30 - Wednesday, May 1, 1991 - North Shore News he First (and hopefully last) Annual Anti-GST Poetry Contest is over and the flood of scathing submissions has finally dried to a tardy trickle. Over 220 of you penned a total of 245 poems expressing your disgust with the tax in general and its application to books and mag- azines in particular. You sent in sonnets, limericks and haiku; a few raked Mulroney, Wilson et a/ over the coals in epic and bloodthirsty styles that would have put Beowulf to shame. You borrowed unabashedly from sources as diverse as Shakespeare and Service — and some of you even admitted it. The one thing you all shared in common was an expression cf outrage singularly at odds with the docility normally ascribed to the character of the jolly and servile Canuck. Selected winners from this massive outpouring of an- ti-’‘Gouge & Screw Tax” bile wasn’t easy. Points were awarded for humor, style and your ability to express yourselves without recourse to all those naughty Anglo-Saxon ex- pletives that make editors cringe; they really don’t like the competi- tion. First-place honors went to Dick Hainsworth, 61, of Maple Ridge. whose Song of A No-Dough (‘with apologies toa Robert W. Service’) appears here in all its unabridged acerbity. Song of A No-Dough by Dick Hainsworth A bunch of MPs were shooting the breeze At the weekly Tory caucus When, led by his chin, Mulroney walked in And the cheers were long and raucous. He said “Our Mike has a plan} like Approved by all the Cabinet: There’s a buck out there we've failed to snare Mike Steele BOOK REVIEW And Mike’s got a scheme for grabbin’ it. We won't just screw a thing or two, It’s an all-inclusive tax That's heaven-sent, it’s seven per cent On the whole damned ball of wax! This awesome scheme is a con man’s dream To keep us in Hog Heaven ‘Cause over time the rate can climb To nine or 10 or i1. We call the tune so we're immune (And he smiled at the spellbound gallery) If the GST hurts you and me We'll simply raise our salary! Now, the great unread are easily e And thinking’s far beyond ‘em But the folks who read are a dan- gerous breed Who'll understand we've canned em. So we'll get our hooks into things like books (The next best thing to burning) And raise the cost until they’ve lost Their appetite for learning.” It pays, you'll find, to keep in mini The moral of this story: That only the dense, bereft of sense, BRUNCH Sunday 12 May 10:30am - 3:00pm in the Coach House Ballroom *80 item deluxe buffet * gift for Mom * Family entertainment RESERVE NOW 985-3111 the coach houseinn 700 Lillovet Rd. at. to tas Will re-elect a Tory. Not content with this winning submission, Dick Hainsworth also included a second, shorter poem I'd like to share with you. Mulimerick You've got to admire that Mulroney, How quickly, completeiy and soon he Expanded taxation Divided the nation And gave us his trademark — the looney. Burnaby’s Doug Evans, soon to find his name on the G.S.T. Police’s list of ‘Most Wanted” fugitives, penned the second-place winner under what might be call- ed his nom de patate. They Wouldn’t, Would They? by Common ‘tater Somewhere in his Meech Lake jaunt The Great One sits a-pondering. How to squeeze more taxes out Is what the P.M.’s wondering. He’s taxed Gur booze and ciga- reties And gas ad infinitum, And slapped a clawback on the cheques OF ald folks just to spite ‘em. But how to tap the poor man’s purse, To tax the air we breathe? And suddenly the light goes on, “We'll have a G.S.T.1" “The G.S.T. will miss no man, No woman, child or beast; On cradle clothes to funeral shroud The G.S.T. will feast.”’ “What next! What next!" his cohorts cry With glory, Tory glee — The Great One grins, ‘‘And after that We'll tax the G.S.T.!”" Like Dick Hainsworth, Doug Evans found a single poem inade- quate for the task of lambasting the G.S.T. ghouls and added this: Sex Be Not Proud “How much is this?’ asks little John His passion now concluded. 100% COTTON It’s 50, love,’” his bed-mate smiles “With G.S.T. included.” In the next Books Now we'll be jooking at the third- and fourth- place winning entries, several submissions that earned honorable mentions and some of the many letters sent by angry readers. Until then, happy shopping. FABRICS & T-SHIRTS PLAIN FABRICS FROM 36” to 103” WIDE * Broadcloth * Cheesecioth # Drill e Duck ¢ Canvas « Flanneletie « Jersey * Fleece * Muslin © Ticking * Poplin « Sheeting © Terry Towelling * Denim « Burlap 921-8161 of Rorssshoo Ray Bh Gisod bon. & Toes Parties Canada’s Grade ‘A’ . BLADE CHUCK ROAST A traditional pot roast “It’s DUNSAR & 30th + DUNDARAVE, WEST VANCOUVER For reservations 3miesroth | Banquets & Private British Week at Stong’ s” REGULAR STORE HOURS —— eee MON., TUES.. WED., SAT. 9a.m. to 7p.m. JHURS., FA!., 9a.m. to 9p.m. SUNDAY i0a.m. to 6p.m. LYNN VALLEY CENTRE ONLY phlehhiadsahaieat nadarehe eat MON.-SAT. 8a.m. to 9p.m. DOLLAR SHOPPING CENTRE, DEEP COVE LYNN VALLEY CENTRE, NORTH VANCOUVER SUNDAY 8a.m. to Sp.