THERE’S LOTS to laugh about in this country, but Doug Collins ® get this straight ®@ nothing is funnier than the idea of buying 12 submarines to keep the Yanks out of the north. It’s a bit like the Duchy of - Liechtenstein threatening to invade France. The subs would be purchased from the British or French and us- ed ‘‘to maintain Canadian sovereignty against U.S. claims in the Arctic’’. But according to the news reports we are ‘‘concerned about incursions by both superpowers’’. Just what the subs would do if they stumbled across an “‘incur- sion’’ is not clear. Ask the Yanks for help, probably. I can see it now. USS Nautilus is spotted in the Northwest Passage. HMCS Quebec sends a message to Ottawa. In French, of course. But in spite of all the free French lessons, Defence Minister Perrin Beatty isn’t sure what the telex means. Maybe the guys have _ forgotten how to do an omelette. Maybe the Quebec’s johns aren’t working. , : He sends the message over to Joe Clark, wo chose to learn French rather.jnan how to walk Straight. But Joe is in France, sucking up* to Francois i. Mitterrand: : ; By the time Ottawa understands what’s up, the Yanks have told us . they won’t buy any more of our fumber unless we shape up. Mean- while, ‘‘Let’s Call The Whoie Thing Off’? is being played on C-ISL, the golden-oldy radio station. , wt Don’t make me. laugh, Beatty, or I will drop the’a’ out of your. Free | | legal’ |advice | offered! name. This is the country, remember, whose MPs crawl when they let slip a critical word about Quebec. (The province, that is, not the ship.) It is also the country where Employment and Immigration Minister Benoit Bouchard says, “We don’t want to create any problems,’’ when it comes to Straightening out the unemploy- ment insurance program his own MPs have asked him to straighten out. Keep the Yanks and Russkis out of the north my eye! kok ok Being a bit of a pit bull myself, allow me to put in a word or two about pit bulls. They are being discriminated against something awful. One of our innumerable groups of busybodies has urged the enact- ment of regulations to ‘‘control ownership of the pit bull breed,’’ whatever that means, and to ban sales of same. ; In Vancouver, the politicians fall over themselves to show they are against bad dogs. It’s not the dogs that are to blame, you dummies. It’s some of the yobbo owners, who wear dark glasses and long hair, don’t wash, _,and believe that having a bad- tempered pit bull around enhances their macho image. DAN They are the ones whose breeding should be limited, not the dogs’. And you'd be bad- tempered too if you nad an owner like some of the guys we've seen on TV. If dogs were people, the cam- paign against pit bulls would be a national scandal. The human rights lot would be in action and the cry of ‘racism’? would be heard in the land. We refuse to discriminate against AIDS carriers, so why pick on the poor little old pit bulls? : xk wk & .The nation may be full of baloney, but fear not. The Roman Catholic bishops have things in hand. Yea, even unto the free trade issue. “As Christians, we cannot stand idly by, watching this major policy debate unfold. There are some basic ethical questions about the values and priorities of our | society at stake in the free trade debate.”’ _This loose pronunciamento was delivered recently by the social af- ‘fairs commission of.the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops:. What I waiit to know is: what has free trade got to do with God? xk * Hats off to old Erwin Swangard and the board of the Pacific Na- tional Exhibition, who nixed the idea of putting a plaque on the PNE grounds to signal our sorrow at the war-time internment of. the . Japanese. - nealing da ffe | | RUTLE Yl HYP:NOTHERAPIST re toul to belp individuats : e who’ on the North Shore RECENT CONVICTIONS in North Shore courts have resulted in the following fines and penalties for drinking and driving related offences. Mandatory licence suspension is published penalties. WEST VANCOUVER COURTS: Van Norman Adam, 11260 Williams Rd., Richmond, (over .08, 15 days jail); Mark William Abercrombie, 250 W. Rockland Rd., North Vancouver, (over .08, $400); Kurt Bernd Jaumann, Bur- naby, (over .08, $375); Aubrey Arne Saaftad, Edmonton Alta., refused breathalyzer, (60 days jail); BRITISH COLUMBIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY in addition to. Stephen Stanley Holmes, 3940 Bayridge Ave., West Vancouver, (over .08, $400). NORTH VANCOUVER COURTS: David John Stubinski, 309 E. Eighth St., North Vancouver, (over .08, 14 days jail); Tara Sing Rai, 8326 St. Georges, North Van- couver, (impaired, (4 days jail); Jan David Megas, 504 E, Second St., North Vancouver, (over .08, $800); Andrew Robert Guelzow, 860 E. 16th St., North Vancouver, (over .08, $600); Patrick Henry Smith, 4252 Dundas St., Burnaby, (over .08, $450). SCHOOL OF BUSINESS iF YOU CAN'T START AT THE TOP HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO START IN THE MIDDLE? BCIT’s Operations Manage- ment Program is a stimulat- ing, practical two-year diploma course that combines ‘engi- ‘neering and business. The key word is _MANAGEMENT. BCIT's Transportation and Distribution Program includes a second-year option’‘in International Trade, with special emphasis on the Pacific Rim. The key word is INTERNATIONAL. ’ Seats are still available in both programs for fall registration. ENQUIRIES: L. Leason, (604) 432-8860, BCIT, 3700 Willingdon Avenue, Burnaby, 8.C..V5G 3H2 or Student Services: 432-8433 | BE A NON-SMOKER “