46 - Sunday, November 22, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles__ FATHER-IN-LAW CALLS WOMAN BY WRONG NAME By any other name would smell as sweet DEAR MISS MANNERS — My father-in-law has a strong Chinese accent, and also 2 hearing problem. My name is Julie, but he calls me Judy. He invariably introduces me to his friends as ‘‘niy daughter-in- taw, Judy.’’ Once, when I politely corrected this by saying, ‘‘My name is Julie,” he said “Oh, I thought your name was Judy.”’ miss manners by Judith Martin His tone of voice implied that I'd changed my name since he’d in- troduced me. 1 believe that he knows my name, but simply can’t pronounce it correctly (he also says my hus- band’s name differently). 1 think that even a passing acquainiance of his would realize that he bas a hearing problem and an accent, and would accept a correction from me more gracefully. Should I jump right-in and say, ‘As you know, he has a slight hearing pro- biem — my name is -Jutie.’? That sounds rude to me. But then I also have a slight but nagging feeling that he really doesn’t know my name is Julie. He can pronounce other words with an L in the middle, but he’s seen my name in print, so maybe he just aeeds to be corrected gently. In the six years I've known the family, no one has ever corrected him on this, and I just followed their lead. Now I’m thinking that this is just a mix-up, compounded by the silence that implies acceptance. Should | attempt a refresher in- troduction? I wouldn't want to do anything rude. GENTLE READER — Miss Manners suggests that you learn to consider ‘‘Judy” (a fine name in its way) to be your father-in-law’s affectionate pet name for you. By your account, he does know your name — as he knows your hus- band’s — and lecturing or embar- rassing him will not change the way he says it. However, you can gently inform people you are just meeting what your correct name is. Rather than blaming your father-in-law for a faulty introduction, tell them, as each first calls you Judy, ‘‘Actual- ly, it’s Julie, with an L.’’ Should anyone be so blunt as to say, ‘‘I thought he said Judy,’ you should gaze at him fondly and say, ‘‘He’s the only one allowed to call me that.”’ DEAR MISS MANNERS — I was wondering if it is proper to eat all the food on your plate at a dinner party. People say it makes a statement to leave some food on your plate, even if it is delicious. GENTLE READER — Funny you should ask. The statement, as ar-.. ticulated in a Victorian etiquette tule, was ‘‘Leave something for Miss Manners.'’ This was not so much a welfare project for Your Devoted Servant as an indication that one had been amply fed. However, Miss Manners has long since abolished the rule. Throwing away good food for the sake of manners offended her, and besides, she wasn’t that hungry. You may now properly finish everything on your plate provided you do not do it in such a way as to damage the finish on the china. DEAR MISS MANNERS — What is the proper response if you’ve sent a sympathy card to someone, and when you see them later, they say, ‘“Thank you so much for the card — it was sweet of you.'? Do you say, ‘‘Thank you,” or what? GENTLE READER — The ordi- nary response to ‘“'Thank you’’ is **You're welcome."' But in this case, the courtesy offered -- the card — is so slight in comparison with the reason — the death — that one instead reiterates the sen- timents: ‘‘Oh, I was so sorry to hear of your mother’s death; ! csemember her fondly; you’ve been very much in my thoughts,” etc. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My sister and F have very different personalities. She tends to be ca- sual, while I am more formal. I like ip use cups and saucers in a table setting. Over time, I've learned to set out coffee mugs for my sister and brother-in-law, because they never use the saucers — they push them aside. I say that when a saucer is pro- vided with a cup, it should be used to protect the tablecloth. Mugs are Collins Finely Crafted Upholstery designed to be used alone. Am 1 just being snooty if i don’t like them putting the saucer aside? What is considered proper? They do this everywhere, even in restau- rants. GENTLE READER — Actually, they are being snooty. Informality has no corner on egalitarianism; the important thing is whether one respects other people’s choices. One may legitimately set a casual or more informal style in one’s own house (or restaurant), but purposely to reject any style other than one’s own is a form of snob- bery. However, considering that these are your close relatives, you are being gracious, in Miss Manners’ opinion, to supply them with the equipment they prefer. 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