32 - Sunday, August 7, 1988 ~ North Shore News

DEAR MISS MANNERS — When
my wedding was planned, my dud
wanted the woman he lives wiih to
be in the lincup in the hall. My
mother didn’t, as she was the only
one not in the family, and Dad's
sister could have walked in with
him. I didn’t care much, but to
make my dad happy, [I let her,
even though Mom said if 1 did, |
would be picking her over my own
mother and it would be goodbye.

I thought she would forgive me,
as all mothers do and should. But
when I came heme from my
honeymoon, my mom's phone
number had been changed (o an
unlisted one. She did exactly as she
said. When she went to the hospi-
tal for a kidney operation, she did
not want me there. She is going
aguin and stilt doesn’t want me.
She said that after what I put her
through, she doesn’t want me to
cry over her when she dies.

i miss her and would like to
know what to do to correct this. I
want her to love me and be my
mother again, not an ex-mother.

manners
Judith Martin

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners is heartbroken to
recognize that what you have here
is a full-fledged family feud, and a

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nasty one at that. Etiquette has
strict rules about the civilized way
to conduct a feud (curtly observing
the formalities to the extent of
elaborately pretending not to see
the opposition, rather than com-
mitting an offensive move that
would necessarily involve others in
the fray), but only one tool for
ending them, and that doesn’t
always work,

The tool is the apology. Never
mind now that you didn’t think the
issue important at the time, or take
seriously your mother’s warnings.
Just keep writing her that you are
sorry, and that you love her and
miss her. Miss Manners dearly
hopes that your mother will even-
tually recognize how tragic it is for
both of you to be separated by a
decision that was based merely on
the desire for accommodation, not
on malicious intent, and that is, in
any case, irrevocably past.

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