Time to start grinding

IT’S CERTAIN you wen’t
lose any steep over this
fascinating news, but your
man Doug is a
tootkgrinder.

Compe the witching hour, his
molars make a noise that sound
like the old mill by the stream on
a drunken night out — if he’s
forgotten to insert his clamper,
that is, that being a dental device
that prevenis grinding and feels as
if you have a stick down your
throat.

In pre-clamper times, I tried
wrapping a rope around jaws and
scalp. It didn’t work. Besides,
there was a danger of strangling
myself on the bedpost.

It was with interest, then, that I
saw that a Montreal doctor has
been given a $153,000 grant by the
Medical Research Council of
Canada to study people who grind
their teeth while sleeping.

I have been known to grind my
tusks while not sleeping, which is
why they are so sharp.

I am grinding them now
because the council conid have
saved itself a lot of money if it
had asked me about the problem
instead of going to some guy who
charges a mint and will probably
noi add to the sum cf human
knowledge.

Incidentally, it is a libel that we
grinders worry a loz even when
there is nothing to worry about.

Griading comes frosn rezding
the papers and watching the box.
So the ioopier the world waxes the
ower the national tooth level will

So far, it says here, one in five
of us grind so much that our bed
Partners can’t sleep properly.

True. Until 1 got the clarnper
Grey Eyes kept banging me in the
’. Fibs. Noctumally, that is. During

the day she’s always been kind
_and loving.

As I was saying, this physical
failing springs from the fact that
there is now no limit to madness.

One yearns for the sane days of
the war when there was only the
Waffen SS to fight and there was

~ no danger of bumping into an
out-of-the-cioset homo or some
loopy lesbian who wanted to take

Doug
Coilins

ON THE OTHER HAND

her shirt off.

Also, there were no ‘‘fishers”’
or “‘chairs,”’ the former having
been confined to Christ’s disciples
and the latter being something you
sat on.

Consider this grinder of an item
from the British press, which ap-

eared tinder the headline:
“Cavemen face extinction.’*

“Man-eating tigers, cavemen
and bushinen have been deemed
politically incorrect terms under
new guidelines aimed at stamping
out sexism in schoolbooks across
the Commonweaith.

“Authors, publishers and
education officials will be asked to
consider alternatives, such as
human-eating tigers, cave dwellers
and bush people.’”

These recommendations were
thought up by some fem of color
(note my good behavior here)
called Noor Farida Ariffin, who
works for the Commonwealth
Secretariat.

“We felt we had to address the
root causes of sexual discrimina-
tion," stated the fem in question.

1 proposed 20 years ago that we
should ditch the Commonwealth,
most of whose members are
whiners, scroungers, pirates, thugs
of color and other undesirables.

No one heeded my advice, alas.

In the U.S.. meanwhile, there
have been oud cries about a book
in whict the author had written
that a raven gave some children a

‘NV man wins scholarship

NORTH Vancouver resident Joe
. Carreira has been named as one
of six. recipients of the Jeff
‘McKelvey Scholarship for !991-92
announced recently by the Union
of B.C. Municipalities (UBCM).
“ The Jeff McKelvey Scholarship
Fund was established by the
UBCM members and other parties
in honor of the late Jeff McKelvey
upon his retirement,and became
opesationa! in the spring of 1986.
The fund assists people who
may not qualify for a UBCM

Commemorative Scholarship.

The purpose of the program is
to assist. any local government
employee in pursuing educational
and training objectives.

For more information on the
scholarship program and for ap-
plications, contact Mary
Harkness, secretary to the board
of examiners, ministry of
municipal affairs, recreation and
housing, Pariiament Buildings,
Victoria.

black look.

Linguistic offences of this sort
have been dealt with here before.
l recently 2xpatiated on the
idiocies of Wimp major (the Van-
couver Sun) for greasing up the
Noor Farida Ariffins of the
world.

It wouldn’t surprise me if they
imported Noor to improve their
pages even further.

Or perhaps she will be wel-
comed as a language commissar
by our clever, even progressive
provincial government, which has
just prohibited the use of the term
Girl Friday and has told folk they
shouid not say ‘‘the girl at the
reception desk.’*

Time for ancther grind.

It isn’t only language loopiness
that reduces the size of my teeth.
How about the Chinese and Viet-
namese refusing to take back
those three gangsters who were to
be deported?

While having a good grind the
other night, | had a dream, just
like Martin Luther King.

I was a helicopter pilot and we
were flying over Peking. Behind
me the crew was pushing the three
crooks out of the plane. On
parachutes, of course, | being of
humanitarian beat.

It was then that Grey Eyes
spoiled everything by giving me a
dig. She said I was making noises
like a cave person.

Oh well. At Icast she didn’t call
me a human-eating tiger.

Ca

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