neon signs out front to tempt us in. But nobody could sell me a milk shake! This is progress’? / Down, irritable Maybe } was just having a bad head day. Id heard the news item about the teenagers taking off for airbag kamikaze thrills, and had had my bad experience with trying to buy a milk shake while driving out toa farm to doa story on mad cow dis- case, And (thought it was just milk shake fans and van owners who were having problems! Consider the plight of the poor farmer | interviewed. He spent $17,000 importing two prize Lincoln Red cows from the United Kingdom a few years ago to, increase the value of his herd. He was careful to obtain docu- ments from the ministry of agricul- ture in England proving that the two expensive beasts were from a herd that was free of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, otherwise known as mad cow discase. The two cows showed every sign of being perfectly healthy. They were inspected every six months. All was well until last December when a federal government bureau- crat phoned up to say that : Agriculture Canada had decided the cows would have to be killed. Why? Well, in order to find out if they had mad cow discase. The only way to find out if they have mad cow disease, in the absence of any symptoms, is to kill the animals and cut open their brains to see if there’s anything The Perfect RSP Investment! Provincial Government Guaranteed Please Call: The North Shore's only Full Service investment Firm 981-6600 RBC DOMINION SECURITIES Member of Royal Bank Group 201-250 15th St., West Vancouver d accelerate Boals. & Cut of sorts Our Servic / Anxious - ur Services Include Sunday, February 13, 1994 - North Shore News - 7 ureaucrats wrong. The farmer was semewhat upset, as you can imagine. The reason given for the govern- ment’s decision was that ifthe cat- tle weren't killed, some other coun- tries — no names mentioned — might refuse to import Canadian beef, even though there is no evi- dence at all that this particular firmer’s cows are infected. Wait! It gets better, or worse, depending on what you're trying to prove, ; Agriculture Canada’s regulations do not allow the feds to pay more than $2,000 for any cattle it deems necessary to kill. So, for his $17,000 investment, he'll get $4,000 back from Ottawa ~—- whether the cows, when killed, prove to have been sick or not. 1 dunno. 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