4@ - Friday, November 15, 1991 - North Shore News -

Success in sex:

MANY PEOPLE, men and
of course women, have
marvelled at my sexual
vrowess.

An unspoken admiration lights
up their eyes when I casually men-
tion that I have five chiidren,
ranging down in age from 32
yeazs to 17 months, democrat-
ically distributed among several
mothers — the latter complicit
and indeed, as I recall, rather in-
sistent in the matter.

TI have now reached the age
where it seems selfish of me not to
share the secrets of my love-
making techniques.

After all, one has obligations.
One must have due regard for the
future of the race. One must teach
the young.

So here is a very frank, very
graphic description of what occur-
red the most recent time that a
woman came to my bed — my
wife, for the record.

I only wish that this article
could be accompanied by ap-
propriate illustrations. But | fear
the paper wouid be closed down
by the police and its publisher ar-
rested.

In any event, | believe many
people with children around the
house, the fruit of their previous
naughty indiscretions, will
recognize the following.

Which could be called: How to
Be a Lothario, Don Juan,
Rudolph Valentino, Elvis Presley,
Michael Caine, Jack Nicholson,
and George Burns, All Rolled Into
One, end Still Hold a Steady Job.

I believe a step-by-step format,
in manual form and with real-life
descriptions, is best. Listen up,
men:

1. First and foremost, you and
your beloved must have separate
bedrooms.

This sharpens sexual desire and
makes any saucy liaison a whole
lot more erotic.

My wife's bedroom is next to
the three children’s, where she can
sleep in peace with her ear cocked
for their very irregular breath.

With separate bedrooms the
tension, the thrill, the sharp-horn-
ed sense of the forbidden are im-
measurably enhanced.

You'll recall a Marcello
Mastroianni film along these lines.
The hero suffered from shameful
impotence unless he had to fight
towering difficulties and dangers
to get to his beloved.

This spoiled marriage
altogether, a problem he solved in
the film’s final scene by routinely
clambering along the sheer face of
his villa between his bedroom and
his wife’s, instead of merely tak-
ing a few steps down the halt.

Well, I have not clambered
along the sheer face of anything,
except possibly the slippery sides
of a martini, for the longest time.
But my wife and I do have sepa-
tate bedrooms. So we are ready
for ...

2. Whispered Passion. Well,
you wouldn't want the children to
hear, would you?

Not that my children don’t
know the facts of life. My lovable
and disobedient son Daniel, for
instance, aged two at the time,
explained a few weeks ago how he
arrived in the world: ‘*! came up
the steps and there were Mommy
and Daddy."* Sounds OK to me.

Anyway, to continue my real-
life itlustrations of the skills of
sex: Last Sunday my wife, the
jade, whispered to me: ‘‘I’m com-
ing to your room tonight for a
backrub.”’

Not being awfully bright, my
first thought was: ‘‘I didn’t know
you had a sore back.”’

Eventually, however, her mean-
ing penetrated. Surely she didn't
want ... ? Surely she did. And
under cover of darkness, when all
the children were abed.

( admit there are difficulties
about marital squeezes under these
conditions. For one thing, they
make sexual clinches about as
spontaneous as a dental appoint-
ment.

There was a further problem.
Since I too would be abed by
then, and since | wear bed socks
to protect me from the rigors of
the coldest bedroom in West Van-
couver, I had to face the problem
of waking up to the embrace of
my freshly-arrived wife and, while
clasping her to my slim ivory
body, levering off the said socks
with my big toe one at a time

is the time to take advantage of the EXTRA S. SAVINGS
le at this unreserved’ auction. a 4

Don Juan gets physical®

Trevor
Lautens

GARDEN OF BIASES

without spoiling my dashing,
romantic image.

[ believe that even Harry
Houdini, who easily got out of
locked chests wrapped in chains
and dropped in the river, had
trouble with this one. And nobody
asked him to make love at the
same time.

Anyway, my wife arrived, the
necessary contortion was done,
and we were ready for ...

3. Wordplay. As we all know,
parents, wordplay is an absolute
prerequisite to a successful
squeeze between the sheets.

My wife began the uttering of
sweet nothings with:

“Th-th-this must be the coldest
bedroom in West Vancouver.’’

“I"ve already told them that,"' I
said sharply.

Several minutes passed in utter
silence. We moved on to...

4. Hot breath. This is a very,
very essential element in satisfac-
tory relations.

After the long and, I admit,
somewhat awkward silence, my
wife said: ‘I’ve been thinking
about Boz."’

Boz was our wonderful black
Labrador dog. We had to put her
to sleep last July. We were devas-
tated.

To this day, when I think of her
— yes, even when writing prose
like this, witty baubles that invite
comparison with those of Stephen
Leacock or S.J. Perelman — tears
come to my eyes.

3 do not expect to be believed,
reader, when I tell you that she
left me in a world of inconsolable
loneliness.

My wife and { said nothing. We
both began to weep in the dark-
ness. As you know, weeping gen-
erates great quantities of heat.

Within five minutes, our mingl-
ed breath ballooned up the old
degrees, centigrade or Fahrenheit,
like the open hearth at the Steel
Company of Canada.

After a while, we calmed down

West Van police fine
pedestrians in accident

TWO YOUNG North Shore
teens struck Nov. 7 by a vehi-
cle while attempting to cross
Marine Drive at 14th Street in
West Vancouver were fined $50
each for disobeying a pedestri-
an ‘wait’? signal at a road
crossing.

The two females suffered
minor leg injuries and bruising
when they were struck by a
vehicle travelling east on
Marine at just after 7:30 p.m.
A third pedestrian was also
fined $50 by the West Var
couver Police.

and my wite closed off this phase
of the proceedings by saying:
‘*Berta’’ — that's our youngest —
‘talmost said ‘raccoon’ today.”
Then we moved smartly on
through the serious stuff:

5. Getting Physical. I put a
thumb squarely on my wife’s
clavicle.

6. Response. My wife scratched
my back ever so slightly, 3% in-
ches (8.255 cm) above a line
drawn between the left ventricle
and the gallbladder.

7. Sleep. We both nodded off.

8. Guilt. My wife abruptly
awoke and said: ‘‘I wouldn't be
able to hear the children if they
woke up."

9. Resurrection. My wife got
out of bed and put on her
negligee. (I lie. It’s a flannelette
nightie. But negligee sounds bet-
ter.)

10. Departure. This is always a
poignant moment for lovers,
though it is allayed by the almost
instantaneous-return to sleep of
aie remaining partner, which I

H

Well, there you have it, parents
— Night of Passion at 5445
Marine Dr. Hope it helps you
with any sexual hang-ups. And
with these torrid words in it, will
this copy of your North Shore
News be delivered in a plain
brown wrapper?

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