40 - Wednesday, February 15, 1989 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES MAKING THE DECISION Ia a a Q. I RAD sex twice with my boyfriend and it was great. I guess that shows I am well-adjusted sexually. But I am not well-adjusted io hiding my actions from my parents. I am {7 and live at home, and they are not terribly strict but they have never said, “Go ahead, dart- ing; do it."’ I fave to confess that worrying about when they find out has me frazzled. I figure they must find out some time. ask Dr. Ruth Dr. Ruth Westheimer Another thing: = sold my boyfriend that twice was great, it is something beiween us, but I don’t want @ pattern of regular sex until we can do it in security, both being in charge of our lives. Maybe mar- tied, maybe just grown up and in- dependent enough to face conse- quences. I was amazed at how avery he got, and all the rough things he said to me. Now every date turns info a fight about Doing it. What’s my way out of this? ‘A. Let me commend you on deciding to discontinue the sex- sharing: You are right — if you aren't ready to.be totally grown up, you aren't ready to share sex. | know that immature people do share sex, but that is obviously not what you want to do. As for your boyfriend, tell him a date is supposed to be fun, not fighting all the time. Make a deal. Every other date you have fun, never mentioning the subject of sex, and every other date you let him nag you for sex and you tell him no. If he doesn’t go for that, tell him OK, no arguing about sex at all. You might add that he disap- points you, because he shows more resnect for his own erections than he does for your serious concerns about life. Will he leave you over this? Maybe, but probably not. And it really is more important for you to be in control of your own life at this point. You are too young to give partial control to anyone beyond yourself and your parents. Just because he tries pressuring you into sex doesn’t mean he is a bad guy — just sexually frustrated and too young to know that sexual frustration won't kili him, won’t harm health or sexual ability, too young to know that sexual desire does not have to dictate behavior to a grown man. . Your parents. You have to know what you say to them if they ever confront you. with the subject of your sexual relations. Not every word, but the gist of it — for ex- ample, that you only did it with one boy when your feelings were ‘overwhelmed, then stopped out of prudence and good sense and have stuck to that although you still love the boy. Knowing what you FREE VOLVO CLINIC s Bring your Volvo in for a free 50 point B inspection during our February s Weekend Clinics. Call Robert or Greg fat 985-9181 to confirm a time. You'll i discover why Volvo owners are 1 switching fo the North Shore’s import f service leader. A tradition for 25 years. JAGUAR VOLVO SAAB MG TRIUMPH H 1S2S Welch St., Nortis Ven. SS5-9181 Parts: 995-0517 : can pe will say will bring some mental rest. If not troubled by a lot of obviouw; behavior from you (stay- ing away from home without lfet- ting them know, showing stceplessness, declining grades, signs of drinking or drugging}, | think that your parents probably never will demand a disclosure from you. You said that the first two times you had sex were enjoyable. That's good, but does nct mean that the next time will be. Consider it beginner’s fuck. You will have wonderful sex again, but most people do have ups and downs, glorious episodes followed by milder ones, or real mishaps, in their sex lives. You just may have less agrecable encounters with this boyfriend in the future: if you Ore have another man some time, the initial encounter may be disap- poinitng. At least you know that sharing sex can be wonderful. Q. have lived atone all my life, with one or two mild romances, one with an unsuccessful attempt to share sex. This probably sounds sadder than it was. I believe that I ducked 2 great deal of turmoil and fearned how to enjoy some real pleasures of this world that more invoived people have no time for. My question to you involves a man 1 foved many years ago, who wanted to join me in a platonic murriage, a union without sex, As things have turned out, I have to wonder if F should not have taken bim up on that funny offer. A. Yes, you do have to wonder about that. But also you have to erful use the good sense you show in your letter, and not wonder about it too fong at a time, and not use up good hours in vain regrets. Q. For a week FT have been thinking about pkoning an old flame I haven't seen in 30 years. She is probably stil! married. But who knows? I have her present phone number back in the old home town, having obtained it from the central public library in the town where I live now. But I know nothing else except I want to call ber. A. 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