4

a

C14-Sunday News, March 9, 1980

QUESTION: I think I am a
world champion. What I am
awfully good at is not
rocking the boat. I'm good at
keeping the peace. I'm good
at not upsetting other
people. I'm good at giving in
to others’ wishes rather than
insisting on my own way, But
I am so tired of it all that I
could scream. What's the
point in being champion of
the world in an activity that I
don't admire or feel good
about?

I guess I'm talking in
riddles. Here's the core of
the thing. I give in to my
husband about everything.
Before we were married I
had a better education than

he had and a better job. I
saw this bothered him and so
1 started down-grading
myself in order to put him on
a pedestal. It worked. he
liked it, although I'm sure he
didn’t know I was doing it.
But I got myself into the
habit. I’ve got now so I never
voice an idea or stick to my
gans if I have one that is
different than his. So what's
happening? I'll tell you. I've
gone so far that he is now
criticizing me for not having
any initiative and acting like
Fm “serving” him! (His very
words!) The other day, he
told me I should take one of
these courses on Self-
Assertiveness. How can I

-ask hayden stewart JT

but still amess

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached-at 261-6242
forappoinime nts for individual, family or group counselling. His new
office in the Internauonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the
convenience of North Shore residents.

o

Don’t rock the boat

deal with this quandry I'm
in?

STEWART: Right off the
bat thank him for being open
with you and seeing where
you're at and recommending

the course. Then tell him .

you have registred in it and
have decided to put every-
thing into it. Warn him that
you may be awkward at
becoming more assertive
after all these years and that
he will need to be co-
operative with you as you
Start practising being more
assertive. Let it be a course
that will help you to become
more and more your real
self.

Who waters the plants?

QUESTION: Women! My
wife has gone goofy over
having a bunch of plants in
the house. She says, “I just
love plants!” But she won't
took after them. She won't
even water them. I tell her, it
will only take you ten
minutes a week to water
them, so why not do it. But
not on your life, she hates
watering them apparently.
Should 1 just go on buying
plants for her? I kind of like

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them too, but what do you
think I should do about it?

STEWART: You best bet is
to water them yourself. You
say you like them, and I have
it on good authority (you!)
that it would only take you

ten minutes a week. Why
not? She likes them — you
like them — so keep them
alive and enjoy! That would
be much more fun than
making an issue out of what
she is not doing to fit into
your plans for her.

Pull the shades

QUESTION: My window
looks out on a bunch of
windows in another building
that is quite close to ours.
There's a woman over there
that never pulls down her
shade no matter how she's
dressed, or undressed and no
matter what she's doing. My
husband and I think she's a
Heele strange. Why doesn't
she puifl down her blind?

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STEWART: She’s the only
authority on that question.
Just as you two are the only
authorities on why you don’t
pull yours down. Don't you
think you reached pretty far
,ocut for a question for the
column? I have a hunch
there is something else you
really wanted to ask.* Try
again!) :

3.15 2.49
2? 65 2.10
3.19 2.55
2:10 1.69
329 2.59
198 1.59
469 3.75

69 .62
1 1y .83

QUESTION: I've been
trying awfully hard in the last
four years to improve my
self. I've joined this and that,
I've taken courses, I’ve read
books, I went pretty far in
T™M., I've started back to
church. You think of
something for me to do and
I've probably done it. But
Im still a mess. I'm full of

anxiety and fears and am ~

depressed a lot of the time.
It is the truth that I have
been trying very very hard.
What's the next step for me?
I'm stil! willing to try.

Hayden
blows
his top

QUESTION: I've often
wondered why you don't
ever blow your top and
really tear into some of the
people who write you letters.
Ive waited and waited for
you to let loose. What's the
matter? Chicken?

STEWART: I hate it when
pansies like you call me
chicken! You mind your own
business. Who's writing this
column? Never write to this

column again. You = are
ttupid ...... There — is that
better? Thanks for the

opportunity. I don’t think I

feel much better though. Try:

again!

focus on

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STEWART: Your letter is
very much like one we
printed two or three months
ago. Quit trying for a while.
You are so attached to your
conviction that you are a
mess, that it is hard for you

to see your turstworthy
resources. You are not a
mess — you are YOU!

Accept yourself AS YOU
ARE and you will then see
more clearly many of your
unused resources. End any
effort you are making to be
someone other than YOU.
You may be trying to be
like someone else, or you

may be trying to “fit in” to
what someone else thinks
you SHOULD be, or to what
you think you should be.
Never mind the “shoulds” for
a while and give yourself the
joy of recognizing your here
and now reality.

As you accept your here
and now reality, you ‘are
then freed to recognize
clearly what you WANT for
yourself with all your heart
and soul. Give yourself a
break from fiddling around
with stolid effort, and, in-
stead, allow yourself to BE
your own reality .

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