62 —- Wednesday, Nov. 25, 1992 ~ North Shore News Helpful friend crosses border into intrusiveness Judith Martin MISS MANNERS DEAR MISS MANNERS — [leave dishes in my sink for days ata time. 1 know — J should be banished from civilized society, especially since fam about to add that £ left dishes in my sink and 1 invited a friend over. While 1 was upstairs, my friend decided to do me a favor and wash the dishes. it's not that I didn’t appreciate the help. At the time, [ thanked him and felt relieved of an onerous task. ft wasn't until later that J made the discovery that his idea of clean is the same as mine — only 25% less. He put dirty dishes buck in the cupbeard. Last night he did it again. 1! thought it would be wrong to crit- icize an act performed as a gift, so I just told him I preferred him not to do it at afl, without explaining why. Now his feelings are hurt. He thinks I'm being inexplicathiy rigid and seems to be wondering what kind of psycho wife IF might turn out to be. GENTLE READER — Now just a minute here; please slow down and tet Miss Manners figure out what you are actually saying. This is not just a friend, is it? By mentioning your concern with his opinion of you as a wife, you do piant that little thought that you might be considering him as a husband. In any case, he is eager to help around the house. Specifically, he has been cager to perforin a task you hate and avoid to the point of preferring — Miss Manners is on- fv echoing your own judgment — a degree of sloventiness. But this gentieman does not wash dishes to your satisfaction. Miss Manners has a hard time figuring out how his standards could be 25% lower than yours, since you don't wash them at all, but so be it. Now — your solution to all this is that he should be discouraged from washing your dishes. Are you mad? If he were a casual acquain- tance, cerlainily he should be discouraged. One could say that his helpfulness crosse’ the border of inteusiveness, sinre he decided to clean up fram 4 meal he did not share. But do you really think you must persuade a possible husband not to do any housework because he doesn’t do it to the satisfaction of a possible wife who doesn’t want to do it cither? Why don't you exert yourself, instead, in making the task easier for him? If you must leave your dishes in the sini, leave them soaking in soapy water. Not only will uhis suggest to him that you arc at Jeast trying, but the dishes will be easier for him to clean satisfactorily. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My niece, wno recently turned 16, has had very little contact with her father. Hier parents divorced when she was two years old, and she lives with her mother, stepfather and sister. For her birthday, her father sers fer the engagement and wed- ding rings that had been her mother’s during her first mar- Fiage. He put them on an inex- pensive chain. This gift has caused consider- able comment in my sister's home. The rings are a reminder of a very unhappy period in her life. My niece feels caught in the middie. I suggested that the rings be sold and the money used to buy an appropriate piece of jewelry for a 16-year-old girl. My husband feefs this would just he compoun- Deeiers Antiques A store unlike any other i he Ultimate Shopping Experience Just in time for Christmas our new Shipment has arrived offering you a ; magical array of inspiring gifts, to fulfill your Christmas shopping list , PARK ROYAL NORTH 922-6818 922-0215 ding the initiat zrdeness. GENTLE READER — Miss Manners acksowledges that a fa- ther who has hardly had any con- tact with bic 16-year-old daughter is prodabh not a model of sensi- tivity, But it is possible that a feeling ‘hat the rings properly belonec to that side of the fami- ly, rather than to him, could have motivated him. In any case, once a present is made, the recipient can do as she likes with it. It is hardly likely that a 16-year-old girl will have pleasure from wearing a set of wedding rings around her neck on a chain, quite aside from her mother’s reaction to them. Yet seHing them seems rather harsh. «As much as the mother may regret that marriage, the daughter cannot entircly do so, as she owes her existence to it. Perhaps you would be kind enough to help her go to a jeweler to have the materials reset into a ring of her very own. IF YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO} GET BETTER GRADES, DO YOUR HOMEWORK Discover hew Sylvan Learning Cente can give your child the educational edge that makes a difference. tn our stress-free, j positive envionment, children become excited about leaning. You can see it on their faces — and on their report cards. 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