Ill fares the Amiable Idiot

GRIPPED BY influenza,
aches and dark purple pres-
. entiments, the Amiable
Idiot turned to the obituary
column of the newspaper to
see if his name was there. It
never hurts to check.

Paul
t: Pierre

S PAULITICS & PERSPECTIVES

Nobody he knew was there, not
f even Saddam Hussein, but he read
all the notices anyway. The next
best thing to holding your breath

longer than anybody you know is —
m holding it longer than a bunch of

strangers can.
Suddenly he began giving off a
thin, high wail, like the first notes
on a bagpipe, and his wife, who
had been slaving over a hot stove,
/™ came to see what second calamity
a had been arranged for her.

The first had already arrived,

g the rubber valve on the pressure
cooker having popped, filling

m earth and sky with steam. Thus
her entrance out of the mists was
like that of Mephistopheles in
Faust, although without the
music.

She carried a heavy wooden

8 spoon in one hand with which to
srike out, something she often
id. .
. **What now?” she cried.

To be fair, the woman was not
without problems. The Amiable
idiot had been sloping around the
house for a solid week, a constant
reminder that she had married

@ him for better or worse but not
for. lunch.
__ What was worse, when the
Amiable Idiot took to a sick bed
she could never be sure if he was
bearing up under atrocious pain
and discomfort with a truly noble
stoicism or was just making a lot

RRSP Reform.

oA longe

Revenue Canada
Taxation

ee

rT. view

44...a constant reminder that
she had married him for
better or worse but not for
lunch. 99

of fuss about nothing.

“What now? That now.
Nothing less than that now.
Behold the obituary columns of
the Mop and Pail, Canada’s na-
tional newspaper ... you observe
they print it beside the comics so
the reader can Jaugh and cry
without having to turn pages ...
and half of the people listed here
are cheating.””

“Cheating how? Aren’t they
dead?"’

“They are dead, but they aren't
lying Gown the way they should.
There are 26 death notices today,
l have counted, and in 15 of the
26 the notices don't say how old

. the deceased was when he cashed

in his chips.’*

“What’s wrong about that?"’

“What is right about it? Who
knows now who outlives whom?
Whom knows whom outlives
who? Whom whoms?"*

“You have been taking too
much of that cough medicine with
the codeine. It’s affecting your
speech.”

The Amiabie Idiot spoke to her
more slowly, as the Bible urges us
to do with people of mean under-
standing. This always made her

angry, but. what could he do? The

Bible said to.

“Think of my sainted aunt. The
last sainted aunt J have. The only
reason she continues to subscribe
to the weekly Clarion-Bugle-
Observer is to read the obits.

“You forget the importance of
funerals. In town here, they're
something that ties up traffic. In
the country, they are social occa-
sions.

“What’s more important than
her social life is that the obits do
so much for her morale. Once a
week, Aunt Angelique learns she
has outlived somebody else.

“On good days it’s somebody
younger than she is and, who
knows, maybe it served them
right.””

For the 20th time the Amiable

Idiot told his wife the story about
bis old Highland ancestor who
drank a full glass of malt whisky
every morning before he went out
to tend the sheep.

She didn't enjoy it any more
than the 19th time, but the Amia-
ble Idiot insists that good stories
were like symphonies and operas,
the more you hear them the more
you find in them.

“*So he died tending the sheep
in the great blizzard of 1959, and
his sister, who was Wee Free Kirk
of Scotland, said ‘Ay, it was the
drink that carried him off,’ and
her husband said, rather wistfully,
‘Ay, but it took 88 years to do it.”

‘*Aunt Angie gets real comfort
from obit columns, but now that
the big papers have started cutting
birth dates out of the obit col-
umns, can the local weekly be far
behind?"

He went on to lament other
rents in the fabric of society.

What was going to happen to
the local Termination Society, an
informal group at the coffee shop
that had a pool bet each morning
on the average age of those in the
obituary columns.

In the high cause of getting
somebody else to pay for coffee,
they had proven that the oldest
people die in springtimes.

“*These are the verities of our
lives,” said the Amiable Idiot,
brought closer to the verities by
his hacking, coughing and general
feeling of utter dismay about
everything.

**When the country’s national
newspaper stops printing the dates
of deaths...”

**Oh do shut up and drink your
hot lemon?” she said.

But he kept keening.

**Prompt payment, hanging and
the lash, all the old values are go-
ing,’’ he cried.

She went back to the pressure

-cooker, which she repaired

herself.
2

The new pension reform legislation lets you see
even further ahead as you plan for your

retirement, since now you can spread your
annual RRSP contribution over several years.

If you don’t contribute your maximum amount

“a

~

to your RRSP for 1991, you can add the
difference to your contributions in the

next few years, For example, if your
1991 limit is $6,000, and you put
in $4,000, you can make an
additional $2,000 contribution

in 1992, 1993 or later, without
affecting your limit each year.
This flexibility lets you plan

for your retirement according to

your personal situation as it changes |
from year to year.

For your RRSP limit, check the Contribution
Limit Statement that you probably received
from us last fall, or call our T.ILP.S. RRSP
automated phone service, The number is listed
at the back of your tax guide.

Reveru Canada

Canada

Friday, February 21, 1992 - North Shore News - 9

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rine Ieicen

Na

Oude

For the past twenty years, North Shore artist,
Alec Ogioff has been quietly building an
international following.

From now until March 14, you have a rare
opportunity to see a retrospective of the past
ten years of Alec’s work.

Also (another rare opportunity) you can meet
Alec Ogloff, an important Canadian, visionary,
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Saturday, February 22, 11:00 am-2:00 pm

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~ ea

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986-2670

Hours: Wednesday through Sunday T1am to Spm