aS 8”

32 - Sunday, August 6, 1989 -

North Shove News

‘LIFESTYLES

Express regret when
declining invitations

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
Our problem is how to get
out of accepting an invita-
tion for a special occasion
when. the event is out of
town at = summer residence.
We know quite a few people
who own summer cottages, and if
an anniversary or birthday comes
up, arrangements are made to have
& party there rather than in town.
We also have a sommer residence,

- which we use once in a while, but

we now enjoy spending more time
athe +e.

Is at improper to refuse an in-
vitation on the grounds thai we do
not wish to travel? We would en-

_ Joy attending if it weren’t made so
inconvenient. We have found that
there is usually not enough room
to put up all the people overnight,
and we have kad to pay the extra
expense of a hotel room.

. Shoald people not arrange these
occasions at the cenvenience of
‘their guests rather than because of
.their own desire to be at their
summer . residence and still cele-
brate these occasions?

GENTLE READER — Miss

Mauners is happy to oblige you,.

but ske requests, in return, that
you withdraw. that ungracious
sideswipe at people whose only

. ‘crime is to invite you to share a. j
‘special occasion at their vacation

house.

You make it sound as if they
have been sitting around saying:
“Iv’s too much bother to get
ourselves out of here — why don’t
we nmiake the guests undertake the
effort of traveling? They’ve got

 . nothing better to do, anyway.”’

What - they, are more likely to

have been thinking is : ‘‘Wouldn’t. .

it be fun to have everyone up here?
They're stuck in town, in all that

~ heat, when they could be enjoying

‘themselves..up here. with us.
Besides, ‘that way we could see
them for the weekend, instead. of
just a few hours.” -

- Those who do. not agree need
only decline the invitations, Being
out of town is-a ‘standard excuse

for not attending events-in your -

hometown, and the | reverse works,
too.

One does not, however, make
announcements about not wishing
to travel, as if it were aa imposi-
tion. Being ‘unable to leave
town”? is the softer way of putting
it. Even ‘‘I’m sorry, but we'll be at
our summer place then’’ will do.
‘Just remember that declining in-

vitations always calls for express- -

ing regret rather than venting
peevishness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS — I
am the coordinator of a society for
single people. Recently we held a
dinner party at a local restaurant.
Six women and one man attended.

After the completion of the
meal, the gentleman requested the
cheque from the waiter and took
the liberty of paying the entire bill.

All the ladies, including me,
were aghast. None of us knew how
to handle the situation or what the
right thing wes. As he was seated
close ¢o me, I did request that all
of us pay our ‘air share. But he in-
sisted that it was his trea, because
he usually dines alone and he
greatly enjoyed the meal and the
pleasure of our company.

For the next week, I was plagued
by phone calis from all the “ies.
They said it was up te me to settle
the matter by insisting that we all
take our portion of the cheque.

Althougk I would have felt more
comfortable paying for my own
meal or taking care of the tip or at
least paying for my own cocktails,
I think that to insist to the point of
being rude would rot have been
right.

I did make a suggestion to the
other women that in order to

miss
manners
Judith Martin

SEL
reciprocate, we might plan to bave
a covered-dish supper and invite
him; or, if they felt at ease,
perhaps they could take turns in
inviting him to dinner. :

So that a similar incident does

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not occur in the future, 1 would
appreciate Miss Manners advising
me of the correct procedure.

GENTLE READER — There
seems to be a bit of hysteria here.
One munificent gesture, directed
toward six ladies at once, does not
create an unbearable social debt.
By suggesting that the ladies cook
for him, or invite him out individ-
ually, you are confirming that they
are heavily obligated.

Miss Manners understands that
you and the others do not want to
change the rules of the group so
that anyone else would be obliged
to duplicate this generosity. But
surely you could keep inviting this
nice gentleman back, with the
good-natured understanding that
he would be the group's guest.

On second thought, perhaps
Miss Manners didn't quite grasp
everything. This-is, after ail, a
singles group. If any of the ladies
wishes to take it upon herself to
inviie this gentleman cut as a
gesture of reciprocation for the
group, she needn’t be discouraged.

RALPH HUBER

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