40 - Sunday, November 10, 1991 —North Shore News LIFESTYLES Persistent questioning makes woman uneasy DEAR MISS MANNERS Several times recently [ have been asked personal-grooming «ues- tions or family-oriented questions, in a very pubiic setting, by people who are mildly retarded and are working {9 service positions. Others were present, and going in- to detaii would not have been cor- rect and would only have served to encourage this behavior. Miss Manners must realize that I do understand that these people meant no harm. But the thought of discussing my hair coloring, or whether a pregnant young ledy is married, while I am waiting to be seated in a restaurant, being of- fered canapes, or being served, bas not only put me off but made me very uncomfortable. 1 Save tried to give a simple, one-line response, such as ‘‘Thank you for the compliment’’ or ‘The baby is due in June,’ accom- panied by a genuine smile. For most people, that would te enough. Bat I have noticed tha: it is im- possible to ignore persistent ques- tioning from people who are elmost childlike in their in- nocence. | GENTLE READER Eti- quette does consider motivation, so Miss Manners agrees that you are quite tight to put these ques- tions in the same category as those from snoops who have merely decided to ignore the social bar- riers of which they are well aware. In fact, there are so many of the latter around that anyone with the least innocence left could easi- ly get the mistaken notion that such questions are welcome. But while etiquette requires you to be polite, it does not require you to violate your privacy. If the social signals sent by your evasive Judith Martin MISS MANNERS answers are not caught, you must politely but firmly explain, ‘This is not something i will discuss.’’ Persistence, such as the further question ‘‘Why not?’? must be answered with a polite “I won't discuss that, either.’’ DEAR MISS MANNERS — Could you please interpret for me the body language of one of the females in my office? This particular female is in an upper-management position. When she is in a meeting where men are present, she has the habit of clasping her hands behind her head, with her elbows jutting up- ward and her stomach thrust for- ward. I have witnessed this on several occasions, and frankly, this is an q embarrassment to my womanhood. Could you please comment on why it is necessary for a female to adopt this typi- cally male posture? GENTLE READER — If Miss Manners were to interpret this scene, she would wonder first Salvation Army launches annual Christmas drive ON NOV. 12 the Salvation Army will launch its 1991 Christmas mail appeal to raise the $1.8 mil- tion needed to make Christmas a special time for those in need. Each year the Salvation Army prepares food baskets, serves din- ner to 2,500 homeless men at its downtown Harbour Light Centre, and provides care and support for those in need, especially low. income people, the mentally ill and single-parent families. Christmas is a hard time of the year for single parent families, ac- cording to Erna Janzen, who has spent 18 years with the Army’s family services division. *“*Many don’t come in during the rest of the year. But expenses are higher at Christmas and a lot can’t make it, and every year the numbere are higher,’’ said Janzen, adding that the Army also steps in with food vouchers, toys and sometimes even stocking stuffers. Christmas can also be hard on single people because the season emphasizes getting together with friends and family. © In cooperation with the Kettle of Fish, the Salvation Army serves a Christmas meal to more than 450 low-income families. Volun- teers distribute 16,000 bags of treats and gifts to nursing homes and senior citizens’ centres. As part of its campaign, a letter from the Army is ia the mail. Send back your envelope to #611-198 West Hastings St., Van- couver, V6B 1H2. For more in- formation, call 681-9311. Vintage Lighting Lamps, Torchieres, Sconces HOURS "Also ‘available for: Tues-Sa, Custom made fixtures ¢ Appraisals 105 Ps p.m. e Consultation on Period Lighting Styles 125 p.m. * Oil & Gas Lamp Conversions (A compleie service — guaranteed work) 7871- 6th St., Burnaby 524-3995 about an employee who considers another person’s relaxed but not indecent posture to reflect badly on herself. However, she thinks that both she and you would do well to refrain from criticizing people who have not solicited our advice. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My pleasant etiquette prodlem is that I do not know how to word my daughter's wedding invita- tions, because we are all ‘“‘doc- tors.”” My husband, our daughter and her fiance are physicians; I have a Ph.D. I thought of using “Doctors Deborah and Jonathan Welling ... their daughter Doctor Evz Pauline to Doctor Adam Stone ..."’ but that seems 2 bit inuch. Is it sppropriate to use no titles, or do you have any other sugges- tions for our “‘highly educated but not skilled in etiquette’ family? GENTLE READER Miss Manners is always pleased to see an etiquette problem characterized as pleasant, and desperately hopes that her answer will not turn the matter unpleasant, with hurt feel- ings from perceived unfairness. if you do ‘“‘doctor’’ everyone, your daughter should have her surname on the invitations. Miss Manners rather agrees with you that it would look more like a medical report than a wedding in- vitation, but if everyone waats the title, that is the way to do it. If you decide to omit some ti- tles, bearing in mind that this is = a not a diploma and that your friends and relatives are all aware of your professional achievements anyway, use only your daughter's given names, as is traditional, with neither honorific nor sur- name. Your doctorate could also be omitted, not only because some female physicians nevertheless’ style themselves ‘‘Mrs.’’ socially, but because many doctors of phi- losophy of both genders fastidi- ously refrain from styling themselves *‘doctor."’ Miss Man- ners hastens to say chat it is only a custom that medical doctors use the title, and it implies no judg- ment about the relative worth of degrees. aaa Be our Guest at the Annual OWCASE “91 OV. 11-20 | Lonvaey CENTRE », ‘Friends Serving Friends’