4 — Sunday, December 24, 1995 —

North Shore News

A Collins collection
of quotes for 1995

IF YOU are reading the
paper today you deserve
some laughs. And you may
get a couple from the gems
quoted below.

Daddy, what's a stink society?
— Four-year-old granddaughter
Zoe; to her father, after hearing
the news on the Quebec mess.
Did ! tell you that someone put
five million dollars into my Swiss
bank account and I didn't know
anything about it? — North Van
District Counciller Ernie Crist;
in conversation with Yours Truly.
There were three of us in this
marriage and it was getting a bit
crowded, — , Princess of
Wales; in her TV interview.
Henry VIII would simply have
beheaded her. — Letter in thi
Sunday Telegraph about Lady Di.
eee
Ladies, look after your hus-
bands; the seducer Lady Di arrives
today! -— Headline in the
Argentine newspaper Cronica.
eee
Iam not a philanderer. lam a
seducer. — President Carlos
Menos of Argentina; after his
wife accused him of being a
cheat, a liar, a wife-beater and a
serfal adulterer. He was promptly
re-elected. ;
eee
At NATO exercises, the
Americans bring the troops, the
Germans bring the tanks, and the
French bring the jets. The
Canadians bring the doughnuts.—
Report in the Guam newspaper
Pacific Daily News.

eee
They should bloody well do it in
their own back yard, under the
Eiffel Tower, They haven't won a
war in their bloody history, just
relied on everyone else. I'll never
buy anything French again. Never.
My wife's French. I don’t even talk
to her now. — New Zealander
Neville Carter, who seemed to be
a bit upset about the atomic tests
im the Pacific.
eee
ds there any intelligent life out
there? Or even here? Send $10 for
an official redneck certificate. —
The Alberta Flat Earth Society.
eee
A gaffe is when a politician tells
the truth.--- Sunday Telegraph edi-

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“Offer ends |,
Dec. 31/95 ~

Dou
Coliins __

on the

other hand

tor Dominic Lawsen.

1 cannot wait much longer for
the stirring sight of Brigite Bardot
kissing frozen turbot babies in St.
John’s Harbour. — Konrad Kinzl
of Ontario, in letter to the editor.

eee

How many pups coidd a sealer
pluck if a sealer could pluck pups?
— Question in Globe & Mail edi-
torial.

eee

The Spanish ship, no doubt
reeking of garlic, could be in the
vicinity [of Newfoundland] for one
reason only: thieving. The contest
was a fight between Canada and
some slimy brigands.— Times of
London columnist Bernard
Levin.

eee

The facility to expel unwanted
gas from the gut, either upwards or
downwards, is essential for human
happiness. — British doctor
James Le Fanu, in a newspaper
article,

Hell hath no fury like a draft-
dodger with his own army and
navy, — Comedian Mark Russell;
on Biil Clinton’s decision to send
troops to Bosnia.

eee

J wish to cancel at no extra
charge because through no fault of
my own I have fallen pregnant. —
English woman to travel agency.

eee

When caught in a scandal, cre-
ate a park. This has led to the cre-
ation of many parks. — Columnist
Robert Mason Lee, in the Globe
& Mail; on the NDP.

ees

The prime minister is a constitu-
tional Rip Van Winkle who went to
sleep during one of Trudeau's con-
ferences and just woke up. —
Reform party leader Preston
Manning.

eaee

If government spending could
create jobs, every Canadian would
have three by now.— Manning
again.

eee

And here's one from history and
the glorious days before human
rights cornmissions put a cramp on
freedom of speech:

You are a pig, an ass, a
dunghill, the spawn of an adder, a
basilisk, a lying buffoon dressed in
aking's robes, a mad fool with a
frothy mouth and a whorish face —
you lie, you stupid and sacrilegious
king. — Martin Luther to Henry
Vill.

And a Happy Christmas to all
enemies of a free press, whose
number is legion.

Safety tips offered

THE B.C.-YUKON division
of the Canadian Red Cross
Society reminds parents, care-
givers and children to pay
extra attention to safety and
help reduce the risks of injury
during the winter school
break:

& wearing reflective materials
make you more visible in the dark-
ness of the late afternoon and
evening. Rain makes it difficult for
drivers to see pedestrians;

Free Motorola
Flip Phone

@ mails and other shopping areas
are extremely crowded this time of
year. Keep close track of children;
B@ children should be dressed
appropriately for the weather. If
cold, layer clothing and wear a hat
and scarf to prevent heat loss;
® candy and chocolate are dis-
played in abundance and are tempt-
ing, but can encourage hyperactivi-
a or crankiness.

ensure that children are provided
with enough vegetables and other
non-rich foods to maintain « bal-
anced diet.

. , br Free Nokia
my Pocket Phone.

With BC Tel Mobility’s

Freedom Plan the choice is yours.

All for just $35.95 a month.
Offer ends December 31, 1995.

North Shore Cellular
1234 Marine Drive
North Vancouver
984-7017

This plan is based on a 36 month transterable contract O.A.C. Regular rates of 65¢ a minute apply during non-free periods.
Early cancellation iugs apply. Long distance charges and taxes are extra. New activations only.

Call
DEREK A. CAVE

Trial Lawyer
Get the settlement
you deserve.

: 508, Kapilano 100 Building 925-7880

100 Park Royal, West Van.

4
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