aUYS AREN'T supposed to
write about stuff like this
because it’s — what? Well,
in the traditional sense of
the phrase, if calls into ques-
Hien your manhood. Sort of.

You see, | was acttally sexually
harassed by a woman recently.

i mean, at one fevel, it was kind

of exciting, We're speaking here

wbout the testosterone level. And ol! -

course my nite ego didnt mind.
But otherwise was, well,
‘harassment. Harassment? Hell, the
wont assaulted ine,

If she'd been bigger than me.
and there hadn't been alot of other
people around, th would have
amounted technically to attempted
rape,

By rights, could have pressed
charges, But you can just imagine
what the cops, let alone my bud-

_ dies, would have said as they
‘rolled their eyes and nudged each
. other,

“More to the point, imagine what
“they would have said when they
_ got back to the cruiser or got
together ina bar fater. —

.. “What a wimp! What's his -
problem? Losing it!” ; .

As for what happened, it wasn’t
‘a wemendously big deal, ] guess. I
had been invited to make a speech
— to do a stand-up comedian rou-
tine, really — at an informal gath-
- ering of about 300 eco-freaks at a
nightclub.

The object was to poke fun at

corporate polluters such as Mac
- Blo and Alcan, and at the same
“time have sone fun. In other °
-words, get jacked.

strictly
pel sonal

“Harmless enough. After ail,
what red-blooded hetero boy is
going to object to an attractive lady
pluaking hersell in his lap, espe-
cially if it's all good, clean, adull
humoy-type fun among friends?

When it came time for me to do
amy schtick, the fady in question
kept my chair warm, and when |
stumbled buck to the table, leaving
the audience rolling in the nisles,

~ thankfully, she stood up ta let me

sit down, and.then promptly
dropped back in my lap.

Sometime thereafter, in the
flushed, happy haze of laughter
and good cheer, Pbecame aware
that the lady's tongue had found its
way into my ear —- inadvertently,
no doubt, T told myself, rather
enjoying the sensation.

Except that. the next thing J
knew, she was whispering truly
naughty things in my car. The ‘kind
of dialogue normally reserved for
porn flicks.

I kind of started getting weak

/ ail over... And then snupped out of

1 was sitting at a table near the” it, booze notwithstanding, sudden-

Stage with the other speakers, and
we had been psyching ourselves. up
“for an hour or so already, that is to
-say, downing several Pints of bub-
bly, the better to cope with pre-
. Show jitters, you understand?

‘My wife, who is descended
froin Vikings, was not.with me. -.
- She, of course, hears’my stand-up.
comedy routines all the time.

Anyway, to my surprise, a thir-
tysomething woman Ihave known
: slightly for several years, and who
» is normally, conservative and

“tweedy as hell,-sashayed over,
Wearing an uncharacteristic split:
Kirt with fishnet stockings, and,

“on the ‘pretext of not being able to
‘find a chair, e! timbed playfully onto
my, knee. °

ly remembering that 1 was, in fact,

a married man with chiidren, etc. It

would have been nice, but ... I
claimed a need to go to the boy's
room, and tried to give her the slip
by sneaking cver to another table.
No go. She hunted me down.

I couid see her striding between
the tables, her eyes scanning. She
was quickly back in my lap again,
arms coiled around my neck: By
now I was starting to get a bit des-
perate, and annoyed.

My upbringing didn’t permit
me to dump her unceremoniously
on the floor. That would have been
a fine nightmare, eh?

First of all, 1 would, in a quick
second, have become the Male —
Aggressor who'd just pushed tis -

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poor worman on her butt on Crantot

everyone,

Felbe lucky notte get stugeed.
My mother never prepared me for
this particular situation, Nobody:
did, actually. Although, came to
think of i, there hive been a few
movies Jately dat placed female
characters inthe role of sexual
predator,

Of course, they’ve been pooh:
poolied as being part of the ongoing
male plot to dominate the world,

bled from the lady several
tities, and even tried Sanding atthe
bar talking told friends, Each
lime, she snaked herself ‘aroun me
and went back to nibbling al ay
neck,

(dawned on one that this was
pretty bizarre. [fa guy had been
doing this toa woos in front of a
room fall of people, he'd have been
hauled away in handcuffs, But since
{was a tale, it was assumed | was
happy to be molested.

I should have gotten iad, But,
programmed to be nice to women,
and certainly not to enibarrass them
in public, | merely kept trying to
extricate myself,

Finally, | hit upon a solution,
Spotting another woman | Kaew, 1
mouthed the word “Help!” to her.

She got it. Within minutes, she
had solicited the help of yet another
woman, and the two of them pried
the first lady loose from me.

One of them scooped up my
coat and briefcase and hailed me a
cab while the other one ran down-
field interference as | made for the
door. Together, the two of them
held my attacker off while I made
good my escape,

At home, I woke my wife and
told her what had happened.

She yawned, said, “That's amaz-
ing, dear,” and fell back asleep,
leaving me with my testosterone
levels still up there, wondering
about the meaning of life.

The next day, the lady in ques-
tion called on the phone to apolo-
gize. She’d been drinking, she
explained.

What? That's an excuse? Sounds
familiar.

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