INSIGHTS Friday, December 25, 1992 - North Shore News - 7 My Cell with Boughs of HUGHES’ VIEWS NOW THAT the Season of Joy has its fingers firmly wrapped around our throats, it’s time to look back with fondness to the memories of Christmas past and those quaint family traditions. By Paul Hughes Contributing Writer Remind me to do that when they let me out of the institution. Don’t get me wrong. My pres- ent condition of total gibbcring insanity has nothing 10 do with a lack of fond memories. | have plenty of those. What IJ don’t have any longer is cash. Perhaps some of you are suf- fering from the same hideous disease. One of the major symp- toms showing up here around the asylum is known as Overdraftus interruptus — a tendency to mis-hear the lyrics of Christmas carols played in malls. An example follows: Visa Bills, Visa Bills, Dashing through the mail! Oh what tun the bank will have When they throw me into jail! The odd thing is that every Christmas | find myself in the same pickle of fiscal emibarrass- ment, despite the fact that each and every year. down through the millennia, | firmly resolve to keep atid on runaway spending. “Pls vear we are only sending cards." E say to my wite in September, after she points out that there are only three months left until her favorite day of the year, “Right,** she inevitably replies, and then shoots me a look nor- mally reserved for the eccentric chap next door who saves all his navel lint in a Baggie. Somehow | remain resolute un- til about the last week of November when | grudgingly buy a gift or two, but by mid- December my perseverance totally disintegrates, and | find myself heading to the bank on an almost daily basis, withdrawing huge swadges of cash — not witha chequebook, mind you, but witha shovel and a Hefty Bag. Buying presents -- even expen- sive ones —- often has little to do with the noble spirit of giving, and everything to do with the preservation of face. Scenario: Your Great Uncle Frank, whom you haven't laid eyeballs on in years, suddenly shows up on your doorstep a week before Christmas. Carefully he casts broad hints that he, in exchange for your hospitality, will buy you the home-entertainment centre you've been salivating over, Not to be outdone, you im- mediately rush out and buy him the gold dental plate holder he's been admiring. OF course, Christmas Day ar- rives, and what you actually get from old Frank (who hasn't sur- vived all these years for nought) is a bag of popcorn, ‘to eat in front of that entertainment centre, if you ever get it.” [t's all very sad, but you end up stabbing him to death on Boxing Day with a feftover turkey bone, Strangely enough, when | look back on my own Christmases gone by, } don’t remember expensive gifts cither given or receiv What} do recallare the times et laughter. bor instanee, my father was the tree-prosvider in our tamily, be took his role seriously — no doubt due to an overactive hunt- er-gatherer complex — even though his concept of what con- stituted & zoad Cree-shape was abysmaily limited. Tree-lot owners, mind you, loved him, and each year when his old blue Rambler hove into view, they would gather into a pile all the loose branches lying around, knowing that there was an ex- cellent chance Dad would actually pay to cart them away, no ques- tions asked. Our trees never looked 145 if they were harvested, but blasted out of the ground with a Scud missile. His failures were always spec- tacular, bur the one that sticks out most in my memory is the multicultural tree. That particular year, for some reason (perhaps he was weary of the jocularity accompanying his usual purchase), my father was abnormally fussy about which tree to buy. : He set out on his task with 44 Every Christmas I find myself in the same pickle of fiscal embarrassment ...99 much the same zeal as the three wise men who once lurched towards Bethlehem. What he did eventually come up with was a Scotch pine with a great bushy top half, and a Douglas fir with a similariy desirable bottom. So he did what any not-quite- sane person would do under the circumstances, and bought both, cut them in half, and spliced them together with a piece of hollow metal tubing. {i was a combination that made about as much sense as grafting a dandelion onto a rose bush. That may not seem terribly amusing, but let me tell you, when Dad put that concoction in the tree stand, it loosed such an epidemic of hysteria that even the cardboard Jesus in the nativicy scene wet his swaddling cloth, The whole point to this tale is that good memories can’t be pur- chased. The trouble with our society is that we turn every occasion — even religious celebrations — into consumer events. We worship at the altar of things. It’s not our fault, really. We are controlled by advertising. Adver- lising fuels the economy, and a healthy economy puts bread on our tables. Praise be to the Economy, alleluia. Next year, though, it's cards for everyone, At least that’s what I'm telling the judge at the bankruptcy hear- ing. MAILBOX Young people made sense Dear Editor: According to the Dec. 13 a oe the government leaders, who make the rules, unanimously declaring headline article, “NV teens vent fears,’* the majority of young people feel that punishment should fit the crime, i.e.: “The Young Offenders Act is too le- nient’’ and “An” adult crime deserves an adult price.”’ Punishment is either a deterrent or it is not. If it is not, it has no place in our society. With this in mind | have always thought it contradictory on the one hand to have punishment on the books, while on the other have capitat punishment, for instance, a non-deterrent. After all, if punishment deters, how can the shadow of the ultimate punishment not? Judging from the evident in- crease in crime in this country, and other similarly run countries, the opinions of the young people at the Eagle Halt would seem to make a Jot of sense at ail fevels. Denis Mason West Vancouver Respect natural wildlife habitat Dear Editor: } am outraged by your arti- cle, ‘*West Vancouver cougar shot dead" (North Shore News Dec. 16). When are people going to learn that if they are going to live in areas bordering on dense wilderness then they must learn to respect and appreciate that this is also natural wildlife habitat? There is simply no excuse for pets to become victims of coyotes or cougars and | believe this clearly demon- Strates irresponsible pet owner- ship. More importantly, could vou tell ine if the resident that shot and wounded the cougar, and as such prevented it from being tranquilized and relovated, was charged with discharging a firearm within city limits? Such disrespect for and our precious should not be tok rated, safety wildlife David Bain North Vancouver Apply common sense to ‘monsters’ T aim sad because [ am fighting Dear Editor: After