rth Shore News

‘Inconsiderate’ friends spoil wedding memories

Judith

MISS MANNERS

DEAR MISS MANNERS
‘I know there’s no
remedy for my problem.

My husbane and [I had a
beautiful simple wedding (55
guests) a year ago, at our house,
which we planned and paid for
Ourselves. We were in our early
30s, were ulready living together
and both kad full-time jobs.

Neediess to say, the wedding
involved a Ivoi of work and ex-
pense, but at the time, we were
happy we did it. The only thing
marring a wonderful memory is
that at least 12 of our closest
friends who attended never gave
us @ wedding present.

I realize it is verging on petti-
tess but | wonder how -many
other coupies experience this. Is it
common or do we just lave on
unusually large number of incon-
siderate friends?

{ know [ should never mention
it te them but my husband and [
both find that we feet resentful
toward these people. 7 am sure
they probably figured they had a
year after the wedding to get a
gift and then just forgot but I
can't help it — 1 now took at
these people and think they’re
selfiss:. I find I don’t call them
much,

Onc of these friends is getting
married soon and I find myself
evilly thinking, ‘‘This is our
chance to not give them any-
thing.”’

Is this completely out of fine?
How do my husband and I get rid
of this resentment that is marring
our friendships? I now wish we'd
eloped. .

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners doesn’t know how many
couples experience bitter regret at
having had a simple and beautiful
wedding because it did not achieve
the goai of collecting tribute from
every single person present.

Nowadays, probably lots.
What’s the point in getting mar-
tied without a 100% retura in
donations?

4

PORNEIFATION ) a

Biting Fa 08)

As you may imagine, Miss
Manners does not much care for
this line of reasoning, which she
agrees that you have accurately
characterized as evil.

The remedy is to stop fretting
over problems that are not pro-
perly any of your business, and to
enjoy what ought to be your own
happiness. Worrying about what,
if anything, should be given to the
bridal couple is not the bridal
couple’s problem, but the wedding
guests’. Far from expecting pres-
ents and then being angry when
they don’t materialize, you are
supposed to be pleasantly surpris-
ed and grateful if anyone does feel
moved to give you a present.

However, after your year of
improper brooding over depriva-
tion, the situation has changed.

You now find yourselves in the .

position of being invited to be
wedding guests, and therefore the
question of whether to give pres-
ents is one that you may legiti-

mately consider.

The custom of giving presents
to help establish a new household
has indeed been eroded, both
because many bridal couples, such
as yourselves, already have fully
stocked households, and because
the poiential recipients have got-
ten so frank about their expecta-
tions ws to take the pleasure out
of giving.

Miss Manners wouid like to see
the custom survive as a symbolic
expression of goodwill on such an
important occasion as marriage —
but oniy if it can be maintained as
a voluntary gesture, prompted by
affection.

Should you no longer feel af-
fection for your own wedding
guests, you have no business ai-
tending their weddings. But
should you still care for them, it
seems to Miss Manners that you
would want to participate in their
happiness, not seize on an oppor-
tunity to slight them in revenge.

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
Please, if you will, consider this
scenario, A young weman returns
to her home town and immediate-
ly encounters a former classmate
from about 10 years ago. The first
woman does not pay much atten-
tion to this encounter. For one
thing, the classmate had spread
many vicious lies about our sub-
ject and aumerous other unfertu-
nates; for another, the classmate
is currently screaming at a
department-store clerk.

Suddenly the classmate notices
the woman and, with a wide
smile, exclaims her name and
**You've changed so much!’’
the woman having become, shall
we Say, successful in certain areas
that more superficial persons
might deem important,

$ assume, if I may, thal a reply
of “Weil, I see you're still a ----!"
(expletive deleted for Miss Man-
ners but not for the classmate,
clerk and various shoppers) is im-

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polite, and I'm a bit sorry.

Would it have heen more pro-
per to smile and say ‘My
goodness! You haven’(!"'?

GENTLE READER — Proper?

Not only that but it would have
been more effective than the proof
you apparently offered your
classmate and surrounding
listeners that you hadn’t turned
out as well as you might have.

Your reconsidered reply, which
contained no words requiring
deletion, would have made a fair
return on a foul serve. Miss Man-
ners does not require you to ac-
cept impoliteness helplessly, only
to refrain (rom defending yourself
by out-ruding your adversary.

But she is at least relieved to
hear that your second thoughts
showed an improvement on your
first ones. Only too often does she
hear from those who acted with
instinctive politeness, only to
report later their regret at not
having delivered a ruder response.

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THE BOLD LOOK
CFROHLER.

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