WHEN I come to power I will get rid of the mili- tary. Lock, stock and barrel — if there are any barrels left. Right now we are getting rid of them piecemeal but it would be fogical to do away with the lot in one fell swoop. Who wants an army whose main occupation is going on paper chases, which is what has been happening in the search for documents relating to the Somali affair? One can see it now. We are at the front and the order comes down: “Cease firing, boys! Pile arms! There’s some paper missing. No, not toilet paper, you fool. And while you are looking for it don’t look at women, get drunk, or eat too many potato chips. This is a serious matter.” You think that’s off tar- get? It is not, any more than admitting fems and homo- sexuals to the infantry is not. So the way to avoid embar- rassment is to have no defence force at all. That way, Ottawa would have no problems. a My government would not stop at that, either. All Royal Canadian Legion A: RRSTIW EAN INDE STATE defence ou screened for racist attitudes. : Ottawa will not be satisfied q until everyone has passed a test set by the Canadian cere eae Human Rights Commission. Support for all this in the media can be guaranteed. Somalia has horrified them. Hence the acres of print on the subject. They've even called it Canada’s My Lai. At My Lai about 500 Vietnamese were killed by Lt. Calley and his merry men. In Somalia, the deaths of two blacks, one of whom was a thief, has set Canada on its ear, led to several courts martial, and reduced the military to a state of impotence. Hence the paper chase. When I come to power, such things will never hap- pen again, Nor will there be any repeats of that recent atrocity in Saskatchewan, where demented reservists had the temerity to lay plans for Indian road blocks. More racism. As everyone is aware, there have never been any disturbances by the Indians. Gustafsen Lake and Oka never happened. Any bullets fired in those places were fired by phantoms. So why N other band good idea to keep a few guys in short frilly skirts as Palace Guards at the Peace Tower in Ottawa, otherwise known as the Land of Nod. We can’t have the homosexuals feeling left out of things. But their duties would be purely cere- monial, like saluting Svend Robinson. Did I mention getting drunk? Good soldiers never do that. That's why orders have been issued to the boys in Bosnia that booze is out. The remnants of what used to be an army aren't allowed to drink in case they knock off someone who strays into their compound to steal stuff. No more drunken and licen- tious soldiery! They must also be would the reserve forces con- coct a plan for combating Indian violence? That's what they did, though, the racist wretches. And two officers of the Saskatchewan Dragoons, a militia unit, have been sus- pended for it. We have zero tolerance for that sort of thing said the brass, grovel- ling at the feet of the defence minister, The Dragoons’ script had Frank Fencepost and a bunch of other Red Brothers and Sisters, including Ruby Running Shoes, blockading a local military camp. Which, of course, no Indian would ever think of doing. They merely occupied a camp in Ontario and the meek mili- tary left it so as not to offend anyone. The subversive document, in Saskatchewan was leaked to the media, who were delighted to have it. Right on cue, the generals said such stuff was not tolerated. Down with the military. Fire the lot. They'll be smok- ing next. And swearing. Cn with the frilly skirts. KEN BAXTER LAWYER 25 Years Experience LONSDALE QUAY NORTH VANCOUVER 988-6321 Detieux-Saxelby Insurance Services Inc. * 105-200 West Esplanade North Vancouver beneath ed Famous Players Theatre) >) We are overstocked and must reduce our inventory to maka room for naw merchandise arriving: dally! So hurry down and save big on all your favorite name brand bikes and accessories. bans. Away with them. . Veterans would also be forbidden to wear medals. _They only remind the young branches would be shut 7 Sarge mean oot, ae a | an down. As everyone knows, leans rere : ‘ aye DOM: : . ¢ : they are stuffed with old farts y ; 7 ‘ PTT | Hi A Ree” by 2D fi ; : ie and freaks. who object to tur- CANNES rian f BAN: a . Ak loeb ANT VE:98 of the bad old days when - people actually killed one another in battle. And battles are bad for you. It would of course be a . mailbox Canadian paradise long lost Dear Editor: I wish to commend your publication for allowing Mr. Collins to exercise free speech as allowed in the Charter of Rights. His recent columns, “Liberally ruined,” “Star columnist awakens” and “A mad mosaic of Canadian meekness” should awaken us all to the madness the gov- ernments of Canada have wreaked upon us since 1968. 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