40 - Sunday, March 19, 1989 - North Shore News _ LIFESTYLES Wedding expenses — should be shared DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have just received the happy news that my eldest daughter is to be married next year. In view of the facts that her mother and I are divorced, that I am remarried and the bride's mother is not, and that her mother and 5 are both wage earners, I would appreciate your advice on the following. 1. Should the cost of the wed- ding be shared by both parents? When I first considered this ques- tion, my reaction was that this was solely the cbligation of the father. However, some similarly situated friends, both male and female, suggested that there should be an equal sharing of costs. Other friends said that, depending on the financial position of the parties, there should be a division of costs with the father paying mere than 50 per ceat, and still others have saggested that if the mother is un- willing (o bear any of the cost, her relatives should be exciuded frora the guest list unless she consents to pay the costs proporticnate to their attcadance 2. ff, in’ your opinion, the moter should share the expenses of the wedding, what, if any, changes should there be in pro- fecoi; and, conversely, if the mother should not share the ex- peuses, whet changes in protocol would you suggest? It goes without saying thet the beppiness of the bride is para- mount, since this is (1 hope) a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But many of my friends have indicated that the expense-sharing concept {fs realistic and fair, since sithough the father is the titular payer when the parents are still married, the mother actually shares since the money fs derived from joiat marital funds. This logic, to me, seems compelling. GENTLE READER — Which would you prefer on this occasion, compelling logic or happiness of the bride? Assuming that you would choose the latter, Miss Manners will try to give you as much as possible of the former. Just don’t push her too far. Etiquette says nothing about the vulgar idea of havicg the financial backing of the wedding reflected in what you calf the protocol; it merely throws up its hands in horror. The answer to your second question is: Don’t even think about it. The lady in question did not buy the position of mother of the bride, and it can- Learn all about Japanese culture WANTED: NORTH Van- couverites interested in ‘earning more about Japanese culture. Members of ithe Seymour- Asumigaocka Friendship Society are busy organizing this summer's student exchanges. Five students from the Seymour area’s sister community, Asumigeoka, Japan, will arrive in late July for a two-week. visit. The students will be billeted with host families during their stay. Mid-August, students from North Vancouver will fly to Japan for a two-week visit in Asumigaoka. Students are respon- sible for their own airfare and spending money but accommoda- tion is provided by host familics in Asumigaoka. Families interested in hosting a Japanese student for one week or sending a stucent to Japan in mid-August can phone Cindy Hor- ton, 929-4204, or Mary Ferraby, 929-3880, for more information. not be withdrawn from her for failure to pay wedding bills. Also, her relatives happen also to be the bride’s relatives, every single one of them. As a matter of fact, etiquette, which messes around less in the family budget than people scem to imagine, never decreed that wed- ding bills were paid by the father miss manners Judith Martin of the bride. Who signed the checks, whether there was a joint account, and who brought what money to the parents’ marriage were matters about which etiquette minded its own business. It merely said that the parents usually (but not always) ‘‘gave’’ the wedding. In the sweet old days that you imagine, the mother of the bride (who may have been an heiress — did you think of thet?) did most of the ‘‘giving’’ because she did the planning. The bride, by standing at her side moaning, “‘Oh, Mother,” did her best to influence decisions, but the mother was nominally in 1 ORIGINAL LASER THERAPY C) PAINLESS 0 HYGIENIC charge. Now the balance of decision- making has been allowed to shift to the bridal couple, even under the best of circumstances. When the parents are diverced, they should try as well as they can to make group decisions that will not unduly burden or displease ary- one. A family session in which you all discuss the size and style of the wedding would not be an inappro- priate place for you to announce that you would iike to help realize the plans and to ask your former wife tactfully what she would like to do. Should she not be willing to contribute, you cannot threaten to exclude her in any way, but you can — unless you magnanimously want to ignore the difference that her refusal will make to you — enlist her and your daughter's help in figuring out hew to scale down the wedding accordingly. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Our daughter was planning to visit & young man for a few days during a college vacation. My wife was encouraging, made some sugges- tions about transportation, and then said, ‘Just remind him that t am old-fashioned and I expect you to receive an invitation from his mother before you go.”’ My wife tock a similar position several years ago, when our daughter was still in high schooi. On both occasions, our daughter accepted the requirement with good humor. This is how these two express the responsibility they feel for each other and themselves. GENTLE READER — Not to mention the responsibility of guests to hosts. Miss Manners has heard of many instances in which the lady of the house did not know who the extra child was in her house, or even, at first, that there was one. Failing to feel, on such occasions, the delight and charm appropriate to a hostess, is not a reaction that can be classified as old-fashioned. Miss Manners con- gratulates your family on having the good manners to avoid such embarrassment. 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