Pe

A18 - Wednesday, January 30, 1985 - North Shore News

WHEN FAMILY DISAPPROVES

married three months ago to a man who

D> EAR MISS MANNERS ~— My sister was

has a history of abusing her physically.

My family did not approve
ofthe marriage, and only my
brother and his wife attended
the ceremony, which was ina
town 100 miles away. There
had been numerous occasions
when the groom and _ his
family had been insulting and
abusive to my family, and
there was no love lost bet-
ween us.

Further, the groom’s
mother made ail the ar-
rangements, and the bride’s
parents never got an
invitation.

My question is: Consider-
ing the circumstances, was it
incorrect for the bride’s fami-
ly to. be noticeably absent?
The purpose of the absence
was explained to the bride
and the groom and _ his
family.

My sister, howeve., has
found this an unforgivable
offense and has not spoken
to any of us since. Would it
be even more rude not to
send a present, or would a
present appear to be
hypocritical?

GENTLE READER — It
is possibic to miss a sister’: s

‘(or. daughter’s) wedding

because of travel difficulties,
misunderstandings about
teceiving invitations or a
variety of other pleas, and
then to argue that the bride
has no. right to be offended.

But it is not possible to
boycott the wedding of a
member of one’s immediate
family without getting her
angry. When you refuse to
go, and then explain that you
refused out of disapproval of
the bridegroom or his family
— rather than pretending you
mixed up the date — that is a

Remember family or friends
with Special Occasion or
Get Well cards,

i] HL cae
Uh wee ct

B.C. Heart
Foundation

Ra eee
miss
manners

by Judith

Martin
OREN

boycott, and you must take
the consequences.

Mind you, Miss Manners is
not disputing your right to
boycott the wedding of a
wife-beater. She is only warn-
ing you that you must expect
that the woman who decides
to marry such a person ob-
viously feels strong ties to
hith, and it is not surprising
that loyalty is among them.

Sending a present could
possibly soften your stance,
but it could also further
anger your sister. It would
not be unreasonable for her
to take the position that an
object is not a substitute for
your presence.

Your choice now is to undo
the symbolic statement of
your boycott by apologizing
and claiming to be taking an
open attitude toward your
brother-in-law, or to stand by
it but attempt to maintain as
close a relationship to your
sister as her loyalties permit
her to accept. The blanket in-
vitation, ‘‘Our house is
always open to you,** may be
ignored for now but ap-
preciated tater.

DEAR MISS MANNERS
— My.two sisters and I, each
in our 50s and unmarried,
live together. What is my
responsibility when shower
and wedding invitations re-
quiring an ‘*R.S.V.P."" and
‘number of people coming”
are addressed ‘'The
Joneses’’?

1 feel absolutely insulted
that the people sending these
invitations are too cheap to
address a separate invitation
personally to each of us when
they all expect a present from
each of us. | have 23 nieces
and nepiicws, and this is just
the beginning!

GENTLE READER —
Miss Manners hates to be in

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is boycotting a wedding appropriate?

the position of defending
people who send out cards
demanding ‘‘number of peo-
ple coming,’’ but she is afraid
that their method of address-
ing you is almost correct.

Adults sharing a household
may all be invited on one in-

itation. Married couples
always are, and stranger
combinations than that.
However, such people may,
and generally do, combine
their resources to send a
single present,

The ‘almost’? is because
the correct address for three
sisters is: Miss Jones (for the
eldest), Miss Tatiana Jones
and Miss Anastasia Jones.

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