Sunday, Decomber

26, 1993. North Share News

tle the digital demons of discourse

STRICTLY PERSONAL

THERE are moments when |

“am absolutely convinced that
I have answers to the world’s
problems. =

- = 'm’sure you know the'feeling.
, We all have answers to the world’s
problems, right? We wouldn't be
. human beings if we didn’t.
: But there are certain moments
"-when a new answer to the world’s
problems leaps unbidden into the .
middle of your mind, and you really
do know the solution. You have
seen it, You are the first to sec it.
It’s suddenly all so clear.
You could solve a major world
problem, just like ‘that.
»... All the world has to do is go
along with your.solution.
* And, alas. you know perfectly
well it won't. It wouldn’ tbe the
world if it did.
 T savor those moments of special
clarity. 1 know they won’t last.
~ [just know ll be having a dis-
cussion with somebody sometime
later, and [°]l mention my. solution
“to-a particular world problem and
‘they'H say, “Oh no, you’ re

absolutely wrong, and here are a

Dear Editor: ;
“LT would like to thank al] of those
who voted in the. North Vancouver
“District. municipal elections on
Nov. 20. .
‘Tam inost ‘ippreciative of ‘the
. voters who returned me
Office of the mayor and who pro-
vided such an enthusiastic new
»’ council to work with in meeting the
challenges of the next three years.
-Although the voter turnout was
lower than I-had hoped, the exten-
sive media coverage on the raunici-
pal clections ‘helped us 10. maintain
- a near normal turnout.

_ DRAPERIES BY &.

to the:

thousand solid reasons why.”

in the blissful interlude between
the moment of your origina!
thought leaping to mind about how
to solve a world problem aad the
time when you must finally shitre
this precious intellectual jewel with
somebody, you glow, Like a preg:
nant woman, you glow.

Here is The Answer. tocked ia
your head, being carried on behalf
of the whole human race, and
indeed, maybe the planet itself, and
it's up te you to be cool, Te not get
so excited you scare people away,
like same of those old guy's in torn

“Coats you sce On street carners naive

ing into the void.
Like the other day. | was in trat-
fic on my cell phone on hold, hav-

_ing been deposited in somebody's

voice mail by a series of taped mes-

. Sages, having been instructed to
- punch digital numbers to move to

the next stage of the operation, hav-
ing almost died several times under
the wheels of tractor-trailers while
attempting to poke a digital num-
ber, hold the cell, and drive, when,
the line. went dead.

I, of course, swore hideously.

You can perhaps empathize, But
get this! } had no sooner hung the

phone back on its rack on the dash

than it rang, and another computer
voice came on to tell me: “You did
not press number 4 on your touch-

‘tone phone,” And clicked off.

It phoned back to get the last
word in!
Just about then, it happened. A

wonderful, original idea leaped to
“mind about how to solve one of the »

world’s major problems.
Kill the automated switchboards,
Kill them all.“ oo
Stamp them under our feet.
Tear out their tapes.
“Put hammers to their circuits.
Snip their wires. .
Terminate their programs.
Pass federal, provincial and
municipal legislation outlawing

“their sale and use.

NVD door always open.

f was particularly pleased with’ -
the amount of coverage the North
Shore News provided to all. three

- municipalities enabling the. voters

to make a mere informed choice.

Ue should by easy to write,
Something like: “Notwithstanding
anything. the use of automated
switchhoards, voice uiail systems,
and answering machines is forth
with prohibited any way, shape
or form in Canada,

“Furthermore. it shall be dewsed
a punishable offence for anyore to
respond over at telephone to a taped
of automated of computerized com
munication,

“Taped solicitation over the tele.
phone shall result io a mandatory
three-year sentence withontt parole.”

We'd have to‘attack the problem
from both ends, cracking down on
abusers as well as dealers, the
underground economy as well as
the multinationals,

The goal should be to see the
complete elimination of all auto-
matic switchboards from Planet
Earth by-the year 2000, even if this
means deactivating billions of dol-
lars worth of computers in the
process,

Certainly, the software ‘that
makes the switchboards possible
will have to be burned; ‘unless there,
is some good eculogica! reason not
to, in which case they"H have to be
melted down, pelletized, and recy-
cled,

of the dangerous knowledge of how

1 look forward to an efficient« }

and productive municipal hall with:

‘a council and-staff-that can work

together to achieve the communi-:
ty’s goals. '
I would like to remind the resi-_

‘dents of the District of North

Vancouver that the door to this
mayor's office is always open.
Mayor J. Murray Dykeman
North Vancouver

LAU RSEN

_& SON

‘CUSTOM —
“DRAPERIES
-, AND
VALANCES

Labour $8.50 per

panel ua

ed,

$9.50 lined

CUSTOM BEDSPREADS & COVERS
. Low, low prices‘on blinds & tracks.
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Cail 987-2966 |
Serving thé North Shore for 23 years :

As for the people in possession | -/

to build such systems, whether the
hardware of software aspects, |
don't think there's much choice but
to exile them to seme uninhabited
Polynesian island well out of celle
lar range where they can send all
the messayes back and forth to cach
other's voice mail dat they wait
und! they die off one by one — on

hold.

Sorry, Pin sorry. That was a
completely uncalled-for outburst,

I's just that, fora moment, every
thing was so simple, Get rid of
recorded messages that tell you to
punch numbers, and we could all go
back to yelling and serewning at
each other directly, like j in the good
old days.

Has anybody looked inio the
death rate frond ulcers since auto- :
mated switchboards ‘came inte
widespread use? PE bet there's
story there. *

ou, oes eel
fain Hence

SUI eo ned a
lawyer. 6 pleading a9

rier