Paul
St. Pierre

Te
Ri

PAULITICS & PERSPECTIVES

Now that Whippet, Wild Bird and
Croquet Day has passed in Fort
Langley, we find time ta read the
mail which has been piling up,
Among the older pieces which first
come to hand;

DEAR PAUL,

Flew into an untypical rage
the other day and, knowing
you to be a sensitive critic in
the Theatre of the Absurd,
Pil share it with you and any
other Canadians who mis-
takenly think things are bet-
ter in the United States.

I did my income taxes on the
computer, which spits out an clee-
tronically readable form in two con-
densed pages.

This does me no good whatever
but it reduces costs to our Internal
Revenue Service, so | am using a
few thousand dollars worth of
equipment to do my government a
favor.

The only tiny advantage that
accrues to me is that it saves mea
few cents postage once uo yeur.

I put my two pages in an enve-
lope along with a $14,000 cheque to
pay for all those government scr-
vices thut we so love and enjoy.

I tock it to the post office
counter and asked for a 29-cent
stamp. .

“It’s too fat,” said the postal
man.

“What do you mean, too fat’?
What does it weigh?”

“It’s light enough, but look, it
won't fit through the siot.”

In fact, it fit through fine. The
envelope had a slight twist in itso
the diagonal corners brushed the
stot on the way through.

“This is ridiculous,” | said,
“There are only two sheets of paper

in that envelope and a cheque to
pay your salary.”
“Well. it's puffy. It's got air in

it

“Pulfy? Do tT have to start iron-
ing my mail? Give it to me.”

[ pulled the envelope over the
edge of the counter a few times. It
was as thin as an envelope contain-
ing two pages and one cheque can
be. But there was still a slight warp
init.

“Nope,” he said. “H touches the
stot, It’s 39 cents.”

I swear to God, there was to
way J was going to pay 39 cents to
send $14,000 to a government that
pays for this kind of idiocy.

“Give me a 29-cent stamp,” !
said.

Licked it, put it on, went outside
and laid the envelope face up under
the rear tire of my old three-quarter
ton truck.

I drove back and forth over it
iwice so there was a nice big
Firestone tread on front. Then [
took it back and told him to try the
goddam slot again.

He dida't even try. He had regu-
lations on his side, but T had the
other customers in the post office
on my side.

Gary
eee
Dear Paul:

Ina recent column you answered
the question about how to measure
astack of loose hay. J thought
you'd be interested in this final
word on such calculations. {found
this pamphiet in a used book store.
Lance Brown
Ministry of Agriculture
Kamloops

The column to which he refers
Visted an old Canadian Cattleman’s
Association formula for measuring
the tonnage of stacks put up loose
in the old system of thay storage,
now long abandoned.

IUseemed to be the mast compti-
cated process in the entire stock-
raising industry, However, it wasn't
the final wend, as Mr. Brawn dis-
covered.

in 1931, responding to popular
demand, the U.S. Department of

Agriculture issued four full pages of

closely reasoned statistics about
loose hay measurements.

It was found that the U.S. Army
Quartermasters formula erted by
25% fess and 30% over and that the
Freye-Bruhn rule was wrong by an
average of 14%,

Several new formulas were
issued, all intricate.

This is just one example:

“A round stack, 100 feet in cir-
cuniference. should be calculated as
follows: (0.04 x 60) minus (0.012 x

North Van City to upgrade
Victoria Park over 5 years

A COMPREHENSIVE en-
hancement to Lonsdale’s
Victoria Park was proposed by
the City of North Vancouver
parks and recreation commit-
tee at a meeting on June 27.

.NORTH VANCOUVER
CITY COUNCIL
By Bruce Methven

Costs to enhance the park were
broken down into five phases, with
a total over five years of between
$1.16 and $1.5 million.

Park planner Leesa Strimbicki
and Jandscape architects Philips
Wuori Long Inc. presented a plan
to improve the park while main-
taining its essential character.

They pointed out that 108 of
175 trees in the park are heritage
itees planted around $911 and
therefore will requir special care

and management in the years to
come.

In addition, despite the 10-acre
(4 hectare) size of the park, there is
little of interest to encourage peo-
ple to use its grounds.

Park amenities like benches,
pathways and lighting reuuire
upgrading in order to make
Victoria Park more attractive, they
said.

Portals would be built at the
Lonsdale entrances to the park and
improved pathways would lead to a
different focal point on each side
of the park.

On the west side, a “celebration
circle” was proposed to “acknowl.
edge the multicultural make-up of
the city.” This venue was suggest
ed for art shows, children’s parades
and Christmas carolling, for exam-

-ple. On the east side. the cenotaph

would be the basis for a “com-
memorative” theme. Plaques, path-
ways, lawns and floral plantings
would maintain the motif.

re

100) x (100 squared).”*

This formula provides the num-
ber of cubic feet ina round stack,
Tonnage is another matter. It varies
with hay types. New cut alfalfa is
485 cubic feet to the ton and wild
hay 600 cubic feet.

Go figure.

No, don’t. It doesn‘t matter,
There are no loose haystacks any
more,

The purpose of carrying this

dhessage to the public, not once but

twice, the second time amended, is
to give people something better to
read than politically correet articles,
for instance the prominent
Vancouver San story about the
black man who, like everybody else
in the world, couldn't get a free

SEPARATE ADMISSION FEATURES
RENAISSANCE MAN
6:50 em
THE HAWK
9.05

Public Hearing on

Friday, July 1, 1994 - North Shore News - 9

U.S. post office’s theatre of the absurd

press pass to a conference and
wanted something done for him.
For people possessed of com-
mon sense, to whom this column is
addressed, reading politically cor-
rect stuff raises the blood pressure,
depresses the central cortex of the

SEPARATE ADMISSION FEATURES

LITTLE BUDDHA
7.00 pro

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
9:10 pm

ay

What’s happening in your District

¢ Zoning Bylaw Amendment

brain and causes flatulence.

Reading totally useless informa-
tion about loose hay stacks or
buggy whip manufacturing rests
and soothes the spirit of man in this
age of too many needless aggrava-
tions.

00 Incoming framing

order min. $30

SEPARATE ADMISSION FEATURES |
FOUR WEODINGS AND A FUNERAL

BEVERLY HILLS COP Ili
9:15 pm

CAPILANO COLLEGE

A Public Hearing is scheduled to provide an opportunity for Council to hear from
those who believe their interest in property may be affected by changes to this

bylaw, as outlined below.

Tuesday, July 12, 1994
7:00 p.m.

Council Chamber of Municipal Hall, 355 West Queens Road,

Date:
Time:

Location:

North Vancouver, B.C.

BYLAW 6672 “Rezoning Bylaw 1002”

Applicant:
Subject Land:

Capilano College
Block E, District Lots 612, 614, 620

(2055 Purcell Way)

Proposed
Amendment:

To amend the text of the Public Assembly Zone relating to the

size and shape of the buildings on the College campus
and to amend the siting area plan for the College
regarding building location. °

Purpose:

Master Plan.
All persons who believe their interest in property may be affected by the above
proposal vo! be °° orded an opportunity to be heard in person and/or by written
“sions will be accepted up to the conclusion of the

submissi Written sil

Public Hes
Act.

To facilitate the ongoing implementation of the College's

ww. This Public Hearing is held under the provisions of the Municipal

Copies of the bylaw, resolutions, supporting staff reports and any relevant
background material are available for review at the District of North Vancouver.

4 Legislative Services Department or Planning Department
Municipal Hall, 355 West Queens Road

Monday through Friday, except Statutory Holidays, July 4, 1994 to July 12, 1994,

inclusive, between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m.

July 1, 1994

Agnes S. Hilsen

Deputy Municipal Clerk