“38. Wednesday, May 18, 1998 — North Shore New

LIFESTYLES

LEARN TO GIVE AND TAKE
on't give up on your husband

when lovemakin

Q.1 THINK I have become frigid over the seven years of
my marriage because I have learned, over those years, that
sex is only mildly pleasurable at best.

Oves the past sevea years I have

forgottea. how to Jebricate in the —

process of having sex — disturbd-
fag, because Just the anticipation
of it used to make me excited, I

think I have lost something:

precious that i may never regain.
i know I wasa’t born this way.
Once 1) had .a very. callstying

| OFgasaa ‘without evea taking my <=

‘ dotkes off.:

observe your own situation so well
and describe it so clearly, then you
will listen to a new view of it and

: take some advice.

ae cad n geod lover? He.

“would ‘say: that’ fe" bee tried. He

”. would say that be has bees patient,

bas tanght meto ase a vibretor,
as taken £ long time arousing me,
lozg ss 20 miastes of straking.

* this; 2-heven't’ responded. I feel
ike 2 Pavsozia: og tant hes bees

de-cosditioned “and ‘so longer
salivetes . ", ings about

women : spoil: their sex. dy: letting ©

‘their minds drift_off to the shopp-
a! ing | list: or. the situation at the of-

"tf .’; personality to fit a general mold.”

puse him is:

tag foreplsy und eex,-00d tongee- |
‘Kissing is vomething else be avoids -

of

Pac)

: Overall, I think‘ You are spoiling
; “present pleazures with dire i imagin-
Some

the. future.

‘there can. 1 be’ no restorative Micon,
‘ talking. listening, enjoyment of life
and no good sex
ind worry about ‘the

TL listen to.details of married

life:-and. of ‘sexual. behavior .and.
‘have ‘2: little.” expertise, not ‘that I-

know. everything — your husband
sounds like many lovable and liy-

able husbands even if he cannot
solve a problem that happens to be
yours,

He'can be tender, you concede,
‘but won't always turn that: on ‘just
_ when you necd it, Lots of nice’ men

become impatient and bored trying
.to help a wife who in the end sim-

ply has to help herself.

Dr. Ruth

~ Ruth Westheimer

. 1 am not blaming you. This is

something. one has to learn. You.

must give. special attention to the
little ways. this advice can be ap-
plied.in’your own case. It is. never

_- So, ket me repeat: Learn to enjoy
the. moment when ‘it comes, and

‘ don’t let repetitive bad ideas about |
your ‘situation overshadow the nice.

things i in it.

> °T Bave some down- to-earth sug

s_- gestions for;you, and I think they

* will be: useful. First, never engage -
tn sexual intercourse without using ~
a- lubricant such as K-Y Jelly.
When a woman has difficulty ©
lubricating, this simple precaution .

_removes a serious barrier to shar-

ing sex. You may recover.the abili-

_ the lubricant.

a business of giving up one's own..

ty'to lubricate, Gut meanwhile use
This will remove
both a physical and mental dif-
ficulty about sharing sex.

It seers that each is ‘resisting the
other over minor things like strok-
ing speed and whispering words in
ears. The idea of give and take is
often replaced by getting-even re-
fusals like this.
would try to get you to make little
deals with cach other in a loving
way. Nobody has to act out every
fantasy of the other partner, but
ways of pleasing can de found, and

rigid refusals can meit away in the -

warmth of reconciliation.
There is a way of enjoying sex

with a partner when both of you”

have developed preferences that
seem irreconcilable. Take turns
pleasing each other. Let one time
be all for you, the next time all for
him. I am ‘not suggesting that
either do things the other finds
deeply offensive — but find pleas-

ant ways for each to: please the”.

other, and take turns.: Then the
pressure is off. about producing a

superb sexual- encounter equally”
7 pleasing to both. There is pleasure -

in’ pleasing: as’. well- asin. being

pleased, and taking turns :is a nice

way of avoiding frustration:

:Don't give up on finding mutual:
pleasures; just don't demand therm:
every tinoc. Get a copy of The Joy ;

of. Sex’ oy: Dr. Alex Comfort’

(Pocket Books) and see if you.can’
‘find in
_Manoruvre that. is pleasing to both ;

there ~a--: position. or

of you.

And don't urge ‘him to “wehisper :
‘in your ear. Some people, men.and :

A sex therapist ~

loses its lustre

on sensations. Words spoil it for
them. They don't want breath in
their ear, or the pressure of having
to talk. :

There may. be obstructions be-
tween you two that can. be resolved
with a few sessions with a sex”
therapist. This is not a lifelong
commitment, like some kinds of
talk therapy. A few sessions are
probably all that are needed.

Find ways to enjoy present mo-
ments with this man who can be
tender, avoid asking him too many
questions,“ and stop worrying
about a distant future. ~

For other ideas on helping your
sexual activities, | have written a
pamphlet calcd How to improve
Your Sex: Life: To obtain a copy,
send $1. and a self-addressed,.
stamped, iegal-size envelope to Dr.
Ruth/How to Improve .Your Sex
Life, P.O. Box 19709, . Tyvine, .
Calif. 92713-9709. . -

women both, ‘need, to, concentrate’. |

"MEN'S
(black, bone)