46 - Wednesday, December 7, 1988 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

Know the diiference between
intimacy and intercourse

Q. HOW CAN we teach our
male partners about the dif-
ference between intimacy
and intercourse?

A. | get this question so often
that I feel that men are getting a
lot of bad publicity only because
they don’t bother to defend
themselves.

In fact, a few men have said to
me that women only want them for
their bodies and their images as
studs, and there doesn’t seem to be
any woman who knows that men
really want more personal close-
ness.

Why do guys get this bad press?
I wonder if it’s because men are
still held responsible for the suc-
cess or failure of sex as a sensual
event. They are widely believed to
be the natural teachers, the in-
stigators, the ones who make it
happen. So, whatever goes wrong
the men blame themselves and the
women tend to blame the men.

In “The Last Picture Show’’
two clumsy teenagers try to have
sex. The girl feels nothing exciting
or pleasurable and blames the boy.
“You must have done something
wrong!’’ she tells him. It had to be
his fault.

Pre-Christmas

Also, when there is sex but no
intimacy, the man will get blamed.
I suggest that the woman has at
least 50 per cent of the responsibil-
ity for getting what she wants out

of sex, whether it is physical
satisfaction or the special intimacy
two individuals can create between
them.

If you want more intimacy along
with your sex 1 think you have to
establish it at other times. When
things are humming nicely, after a
meal perhaps, sit next to that man
of yours and instigate some head-
on-shoulders closeness.

He may assume that this means
you want sex right then, but make
it plain that you don’t — you want

Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

enAbles

to be close and cosy without going
right on to intercourse.

Most men will agree to this,
once you make it plain that you
want it. If not, you may need to
see a counsellor by yourself for
some ideas on how to get your
needs across to your husband.

The husband who is accustomed
to intimacy that doesn’t
automatically lead to sex is more
likely to accept sex preceded and
followed by low-key intimacy.

LeeeY FEY?

ero eoTi cl

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