4

C8-Wednesday, March 26, 1980 - North Shore News

ask hayden stewart

. Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261 6242
<1 forappointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new

office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the
convenience of North Shore residents.

Does it take a saint?

QUESTION: It seems to me
everyhody ought to be able
to handle the ordinary com-
-mon disappointments that
come to all of us on occa-
sion. I think I do pretty well
at that -sort -of thing.. But
three or four times I've had a
lot of things go wrong all in a
period of_a few days. That
throws me. One at a
time I. handle them pretty
well, but the pile-ups get me
in no uncertain ak
Thursday | ‘boyfriend
was transferred to New
Friday I had a car
accident that will really cost
me, Sunday: morning 1 found
my beautiful’cat, dead on
the verandah and Sunday
night I lost my wallet. That
was more than enough, but
Monday morning: my boss
told me he was going to have
to lay off some people, and,
of course, I was one of them.
J almost fell apart.

It’s almost a. week ‘since

the last. had thing happened
and I'm still in a blue fank.
Does it take « saint to handle

a series of blows Hike that?

Vm no saint and Fm afraid
Tl just never get ‘back to
normal. How. does a person
get back on top when itlooks
like the bottom has ‘fallen
out of everything? _

STEWART: ‘Admit: to begin

with, that if you were not

bd

upset by that nasty combina-
tion of baddies, there would
be something wrong with
you. It's OK for you to be
upset. Then allow yourself to
be very truthful about all
your feelings. I imagine yon
are angry, sad, lonely, blue,
and probably you are scared
about losing your job. What
else? Be willing to recognize
your feelings and give them
their right names.

Then admit to yourself
that those feelings of yours
are a part of your present
reality and you'll have to
live with them. Don’t pre-
tend that all is well with you.
Accept your reality as being
your reality. Accept yourself
exactly as you are, not as
you wish you were. When

That’s not the way

QUESTION: I have fooled
around with diets and
exercises for years, trying to
improve the health and the
“shape” of my hody.
Recently, [ve found the
gumption and the good sense
to.try fasting. I just KNOW it
is: the ‘best way, but I am
finding it very hard to do. I
have all sorts of unpleasant
‘experiences and at times am
quite weak and sick. How do
A develop. cnough will-power

. to stick with it?

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you do that, you put yourself
in a much better position to
make new choices and get

on with living in the here and -
now. And there’s an addi-

tional value in accepting

yourself exactly as you are_

right now. As you do that
you are better able to
recognize when it is time for
you to make some NEW
CHOICES. That is, you will

know when the time has.

come for you to give yourself
permission to let go of your
anger and your sadness,
loneliness, depression and
fears.

boyfriend and I first:started

teenager, letting his gang
know that he was the boss. It
was sort of cute in a way and
I let him’ get away with it
because I really thought he
was neat. That was when we
were both 18. Now a year
and a half-later J still like
him, but it turns out that he
is continuing to be a big shot

and treat me like I don't

have a brain in my head and
that he -has to make all the
decisions, When I say

There's so much to’ say)

about your question. I've’

given you a starting place.
Try it out. See where you go.

STEWART: What you need 4

is enough will-power to quit
it! It is a dangerous thing to
do on your own. Your goal is
to “improve the health and
‘shape’ of your body”. Now
don’t make the mistake of
getting all hung up in the
technique and forgetting the
goal! Quit your amateur
procedures and get good
professional help. (I would
be happy to give you the
names of two or three
doctors you could bank on).

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pulled a’ boner. ‘When my.

going together, he was pretty.
bossy, but I thought he was.
just being a typical macho |

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rm scared £1 don't get him
to see I don’t like him being
bossy, then after we live
together I'll have less chance
than ever. Don’t you agree? I
started off by saying I was
afraid I'd pulled a boner.
The boner I meant was in
letting him get away with it
even when we first got going
together. That's: when I
should have let him know
that I wasn't going to stand
still for all that staff.-Fm-not..

a namby pamby sort of cling-

ing vine. I think I'm just as
smart as he is. So what

should I do?

STEWART: It seems to me
your best approach would be
the same one you made to
me in your letter. Let him
know why you acted so cl-
ingy in the first place and
that you really have some
will power and a mind of
your own and that you are
not about to knuckle under
to him. He'll have a better
lady if you are your real self
rather than continuing to put
on the act. He wouldn't want
a wishy-washy girlfriend for
very long,-so let him know
that tag doesn’t fit you at all.

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VANCOUVER

88

736 4565
736 0538

NORTH VANCOUVER

9B0 4433