drs mae ome roe rae STEPS wiremrnee fete UE

Doug Collins

@ vet this straight ©

DEAR MUM:

DID YOU see your boy on the CBC’s Pacific Report the
other night, being ‘‘profiled?’’ Great stuff. It was good for
morale to see poor old Harry Has-Been Rankin claiming |
am now on the rocks, working for ‘‘that rag on the North
Shore.’’ He also said I was in line to become B.C.’s Dr.

SMC et OR TORY ee ANSE TREAT Met eG EEE eR pte a teem Ba

Goebbels. I'l! bet you didn’t know { was that good.

If you ask me, the program
wasn't at all bad. It had
‘‘balance’’, as they say in the
trade. In other words, as soon as
they had someone saying I was a
sonofabitch, they had me or a
friend (J have two friends) saying
something the oprosite.

“teaser’’ at the top of the pro-
gram, a ‘‘teaser’’ being a line
designed to keep people glued to
their sets all through the dull stuff
until I come on. This one asked,
complete ‘vith trumpets:

“Doug Collins! Is he the voice
of truth or a loud-mouthed

‘‘There was an interesting ‘teaser’ at the top of the
program, a ‘teaser’ being a line designed to keep
people glued to their sets all through the dull stuff

until I come on.
trumpets:

This one asked, complete with

‘Doug Collins! is he the voice of truth or a

‘| loud-mouthed fool?’”’

One thing I’m curious about,
though, is what that fem from
Media Watch said. She announc-
ed that something must have hap-
pened to poor little Doug when he
was a kid, to make him so nasty
now that he’s a big boy. Can you
think what it was?

I know I used to go ‘‘scrump-"
ing’’ occasionally. You know,

‘stealing apples from orchards.
‘And you always gave me heck

about it. I would end up in jail,
you used to say.
There was also the time I risked

1 falling down that old coal-mine

shaft. You.could have upset my
psyche, the way you carried on
about that. Apart from things of

‘that nature, though, I can’t think

what that girl had in mind. Let me
know if-you hit on anything.
There was an_ interesting

1

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fool?””

I waited to get the answer,
Mum, but it never came. Disap-
pointing. But not to worry. It’s
what is called a rhetorical ques-
tion, meaning ‘‘used for mere
style or effect.’’ Still, I always
give answers to the questions /
pose, and Pacfic Report should
do the same.

I really liked it, though, when
my old buddy ‘‘Don’’? Dunphy
came on, saying that if ever he
were in a tight corner, I’m the
guy he would like to have around.
Grey Eyes couldn't help crying
out, “Good for you, Fenton,”’
that being his real Christian name
(if we still have Christian names,
that is). Women are like that, you
know. I shushed her.

The truth, however, is that Fen-
ton has been in a tight corner lots

r’s

only

of times without my being the
slightest use to him. Like when
he’s been fixing my toilet tank on
the island. And there is no corner
tighter than that.

It’s a poor subject who can't
pick a few nits, however, so here
goes.

As you know, Mum, I[ was
never at Dieppe, which they said I
was. So | couldn't have been cap-
tured there, could I?

Truth to tell (and we must
always tell the truth, even if we
are called loudmouths for it) !
have never even seen Dieppe.
They meant Dunkirk. Oh well,
both places begin with ‘D’, and all
that was a long time ago.

What else can I bitch about?
Well, I am certainly a_right-
winger. But what’s all this about
me belonging to the extreme
right? As I see it, the extreme right
does not believe in democratic in-
stitutions. So piss off. (Not you,
Mum. |} mean the scriptwriter.)

I was glad they put the Zundel
bit in, for you will recall that }
testified for the defence at that
rotten trial.

When I saw Ernst Zundel on
the box, however, | thought they
were going to dab a swastika on
my innocent brow the next time I
popped up. Instead, they had me
saying that all the liberal scribes
like Allan Fotheringham and

Pierre Berton should have been on |

parade with me. For freedom of
speech. Which they weren’t. So

good for them. (Pacific Report, 1 |

mean.)

Good for them again for men-

tioning my magnificent book of
columns. Some people can’t get
enough of me, they said. Hence

the publication of The Best And {
Worst Of Doug Collins. But they f°

didn’t mention the price, which is

$16.95 at your friendly local book ‘{

store.

See you, Mum.

P.S. I am really curious about
what happened to me. Did the
dog bite me? Did I bite the dog?

3C00!
Sam-6pm

eeper

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Dust mill with
every purchase

9 - Friday, December 4, 1987 - North Shore News

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