ne rae ee a — — man exclusively for a year. We are both middle-aged. We spend every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night at his apartment and, on occasion, one night curing the week. I cook, and we share the cleaning. This gentleman includes me in almost all his activities, including family holiday get-togethers, and ke keeps me advised of his plans. He is a total gentleman in every way — very proper, considerate didn’t permit insensitivity or ob- vious Iack of common courtesy. GENTLE READER — You thought right — both that proper etiquette Goes not permit insen- sitivity or obvions lack of common ‘ guesi. You are in a better position . Gerstand that the law states we are and caving. | Guce in a while, I siay at his apartmeat while ke is uff playing tenris. One time when le forgot to turn on kis answering machine, I was not cure whether I saculd an- swer. When I mentioned it ta him later, he said it would be more tus mot to answer his tele- phone. He felt it was not proper. I responded by reminding hima that I am not an occasionai friend but a very regular one, ard most pcople be knows (inciuding his family) would not be surprised ‘o find me there. a Should a reguler overnight lady miss t er tleman friend’s telephoac when he ts not manners " there to answer it? GENTLE READER ~— If your host docs not want you to answer his telepione in his absence, that should settle the matter. Miss Manners wonders how, then, he proposes to telephone you there if he is to be late, or otherwise needs to talk to you, but that is his prob- lem, not yours. You seem to suggest that his reasoning is that he Goes not want people to know, or at least to have dramatically demonstrated to them, that you are an overnight Judith Martin and that it is incon- siderate and tasteless to send in- courtesy, vitations calling anyone ‘and Guest.”” than Miss Manners to know if he has allowed his famiiy and friends to believe that you are in an eariier stage of courtship than you are. If that is the point of propriety he is making, and you want to snake the nature of the relationship public, Miss Manners suggests you decide the matter by discussing it with him rather than allowing’ people to discover accidentally a fact he believes to be better obscured. © : DEAR MISS MANNERS — My common-law husband received a wedding invitation from en old girlfriend who bad 9 crush on him when they were growing up. They’ve remsined good friends, and we have had ker in our home and attended her housewarming The invitation was sddressed to Mr. J. Smith and Guest, Jim and I have been together eight years now, living together for four. Al- though we are not married, I un- legally scmmon-law busband sad wife. . I felt the reference ‘a sac as & guest was inconsiderate of my feel- jugs and incredibly tasteless. I was so hurt end insulted that I told my husban . i definitely would no! at- tend, and be could take a guest. Although he wanted fo attend, he understood and decided to decline if I would not go. He kas kept in touch with « few old girlfriends and I've always tried to make them feel comforta- ble, to exeble him to mainiszin the friendships be had defere he met me. My mother-in-law kaows this woman quite well and is also in- vited. She assures me that the wording was not intended to be malicious bot that if must be pro- per etiquette, because this woman docs everything by the bo~x. ‘So I have reconsidered, bat I would like to get this. straight. I thought that proper etiqueite Should an overnight guest answer phone? 7 DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have been seeing a gentle- But Miss Manners also thinks that your mother-in-law is right that this was not done as a sligit to you because your marriage is a common-law one. This kind of wording is being used all the time, merely to avoid the trouble of fin- ding out who is still married, who és no longer married, who is living with whom, who met someone last night, and so on. Polite people send their invita- tions io individuals by name: At worst, they may have to make a few discreet telephone calls to ob- tain the relevant information, but surely this is less troubie than in- sulting peopie whom one wishes to entertain. Miss Manners commends you for being flexible enough to accept your mother-in-law’s argument. She has also noticed that this lady and your husband seem to be gent- ly devoted to both your interests. That should make the rudeness of a mere ex-girlfriend of your hus- band easier to bear. es ‘The Permanent Beauty and Life of You: Rugs Depends Mostly Upon the Care They Receive. 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