40 - Wednesday, July 8, 1992 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Permission to smoke causes annoyance DEAR MISS MANNERS — My husband and I, who do not smoke and do not enjoy being in a smoke-filled room, invited three other couples, none of whom we knew very well, for cocktails at our vacation condominium. Shortly after arriving, one of the women asked me if 1 minded if she smoked. Now, of course, there is where I made the mistake. I said, ‘No, it's all right.’* She and her husband promptly lighted cigazettes and continued to smoke one cigarette after another, the entire time they were here, which was abput two hours. None of the others weve smok- ing. It was a chilly day, so we couldn’t suggest moving (o the balcony, and as our living-room area is not immense, the air was _ soon heavy with smoke. This coupie are periectiy charming people otherwise, but needless to _ say, we will not invite them back in a hurry. I would like to know if there is anythiag 2 might have said in a light way that would have discouraged the smoking without alienating these people. . GENTLE READER — Now just a minute here. Let Miss Manners see if she has this straight. ‘These people asked if: could smoke. You told them it was perfectly all right to smoke in your house. Now you want to banish them for doing so. It is all very well to toss off the remark that giving permission was a mistake, and Miss Manners wil! they finally get to the point’ of an-- swering your question about. how to refuse such permission politely. But she objects to the tone you take — citing their enthusiastic compliance and your resulting suffering — as if they somehow . should have known that it would bother you, in spite of your very direct statement to the contrary. The answer you should have made was ‘Oh, dear, I’m afraid smoke bothers us.’’ The - whole sudith Martin MISS MANNERS scene would then have been avoided. But now that it has taken place, it would be a shame to lose the friendship of this couple who are, by your testimony, charming, and by Miss Manners’, considerate. (Rude smokers don’t bother to ask; some even argue with objec- tions.) Invite them again, but ‘this time say: “You know, I was too timid to say last time that I prefer that you don’t smoke. But we so en- joyed. your visit, and [ hope it won't annoy you not to smoke while you’re here.’”’ DEAR MiSS MANNERS — I have received an invitation to my cousin’s wedding, addressed to my husband’ and me, and our four children aged one to nine. My aunt, the mother of the bride, told my father that she was upset when she heard I was thinking of hiring a baby sitter, at least for the two youngest, beceuse she wanted all my children to attend. She loves children, especially ALS campaign raises funds NORTH SHORE residents helped ‘raise more than $2,171 during the Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis _(ALS) Flower Days ’92, held June _5 and 6. All money raised in this campaign goes directly to research into the cause. and cure of ALS which is also known as Lou. Gehrig’s Disease. ALS is a terminal neuromuscular disease that is in- creasing in incidence in B.C. After diagnosis, a person’s average life expectancy is four years. Elaine Fonseca, Bernie Guichon, Dick Kent and Peter Forster and 40 people who have made up their teams of volunteers were at Park Royal, Capilano Mall, Westview Shopping Centre and Lonsdale Quay to raise: funds for the cause. For more information about ALS, contact the ALS Society of B.C. at 685-0737. NATL SOY. SAYET SALE SALE SALE SAREE SALES ALES AEE SALE tots, no matter how rambunctious they are. | know she wouldn‘t bat an eye if a youngster ran up the aisle or cried through the service. On the whole, my chiideen are sweet and well-behaved, and many cnjoy their company. However, most times they are typical children and behave as such. I'm afraid the four-year-old will talk loudly through the whole ser- vice, the two-year-old will flirt with the people behind him, and the one-year-old will want to get down and go off to observe on. his own. “ Kiy husband will not be able to attend and help me. Although my dad would jean over backward to assist me, § don’t want to put him in the position of parenting my children at an affair where he should be enjoying himself. And quite frankly, if I had to spend time in the back of the church, outside, or running affer them during the reception, I'd just as soon stay home. Miss Maaners, I want.to honor my aunt’s wishes. I know she will be disappointed if 1 bring only part of my brood, bui the thought of a less than perfect day exhausts rae. GENTLE READER — You have no idea how refreshing Miss Manners found ‘your letter. To understand that, you would have - to see the piles of correspondence she has from people who are vehemently opposed to having any children at family occasions, and from their relatives wino are equai- ly vehement about bringing theirs. How nice of your aunt to take such a warm interest children, above the technical perfection of the occasion. And in your~ how nice of you to take such a warm interest in the occasion, above the natural limitations of your children to tolerate. While hosts are within the bounds of politeness to invite only adults to a wedding, the parent of invited children is the cne to make the decision. (Miss Manners’ awkward wording is to head off any misinterpretation ‘that.a parent can make the decision - about the attendance of children who were not invited.) You make a strong case for 1 Kot, taking yours. .The polite ‘way’ to say so, given” the hospitality: of your aunt, is: ‘‘You are so sweet to include them, ‘but really. they’re not old enough to appreciate and enjoy. it. They'll be happier hear- ing about it and meeting the’ cou- ple on.an occasion .when they can really enjoy their attention."” ‘ Has someone really made a difference in your life? Do you know an unsung hero © deserving of some recognition? * if you do the North Shora News would like to honor them in a special feature: section. Write a letter describing someone. who fives’ or works on: the North Shore who has done something for you, your family, or your business. It - can be something smal! or samething’ big. It could be a letter describing your.. landiady who allowed you to live rent-’ free for a month after a car accident feft you unable to work for a time. 2 Or it could be about that co-worker who sO often brings you a.cup of tea during a busy work day. Piease send your letters, to Pamela Lang, Editorial Department, North Shore. News, 1139 Lonsdale Ave., North Vancouver V7M 2H4. Or fax to Pamela Lang at 985-3227 or 985-1435. Your own name, address and phone number should be included and the name and phone number of the person you are writing about. UNSUNG HERO CONTINUES SALE Name: Resides in: Phone: Deadline for Entries WHITE CROSS . Wednesday, July 15, 1992 CELEBRITY _. REG. TO $98.00 SALE $6495 HELE SANA . $4695 681-6811 BSALE SALESALE SALE-SALE.S- NOMINATOR Name: Address: Phone: THE VOICE OF NOI: 1 ANO WEST VAPCOUVER SATESALESAL