MISS MANNERS - DEAR ' MISS MANNERS — I’ve’ started to become irritated ‘with'-a friend I have known since high school, because of his response (o specific’ acts of niceness on my part. Kf I buy him (or invite him to) dinner, he will invariably conclude the evening by saying something Bike ‘Thanks, I owe you a din- ner... . “When we went to a film festival together and his wife asked how much they owed for the tickets I . had bought, 1. answered. that it was my treat. - My friend’s response | was “Thanks, then I will buy you a coffee.” ’ : How can I convey that these -responses make -me feel. that my acis of generosity or hospitality are seen as transactions? 1 fee! like always paying sepa-. ‘rately from now.en, but even that “would not prevent his .making such comments after dinner at my house. 2 '..’ GENTLE READER _ "Mise Manners: is: somewhat . comforted to know that your old friend is aware that he. must’ reciprocate “your hospitality, however crudely he expresses it.” It can by. no means be taken for - ‘granted nowadays that guests un- --derstand their obligations. ‘’ '-Miss::Manners wonders. if he - also understands that announcing his intention to offer -you -hospi- tality is not the same as doing it. _. Presumably he got you that’ cup * Of coffee, but does. he give. you dinner and other treats, or does he ‘just talk about it? . - sympathetic LI arks no substitute for than In any case, the way to stop him is to act as if the unfortunate remarks were not a substitute for thanks, which is what he intends them to be, but the opening of a conversation. — Say in a moderately hurt tone, “Oh, J hope that if you invite me, it's because you want to see me, not because you feel you owe me and have to.’ A couple of those should stop him. DEAR MISS MANNERS — [ was brought up to believe that a church wedding held ut the street-corner -church was public, but that a rented chapel on private groumcds was that — private. When my second wife and I chese to be married in & private chapel, we sent out 300 ijnvita- tions, and 253 people showed up on a very rainy and cold Saturday afternoon. . dust as the wedding was getting under way, my ex-wife walked in. She had not been invited. Could I have had her thrown out by the ushers? Or would I have had to call the police? ‘The wedding .coordinator said that she couldn’t care less whether my. ex was there, and that the wedding must go on and not stop‘ for such a small thing as that. What can one do to prevent this kind of. thing? I'd hate to see anyone else treated as we were. . How can. one have the guts to do this, or be so stupid? GENTLE READER — You tell Miss Manners how anyone can be as stupid as that; you were mar- tied to this person. Yet Miss Manners jis not as un- to your and your - bride’s position as is your wedding coordinator. Easy for her to say it’s no small matter - have. your wedding blighted by the ghost, of weddings past. ; . But the coordinator is right ‘ about not stopping the wedding in order to ejected. ; No doubt, disruption was what the crasher had in mind, and you were far. better off ignoring her intrusion until such time as an have your ex-wife ‘usher could be discreetly sum- moned to ask her to leave, or sev- _ eral ushers could quietly hustle her off. ‘ (Police of! ficers do not routinely act as party bouncers unless vio- lence. is threatened, and even if they did, it would not add to the romantic ‘atmosphere of your wedding.) ~ Collirigwood School Country Fair - Saturday, April 24th 1 993 10 a.m. - - 3 p.m. Country Kitchen © Baking © Symphony Cafe International Food Fair @ Burgers ‘n Dogs : Nachos © Do-nuts © Coffee & Pop Treasure Chest © New to You © Toys & Games County Crafts © Silent Auction @ New book Sale Midway © Entertainment © Raffle © Candy store Plant & Garden Shop © Bottle Stall councwo See Manse Olde English Pub Fun Galore & Much Much More 70 Morven Drive ‘West Vancouver 925-3331 Entrance Fee $1.00 Kids under 16 free anal, Free bus service from Seniors Home 2and Anyone else with an inkling that such a thing might happen would be well advised to post: someone who knows the intruder at the chapel door to bar entrance. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My eight-vear-old fas sensory in- tegration dysfunction, a neurological disorder which does not atlow the senses to interpret stimuli correetiy. Thus bis behavior often seems odd, When he is taken to a family restaurant, he looks as if he is be- ing spoiled, because I do not force him to cat food that is undesirable Ragfinder's North Vancouver ™ store has moved toanexciting new @ And we're celebrating New LOcaTION: -until April 30! By offering you some of the lowest prices ever on our fabulous new line of drapery and upholstery fabrics in both stores. You'll find more space. to him, Using utensils is yood for him, but the way he handles them leaves much to be desired. We leave when 1 can tell he has reached his limit. { cannot count the number of times that well-meaning people have given me suggestions about his behavior. Waitresses have told him, “You're a big boy now — cat with a Sork, not a spoon” or “FE would never tolerate those table mnanners from a child of mine,”” I wever answer, because Tam enraged, Please remind your readers that not all handicaps are visible. oO His plight) causes me great heartache, and these comments cause me much grief, GENTLE READER — While Miss Manners is happy to pass on that reminder, she refuses to at- tribute these people's error only to a lack of medical knowledge. If they were net also ignorant of manners, they would be aware of how rade it is to monitor and correct other people's children’s behavior. More notions. More trims. More tassles. More displays. Even more parking. And, of ‘course, more selection of decorative fabrics for location. N. 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